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sahilshah1987 · 03-07-2008, 09:37 AM

The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

The writer claims that by introducing several games relating to life like graphics the decling trend of the sales of whirwind games will be reversed. To support the argument , the author mentions that the players prefer lifelike graphics games as indicated by the survey.Also the ad campaign introduced towards a specific age group might give an impetus towards its sales. The argument though plausible at first suffers from major inconsistencies.

The author asserts that the recent survey conducted on the players indicated they were more inclined towards life-like graphics. However the reliability of the survey undermines the authenticity of this assumption/.May be the players who participated in the survey were fanatics of life-like graphics concerned games.However the survey nowhere indicates that it included the players related to all fields of video games.Unless the author gives more information about the survey this assumption cannot be substantiated.

Even if we assume that the survey is indeed reliable, the extensive ad campaign introduced by whirlwind will positively increase their sales is not convincing. It is possible that the players who had preferred life like graphics games were not 10-25 years old people.The survey does not show any evidence to prove this .If the people 10 to 25 years old are not fascinated by these games then this ad campaign might itself backfire.
Thus the sales trend might fall even further than anticipated.

The author assumes unconvincingly that the players 10 to 25 years old will be possessing upto date computers. If hardly few players have the latest computers the introduction of such games would be infeasible The survey must provide more information whether majority of the population possess up to date computers. f they do not,then are they willing to spent money on updating to latest ones to play the games they are planning to introduce.

To sum up,the argument mentioned suffers from many inconsistencies. To bolster the argument , the author must confirm whether the survey conducted was reliable one and whether it included players from all fields and age groups.The survey must also mention whether the ad campaign will indeed be fruitful and the 10 to 25 year old people are really looking forward towards their newly introduced games.

mickgreen58 · 03-07-2008, 11:44 AM

sahilshah1987, that was an extremely good article.

However, I think one of your supporting paragraphs should have argued that "Sales could be down because because kids in the 10-25 Age group could have other activities to do, such as the Internet, sports, etc etc".

Overall, I think it is fine. I think the graders are looking at how cogent your argument is but I think they will sympathize with the test taker as we will only have 30 minutes.

sahilshah1987 · 03-07-2008, 02:52 PM

Thanks for your critiques micky..

Oldman · 03-09-2008, 03:41 AM

Nice analysis Sah,

A few points that can help make your analysis sound more scholarly:

1. May be the players who participated in the survey were fanatics of life-like graphics concerned games.However the survey nowhere indicates that it included the players related to all fields of video games.Unless the author gives more information about the survey this assumption cannot be substantiated.

Instead of maybe, use the word perhaps. Since this is a dependent clause, you would place a comma after "games" and continue the sentence.

2. "It could be asserted that the players who participated in the survey were fanatics of life-like graphics, however the survey does not indicates that it included the players related to all types of video games. Unless the author provides more information about the survey this assumption cannot be substantiated."

In this clause:

"Even if we assume that the survey is indeed reliable, the extensive ad campaign introduced by whirlwind will positively increase their sales is not convincing."

You need a few more words to complete the sentence:

Even if we assume that the survey is reliable, the assumption that an extensive ad campaign introduced by whirlwind will positively increase their sales is not convincing."

Same here:

The author assumes unconvincingly that the players 10 to 25 years old will be possessing upto date computers. If hardly few players have the latest computers the introduction of such games would be infeasible The survey must provide more information whether majority of the population possess up to date computers. f they do not,then are they willing to spent money on updating to latest ones to play the games they are planning to introduce.

"The author incorrectly assumes that the 10 to 25 year old demographic will possess up-to-date computers. If only a few players have the latest computers the introduction of such games would not be feasible. The survey must attempt to collect more information about whether the majority of the population possess up to date computers."

Try starting you summary paragraph with "In conclusion":

"To sum up,the argument mentioned suffers from many inconsistencies. To bolster the argument , the author must confirm whether the survey conducted was reliable one and whether it included players from all fields and age groups.The survey must also mention whether the ad campaign will indeed be fruitful and the 10 to 25 year old people are really looking forward towards their newly introduced games."

In conclusion, the author's argument suffers from numerous inconsistencies. To support the argument, the author must confirm whether the survey conducted is reliable and whether it included players from all fields and age groups.

Overall, good argument.

Here are my suggestions:

1) ETS provides the pool of actual AWA essays. I recommend practicing from those.

2) Here are some scholarly words that can help make your paper sound more professional:

demographic - A description of a group of people.

In conclusion, - this is a good opening phrase to put at the beginning of your summary paragraph.

