please give me a rating and comment , any comment think you very much

[oposledr]

For hundreds of years, the monetary system of most countries has been based on the exchange of metal coins and printed pieces of paper. However, because of recent developments in technology, the international community should consider replacing the entire system of coins and paper with a system of electronic accounts of credits and debits.”


Recently, because of recent developments in technology, there is a debate over whether we should replace the monetary system of coins and paper with a system of electronic accounts of credits and debits. Some people think we should, as the speaker does in the statement, while others oppose the adoption of the system of electronic accounts of credits and debits. As a matter of fact, this is a very controversial issue. When discussing such controversial issue, we need to think it over from different perspectives so as to develop a thorough argument. Without taking into account the opinion of both sides, our argument will be biased and one-sided. Therefore, on the following argument, i will not only illustrate why i support the adoption of the system of electronic accounts of credits and debits but also scrutinize the opposite opinion.
The first reason that can be used to develop my position is that it is much more convenient to use the system of electronic accounts and debits. A good example can be found in our daily life. For example, by using system of electronic accounts and debits, we would not need to bring case with us when we go to travel or go shopping. Further, using system of electronic accounts and debits will record our spending, and thus we can easily know how much we spend. These examples show how convenient the system of electronic of accounts or debits is for us.
In addition, there is another reason for me to support the adoption of the system of electronic accounts of credits and debits. Replacing the system of coins and paper with a system of electronic accounts of credits and debits can reduce the depletion of the resource of earth. for instance, paper is made from trees and we all know that trees is very important for our life and that the woods on earth is reducing. Therefore, stop using paper money can save numerous acres of woods. These cases show once again why we should adopt the system of electronic accounts of credits and debits.
Admittedly, some people's concern that people can steal your money from the electronic accounts thorough the internet might be true. However, this alone does not constitute the sufficient support to claim that the system of coins and paper is better than a system of electronic accounts of credits and debits. The thief can steal from your pocket too. There is not necessary that money in the electronic account is more easily to be steal than the coins and paper money.
To sum up, after the aforementioned reasons, which correlate with each other to form an in-depth argument, and after examining the advantage and disadvantages of these systems are carefully examined, the conclusion is obvious that we should adopt the system of electronic of accounts and debits.
Can any give me any advice, please , thank you very much

[jmbamba]

Here are my comments:
- formatting: try to read this thread on formatting: http://www.urch.com/forums/gmat-awa/...our-essay.html (How to format your essay). It's really important to submit a readable essay.

- avoid tautology like in your intro, you start with with "Recently, because of recent...". You did the same thing in your second paragraph: In addition, there is another reason ...". Avoid repeating concepts.

-Introduction: You are not discussing about the issue itself, but on how the issue should be tackled, mainly recalling strategies we can see on prep materials. I think it's useless to discuss it in your introduction. If you don't want to be stuck with the introduction, you can use template like this one http://www.urch.com/forums/gmat-awa-...ue-essays.html (All sample issue essays) or also to this one: http://www.urch.com/forums/gmat-awa/...-template.html (Magic Template)

- Conclusion: I think you conclusion is too bold. You can think of tampering your language a bit.

I think you have a very good structure of 5 paragraphs. Jus keep it. Your argument is presented coherently. But you style is not very good, especially in the introduction.

Just try with the template and respect formatting, and you will be ok.