Can someone evaluate this.....

[thoughtcurry]

Hi,
This is my first GMAT essay. It took me 32 minutes to write and I had no time left for proofreading. Can someone evaluate this and tell me areas where improvements are needed. I have provided the stem and also some notes I made before drafting the essay. Erin please give me your feedback.

Stem
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In some countries, television and radio programs are carefully censored for offensive language and behaviour. In other countries, there is little or no censorship.
In your view, to what extent should government or any other group be able to censor television or radio programs?

Notes
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1)Censorship is a delicate issue and needs to be treated with caution.
2)Profusion of satellite TV has resulted in a tirade of channels that are not tailored to the sensitivities of the local populace.
3)Uncensored content also a threat to national security and stability.
4)Censorship should not be used by the state machinery for political control and repression.
5)Should form an independent censor board that is free from political control.

Essay
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Censorship of media is a delicate issue and should therefore be handled responsibly. Although censorship has been equated with evil and has been regarded as repression of free speech, it is my firm opinion that some amount of censorship is necessary for ensuring the stability of society and the security of nations.But the amount of censorship, needs to be clearly defined.
A major threat to contemporary society is the unchecked influx of foreign cultures and ideas being delivered to peoples homes through a large number of satellite channels. These channels often broadcast/telecast content that is contrary to the sensibilities of the indeginous cultures. Glaring examples are channels that broadcast nudity and violence.Also some channels make a parody of serious issues like news and current affairs by telecasting versions where the actions of the newscaster are equivalent to a striptease on live TV. Such programs mislead the younger generations and instill in them a tendency to experiment with such ideas, even though these ideas are untenable in their native cultures.
Uncensored media can also be a threat to national security and the stability of nation states. A very good example in this regard is the programming content of PTV, Pakistan's national television and DD, India's national television. In both these channels distorted versions of events are reported, that toe the official lines of the respective Governments. PTV reports that thousands of innocent Muslims in Kashmir are being repressed by the Indian Army. Conversely DD reports that Pakistan is sponsoring militancy in the Indian state of Kashmir, and that is resulting in deaths of thousands of innocent Kashmiris.Such conflicting content if not censored, would lead to social unrest.
I strongly support the idea of censorship of media. But such censorship should be independent and unbiased, with only the welfare of the culture and nation in mind.Hijacking censorship to serve the narrow interests of some political party or individual can result in oppression of a form that existed in the erstwhile Soviet Union.

Thanx in advance
Thought!

[thoughtcurry]

Hey guys!,
Im waiting :-)

[RASIKA]

Well i must say all n all a good approach!!! However i feel that the first statement should not be a total final opinion. The examples provided were good and to the point.

Still from my point of view i would have drafted it in a way so as to make a different point ie more in against of censorship coz i feel its ultimately the individual's responsibility to view quality things and discard the stuff that is biased/ promotes something that is not in the common purview of society. Otherwise i don't see any reason of any sort of ban on any type of media.

[thoughtcurry]

Well i must say all n all a good approach!!! However i feel that the first statement should not be a total final opinion. The examples provided were good and to the point.

Still from my point of view i would have drafted it in a way so as to make a different point ie more in against of censorship coz i feel its ultimately the individual's responsibility to view quality things and discard the stuff that is biased/ promotes something that is not in the common purview of society. Otherwise i don't see any reason of any sort of ban on any type of media.

Point taken Rasika. When do you suggest, one should take a stand. Should one slowly build upon the stand or should one take a stand in the first para itself?
Thought
( Pepal please give me some MORE feedback.)

[RASIKA]

buddy u r correct
one should build the stand gradually
that makes the argument stronger!!!

[GmatGnat]

Sorry rasika, I disagree. The first paragraph should state the issue, and what the author believes. You should take a strong stand and make sure the reader knows how you feel. Subsequent paragraphs should be used to support your position and strengthen your argument.

The GMAT readers will be reading hundreds, if not thousands, of essays responding to the same question. You have to come out of the gate like gangbusters, make your position known, and draw the reader's attention.

[RASIKA]

I got the point u wanna make but somehow i feel that taking a very strong stance in the first line itself givesw a feeling that u have impulsively made a decision and then writing on it. Like someone is asking u a firm yes or no and nothing in between.

Slowly structured arguments gives enough room for the reader to form his own ideas.

Can someone else suggest???

[GmatGnat]

You're right in that one should not take a stand in the first line. thoughtcurry's question had to do with taking a stand in the first paragraph.

[gagan_ait]

Hi thoughtcurry,

Some comments from my end:-
1) I feel that you essay is resolving mostly on the politics rather than the censorship of media (which should be the major message)

2) Also, if you look closely at the second example on Pakistan TV and DD, it does not really strongly project the harm caused by media or the benefit of censoring that. I mean some people can debate that.

3) Also, try to write more sentences and atleast one more paragraph. Total 5 paragraph is a good number. (completely my thought).

I might be getting a bit picky here, but thought I should let you know my thoughts.
Please let me know your opinion.

[thoughtcurry]

Thanx a ton for the feedback Gagan.
1)"what extent should government or any other group"
When the issue involves the government or a group, I thought it assumes a political nature.
2)About the Pak thing, I think you are right. The argument seems vague at first glance and needs to be substantiated further.
3)Well the concept of paras doesnt exist in GMAT. The E-rater just reads the essay as a continuous block of text.There are no points given for paragraph organisation and punctuation.But definitely adding a few more lines could have added brownie points.
Cheers!
( I will post another essay today.Can you go through it. Also, you can send me essays of yours to review)