Numerous (instead of many)

Instead of saying "also" say "in addition"

Instead of "up-to-date" maybe use "current technology"

sahilshah1987 · 03-09-2008, 05:08 AM

Thanks Oldman.I will try to follow your advice and definitely attempt to writ better argument next time.
The minor points you mentioned were indeed really helpful.

Gabe_logan · 03-09-2008, 11:02 AM

Great critique Oldman!

gamarouge · 06-02-2008, 04:25 PM

you have written a very good essay...perhaps more focused and covered more points than mine....I have written essay to the same question before reading yours...here it goes..

The sales of the video games might increase in the next few months, but the argument provided is insufficient in various fronts to make such a prediction. A thorough analysis of reasons for decrease in sales is essential to understand what improvements need to be made to increase the sales. The author says that the company has conducted surveys to gain customer feedback which I think is a step in the right direction, but only a specific out come of the survey is presented (video games player prefer games that provide life like graphics etc). I think this information in itself is not sufficient to claim that the sales are bound to increase.

The business of video games is tricky one, one needs to understand that there are two major components to this. One is the customer who plays the game and the other is the payer who more often than not just pays for it. In most cases (age group 10 to 18) customer is the person who plays the video game the payer is the parent who might not necessarily play the game. I think survey of the parents is essential before we can make such claims. Whirlwind is ought to take into account the preference of parents and children to make better and affordable products. This information is not provided.

The author claims that the new products will meet one particular customer preference but he does not perform any analysis of the competition, affordability, ease of use, availability, scalability and other essential factors to draw his conclusions. In fact from the argument one might infer that this new product will require latest technology, which might have an adverse affect on the sales. There are various factors which should be taken into consideration while designing a product. The author does a poor job in explaining what the various factors are that have gone into designing the new products of Whirlwind. The author’s claims are weakened due to lack of this information.

End of the day, the sales of Whirlwind might actually go up, but the argument put forth by the author has left out lot of pivotal information to make this claim. Due to this, the proposed argument is weak in various fronts and fails to convince me that the sales of Whirlwind company is going to increase in the next couple of months.

03-07-2008, 09:37 AM	#1 (permalink)
sahilshah1987 Eager! Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Pune(Maharashtra,India) Posts: 92	Please rate my first argument essay(micky,wasleys,oldman..) The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine. "Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months." The writer claims that by introducing several games relating to life like graphics the decling trend of the sales of whirwind games will be reversed. To support the argument , the author mentions that the players prefer lifelike graphics games as indicated by the survey.Also the ad campaign introduced towards a specific age group might give an impetus towards its sales. The argument though plausible at first suffers from major inconsistencies. The author asserts that the recent survey conducted on the players indicated they were more inclined towards life-like graphics. However the reliability of the survey undermines the authenticity of this assumption/.May be the players who participated in the survey were fanatics of life-like graphics concerned games.However the survey nowhere indicates that it included the players related to all fields of video games.Unless the author gives more information about the survey this assumption cannot be substantiated. Even if we assume that the survey is indeed reliable, the extensive ad campaign introduced by whirlwind will positively increase their sales is not convincing. It is possible that the players who had preferred life like graphics games were not 10-25 years old people.The survey does not show any evidence to prove this .If the people 10 to 25 years old are not fascinated by these games then this ad campaign might itself backfire. Thus the sales trend might fall even further than anticipated. The author assumes unconvincingly that the players 10 to 25 years old will be possessing upto date computers. If hardly few players have the latest computers the introduction of such games would be infeasible The survey must provide more information whether majority of the population possess up to date computers. f they do not,then are they willing to spent money on updating to latest ones to play the games they are planning to introduce. To sum up,the argument mentioned suffers from many inconsistencies. To bolster the argument , the author must confirm whether the survey conducted was reliable one and whether it included players from all fields and age groups.The survey must also mention whether the ad campaign will indeed be fruitful and the 10 to 25 year old people are really looking forward towards their newly introduced games.

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03-07-2008, 11:44 AM	#2 (permalink)
mickgreen58 TestMagic Guru-in-Training Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 550	sahilshah1987, that was an extremely good article. However, I think one of your supporting paragraphs should have argued that "Sales could be down because because kids in the 10-25 Age group could have other activities to do, such as the Internet, sports, etc etc". Overall, I think it is fine. I think the graders are looking at how cogent your argument is but I think they will sympathize with the test taker as we will only have 30 minutes.

03-07-2008, 02:52 PM	#3 (permalink)
sahilshah1987 Eager! Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Pune(Maharashtra,India) Posts: 92	Thanks for your critiques micky..

