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[Issue Essay]"Reform is seldom brought about by people who are concerned with their


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“Reform is seldom brought about by people who are concerned with their own reputation and social standing. Those who are really in earnest about reforming a government, an educational system, or any other institution must be willing to be viewed with disdain by the rest of the world.”

 

The statement supports that reform is usually brought about by people who are not concerned with their status. It has to be pointed out that the success of a reform depends on the solidarity of people who are willing to reform a government, an educational system or any other institution. When the solidarity is needed, people have to be unconcerned about their individual benefit but the whole interest in order to keep in a same pace. The statement mingles different attitudes in different situations, which I can’t agree with.

 

First of all, the reason why a reform is needed should be clear. The lack of equity or efficiency always leads to a reform, and that’s the main reason of all reforms. Personally I consider the unequity as the most important catalyst in the reform. A gulf of social status usually reveals the lack of equity and justice, disaffecting people and finally evoking the desire of reforming. Thus, reform is exactly brought by people who are really concerned with their own reputation and social standing. For example, reforms of governments in China are always started by farmers, who were regarded as the lowest ones in a social hierarchy and often treated unequally. The black slaves who finally broke into a war in US also didn’t get the enough reputation and status as they deserved.

 

As it is clear now that reform can’t be started without people who really care about the inequity, we shall not mess it with the process of reform and the new institution established. Success of reform not only means the establishment of a new government or a new institution, but also means the elimination of inequity in the new one. Inequity always is related to greed for wealth, reputation, and authority. As the desire for changes in these three, it’s not hard to imagine that some ones can’t get rid of their greedy mind, resulting in another establishment lack of inequity. As long as the inequity exists, people keep on reforming utopia with absolute or relative equity, however, never realize it because of their unwillingness to be viewed as disdain by the world. If it is true that they are willing to be viewed in this way, then their goals of changes in status are not achieved.

 

A successful reform is so hard even impossible to be bought in that the contradiction between the situation before reform and after reform. Regardless of a successful reform, reforms are impossible to be brought about by the people who cares nothing about their status. Once people care nothing, they lose the desire for changes and are willing to live in their current circumstance. As people concerned with their reputation and social standings, they get motivations to bring about reforms.

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Your essay does not adequately respond to the topic. According to the speaker, MUST people who want reform have to be viewed with disdain? You point out in your introduction that these people wanting reformation must be united in their belief for change, but that does not answer whether they must give up their own reputation and social standing. Saying that the statement "mingles different attitudes in different situations" is unclear in meaning because we do not use the word "mingle" the way you do here, and your previous sentences do not show what kind of situations you might be referring to. Moreover, you then state that you can't agree with this "mingling," but your body paragraphs do not really explain this.

 

In paragraph 2, you discuss how due to inequality (not equity/inequity - wrong word), people want reform. (Don't use "a" before the word reform. Just "reform" is correct. Don't use "the" before the word reform either unless you are referring to a specific reform that the reader knows what you are referring to, such as financial reform.) You also say that it is due to inequality that leads to ALL reform. That's a very strong statement that you don't provide enough examples to support. (Was the Protestant Reformation due to inequality? No, Martin Luther wanted reformation because the Catholic Church strayed from Jesus' teachings.) Be careful when using words like "all," "never," or "none" because supporting statements with those words is very difficult.

 

What you should do is begin paragraph 2 with the sentence that begins with "thus." It will help your reader quickly know the point you are trying to make. From that point, showing the examples about Chinese peasants and black slaves wanting to improve their social standing is good in refuting the speaker's position. Then showing why they want reform (inequality) would make more sense.

 

I do not understand what you are trying to say in paragraph 3. You talk about inequality, to new government, to greed, back to inequality, to reforming utopia (what is this?), then "goals of changes in status are not achieved" (again, I do not understand what this means). Basically, you don't have a main point here in body 2, so all you have are just a bunch of ideas together.

 

After reading your last paragraph, that is when I figured out that you were trying to qualify the topic, but it was too little, too late.

 

Make sure you clearly tell your reading what you are trying to prove, and then use better reasons and examples. The ideas about Chinese peasants and black slaves is good, but everything else is just irrelevant.

 

I would say this essay would get at most a score of a 3. Think of better ideas, make sure you have a strong thesis statement, and you should be able to write a much higher scoring essay.

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