Please evaluate my essay

[sreekanth81]

Issue: In response to what they view as the inordinate attention and funding given to university athletics and the detrimental effect this has on learning, some people suggest that universities should drop their intercollegiate sports programs altogether. They reject claims that participation in sports builds character and discipline, as well as the idea that sports helps develop the “whole person” in ways that academics or other extracurricular activities cannot.

Q. Do you think that intercollegiate university sports programs should be abolished? Explain your position using relevant reasons or examples drawn from your own experience, observations or reading.

A. Education is a well phrased word which involves development of once body and mind. In other words, it’s a way to make one physically fit and mentally strong. Sports help students to keep themselves physically fit. I feel that just like how we celebrate Sports Day in school, Intercollegiate Sports Programs should be carried out in Universities.

Games improve concentration or focus and create a sense of pride to achieve goal. Games that involve a team facilitates to increase co-operation, respect and understand fellow players, play as and for the team, appreciate others and most important of all it teaches to handle success and failure as equal. As far as classes are considered, all universities offer special classes and separate coaching is given to the students who skip their classes because of sports.

When any event is organised it involves money and a small amount of publicity but that does not detriment a student’s regular activity. Infact it creates a much friendly atmosphere in college as each student feels even they are a part of the grand gala. All students unite as one and try to support their institution in whatever way they can. In a way sports acts as a factor to bring all the students together and overcome any differences that may exist.

For instance, there was a Law college near by my locality and there used to lot of misunderstandings and fighting among students. To overcome this, the administration organised and intercollegiate Cricket tournament and things just turned around. The students forgot their differences started practising as a team and every other student of the college were providing moral support in whatever way they could.

For all the aforesaid reasons I feel that Universities should continue to conduct Intercollegiate Sports programs.

[sreekanth81]

Waiting for your valuable suggestions my exam date is nearing please help me out guys.

[Infinite7]

I think that you put down valuable points . But organization wise I think it would be good if you introduced your paragraphs with First, etc.... Second, etc...
One other thing is, IMO the example you gave shouldn't be on another paragraph so that your essay can flow well.

HTH...

[sabinabowler]

You have the right idea, but you need to be more straightforward in your writing. Take a few moments before starting to figure out how you want to structure your essay. Figure out a few examples and how they are going to figure in. Your opening paragraph should have three elements; an opening statement (which basically repeats back the argument in different words), a thesis (this is the core of your essay), and a map statement (a sentence telling them exactly what you're going to explain in your essay). Make these simple and straightforward.

For example, in your opening statement, make sure to connect the relationship between sports and education. For your thesis, since you are arguing against what "some people" believe, tell the reader exactly what it is that you are arguing for (of course using the 3rd person). With your map statement, tell the reader how you are going to argue out your thesis giving general examples of your points you are going to make in the body. Come up with 2 or 3 precise points that you want to make. For example, sports increases a persons ability to multitask (studies show, of course), a healthy body increases brain function, basically whatever you can come up with quickly.

In the body, use more precise examples. Saying that almost all universities offer special classes is a huge assumption. Try to narrow that down a bit. Name a university that you know offers special classes (or at least you suspect does). Then try to expound a bit on that.

Make sure that you have at least as many paragraphs as was stated in your map statement. For each different idea, there should be a different paragraph.

For your conclusion, just wrap it up by summarizing the most important points of what you just said.