Writing gmat in two weeks pleace critique my issue analysis this the first one

[digvijayrajan]

Technology ultimately separates and alienates people more than it serves to bring them together." Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your position with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading

The aforementioned issue of technology ultimately separates and alienates people is contentious yet interesting and enticing. Many people believe that due to modern technology everyone is busy and rarely communicate among their dear ones, the perspective initially seems logical. Nevertheless when this argument is weighed against alternative argument, technology has revolutionized the lives of people providing cheaper, faster and widely available means of communication thus bringing people together, the second argument outweighs the first one. Keeping ground realities in mind i believe that technology has brought people together

firstly, technology has provided faster means of communication. In early times, people used to write letters which took days to reach their destinations. Now day’s mobile phones and internet have provided an online platform for people to communicate with each other. For example a person studying in business school can easily communicate with his family using video and voice chat .The modes of communication helps in bringing people together

Secondly, technology has provided means of communication which are cheap, easily available and universally present. Most of the email services are free of cost and internet is also virtually free. Besides, they are easily available irrespective of boundaries of nations. For example people working on rigs, hills and other difficult jobs can easily communicate with their families using these means of communication. Technology has made these modes not only easily available but also cheap so that everyone can afford these means of communication. Technology has also provided us modes to easily express ourselves. For example an e-card can be send through internet at anytime and it reaches its destination immediately unlike paper cards when you have to got market and search for the card of your choice and it will still take weeks to reach its destination.

There are many good reasons to argue that technology has driven people apart by making lives faster and keeping people busy. However the argument fails to understand that it is the attitude of the people that have kept them busier and separated from each other. Consequently, it is much better to say that technology only helps in making lives better and if technological sources used properly it can bring people nearer to each other.






Please mention what points i am missing

Thanks

[cooldude929]

Vijay..

[First time evaluating someone's essay]. I have the following views after reading your essay:

1. Structure is good.. I know where it came from

2. Essay seems to be more on one side .. I suppose 60% on oneside and 70% on ther side is better.. Finally sticking up with 70% approach.

3. Topic is very broader and it has got lot many angels to cover. But anyways, thats not really measured here.

4. Some words are most repetitive, such as technology, For example.

For example an e-card can be send through internet at anytime and it reaches its destination immediately unlike paper cards when you have to got market and search for the card of your choice and it will still take weeks to reach its destination.

=>
For instance, Unlike conventional greeting card, An E-card on internet just takes few fractions of seconds to reach recipient's mailbox.

What has this achived?.. 1. Combining sentences is improved. 2. clear ,concise and sweet 3. I have used for instance, in place of for example just for difference. What do you think ?

[digvijayrajan]

thanks for your tips the last one is really important, i will definitely try to improve in next issues
thanks for the help