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Old 2009 July 5th, 08:52 AM   #2 (permalink)
Luma
that I would be Good ??
 
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Middle East
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This essay is better than the previous one.

Here are my comments:

First paragraph:
It is good that you reinstated the argument, however, you need to write one or two statements describing in what sense the arguement is not cognitive.
Again, don't use phrases like "stated below, mentioned above". I feel that you can't help not writing them

Second paragraph:
"No evidence or statistics are provided as to how much the energy consumption decreased"- this part is unclear, maybe you meant "The argument does not provide evidence or statistics that accurately speciy the amount by which the energy consumption was decreased."
"Also to prove ..."- you can't start a new statement like this, you need subject and verb or you can combine this statement with previous by using an appropriate linking word.

Third paragraph:
"another flaw evident" omit evident

Paragraphs four and five:
Don't provide examples or conclusions of your own. In this task, you are only required to analyze the argument, refute the conclusion and explains why the assumptions are invalid.

Last paragraph:
I slightly modified the following sentece: " ...the conclusion the author is trying to make that by reducing consumption and increasing reimbursement amount to residents is not correct where it stands"
I removed the phrase "above stated"

Good Luck!

Last edited by Luma : 2009 July 5th at 03:13 PM.
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