Quote:
Originally Posted by ngancon
People begin their life in the same way: cry, open their eyes, be fed by their mothers, but grow up in different ways: some become actors, some become writers, some are general and some are heroes. But what makes this difference? It is the way they live, the way they react with their environment. It is not only when they are forced into action. It is themselves.
Still confused? Let's begin.
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I had to read the part in red three or four times to figure out what you meant; this is bad for the SAT. In fact, the SAT scorers are told to read the essay quickly, without re-reading, and score it holistically.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ngancon
A definition of "hero" has its scale: international, national or familial. Let begin with international. A good example of internaltional hero is Gagarin. Gagarin, the first person who came to the Moon, marked the new period of man: the period of universe. Did anyone force him to fly to the Moon? No one could if he didn't want. He fly to the Moon only because he wanted to do and he had tried hard to do.
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Again, hard to follow. Be sure to give background information on this person. For example, use his full name, his nationality, a date, or at least give correct information--he was the first person in space, not the first person on the Moon. The sentence is very confusing also because you use
came, which makes me think you're writing from the Moon. All in all, this paragraph makes me think you're talking about a mythological character.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ngancon
Heroes come from work everyday and everywhere. They do not need to be forced into action. They always try their best to live, to devote their lives for themselves, and for others. They know the worth of life, so they catch it. Want to mark yourself to life? Forcus into your work!
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I'm a bit pressed for time, so I'll wrap up by saying that the writing is fairly good, and your details are pretty good, but the awkward use of language and grammar errors make your ideas hard to follow. Also, you do a good job of describing things and giving information, but you need to 'develop' your ideas more.
I hope this helps get you started.