03-09-2008, 03:41 AM	#4 (permalink)
Oldman Within my grasp! Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 241	Nice analysis Sah, A few points that can help make your analysis sound more scholarly: 1. May be the players who participated in the survey were fanatics of life-like graphics concerned games.However the survey nowhere indicates that it included the players related to all fields of video games.Unless the author gives more information about the survey this assumption cannot be substantiated. Instead of maybe, use the word perhaps. Since this is a dependent clause, you would place a comma after "games" and continue the sentence. 2. "It could be asserted that the players who participated in the survey were fanatics of life-like graphics, however the survey does not indicates that it included the players related to all types of video games. Unless the author provides more information about the survey this assumption cannot be substantiated." In this clause: "Even if we assume that the survey is indeed reliable, the extensive ad campaign introduced by whirlwind will positively increase their sales is not convincing." You need a few more words to complete the sentence: Even if we assume that the survey is reliable, the assumption that an extensive ad campaign introduced by whirlwind will positively increase their sales is not convincing." Same here: The author assumes unconvincingly that the players 10 to 25 years old will be possessing upto date computers. If hardly few players have the latest computers the introduction of such games would be infeasible The survey must provide more information whether majority of the population possess up to date computers. f they do not,then are they willing to spent money on updating to latest ones to play the games they are planning to introduce. "The author incorrectly assumes that the 10 to 25 year old demographic will possess up-to-date computers. If only a few players have the latest computers the introduction of such games would not be feasible. The survey must attempt to collect more information about whether the majority of the population possess up to date computers." Try starting you summary paragraph with "In conclusion": "To sum up,the argument mentioned suffers from many inconsistencies. To bolster the argument , the author must confirm whether the survey conducted was reliable one and whether it included players from all fields and age groups.The survey must also mention whether the ad campaign will indeed be fruitful and the 10 to 25 year old people are really looking forward towards their newly introduced games." In conclusion, the author's argument suffers from numerous inconsistencies. To support the argument, the author must confirm whether the survey conducted is reliable and whether it included players from all fields and age groups. Overall, good argument. Here are my suggestions: 1) ETS provides the pool of actual AWA essays. I recommend practicing from those. 2) Here are some scholarly words that can help make your paper sound more professional: demographic - A description of a group of people. In conclusion, - this is a good opening phrase to put at the beginning of your summary paragraph. Numerous (instead of many) Instead of saying "also" say "in addition" Instead of "up-to-date" maybe use "current technology"

03-09-2008, 05:08 AM	#5 (permalink)
sahilshah1987 Eager! Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Pune(Maharashtra,India) Posts: 92	Thanks Oldman.I will try to follow your advice and definitely attempt to writ better argument next time. The minor points you mentioned were indeed really helpful.

03-09-2008, 11:02 AM	#6 (permalink)
Gabe_logan CAREFREE! Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Abuja, Nigeria Posts: 22	Great critique Oldman!

06-02-2008, 04:25 PM	#7 (permalink)
gamarouge Trying to make mom and pop proud Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 6	you have written a very good essay...perhaps more focused and covered more points than mine....I have written essay to the same question before reading yours...here it goes.. The sales of the video games might increase in the next few months, but the argument provided is insufficient in various fronts to make such a prediction. A thorough analysis of reasons for decrease in sales is essential to understand what improvements need to be made to increase the sales. The author says that the company has conducted surveys to gain customer feedback which I think is a step in the right direction, but only a specific out come of the survey is presented (video games player prefer games that provide life like graphics etc). I think this information in itself is not sufficient to claim that the sales are bound to increase. The business of video games is tricky one, one needs to understand that there are two major components to this. One is the customer who plays the game and the other is the payer who more often than not just pays for it. In most cases (age group 10 to 18) customer is the person who plays the video game the payer is the parent who might not necessarily play the game. I think survey of the parents is essential before we can make such claims. Whirlwind is ought to take into account the preference of parents and children to make better and affordable products. This information is not provided. The author claims that the new products will meet one particular customer preference but he does not perform any analysis of the competition, affordability, ease of use, availability, scalability and other essential factors to draw his conclusions. In fact from the argument one might infer that this new product will require latest technology, which might have an adverse affect on the sales. There are various factors which should be taken into consideration while designing a product. The author does a poor job in explaining what the various factors are that have gone into designing the new products of Whirlwind. The author’s claims are weakened due to lack of this information. End of the day, the sales of Whirlwind might actually go up, but the argument put forth by the author has left out lot of pivotal information to make this claim. Due to this, the proposed argument is weak in various fronts and fails to convince me that the sales of Whirlwind company is going to increase in the next couple of months.

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