Please Rate my AWA Issue Essay

[PhDProspect]

Prompt

College students should base their choice of a field of study on the availability of jobs in that field.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position

Response

Although basing the choice of one’s field of study on the availability of jobs in that field may bolster the prospect of future employment, such a myopic decision may limit future prospects in other ways. In particular, focusing on the availability of jobs in a particular field may undermine future quality of life because such a focus may direct a student into a field which does not interest that student and therefore not only impair that student’s quality of life but also undercut the student’s upward economic mobility by leaving the student unmotivated. Moreover, as the employment picture may shift, a specific focus on the availability of jobs in any particular field may not even initially improve future employment prospects.

 

Some people seek more than monetary gain. For those people, having a lucrative job may nonetheless provide a suboptimal quality of life if that job requires them to engage in daily activities which they do not enjoy. For example, although business positions may be quite available to graduating doctoral students, an individual with ample competency may nonetheless find business particularly insipid. For that individual, pursuing a business post may significantly impair quality of life and therefore such an individual should probably not pursue such a position simply because that position has an ample availability of positions.

 

Moreover, even taking a purely financial view, pursuing a particular field of study may ultimately undermine an individual’s ability to succeed by virtue of injecting that individual in a profession which leaves the individual despondent. If an individual finds his work dull, that individual may not exert his or her best efforts. That person may instead operate in a perfunctory manner thus limiting the prospects of that person being promoted into a more lucrative position. Hence, even setting aside quality of life issues, students may have a financial incentive to consider more than simply the availability of jobs when selecting a field of study.

 

Nonetheless, detractors may argue that securing employment is paramount. Although basing a choice of a field of study upon the availability of jobs in that field may impede the prospect of upward mobility, individuals need money to survive and hence they must nevertheless prioritize the prospect of earning employment over other factors. However, employing other factors such as quality of life and personal interest does not imply ignoring employment prospects. In particular, students should consider a variety of factors when determining their field of study. These factors should include employment prospects, personal interest, quality of life, occupational flexibility and future earnings potential.

 

Moreover, people advocating that students select their field of study based on employment prospects must recognize practical limitations. In particular, employment prospects change over time. Although manufacturing jobs were once plentiful, they have largely vanished over the past decade. Thus, selecting a field of study based on employment prospects may paradoxically leave students with few employment opportunities in the future.

 

In sum, students should consider a variety of factors when deciding their field of study. Although employment is a necessary practical consideration, focusing on that particular matter without consideration of other factors may leave students in a regrettable position in the future.

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Thanks in Advance

[mxplusb]

I will not give a rating because I am not sure of the rubric used. But my first impressions are: solid grammar and use of vocabulary; the arguments are clearly stated and there is a good flow that is easily followed. Also the counter-arguement is acknowledged appropriately.

 

Some potential improvements: The fourth paragraph, which addresses counterarguments, would be better placed either as the second paragraph or as next to last, so it doesn't break up the flow of the arguments that you are making.

 

The second paragraph starts out very clear and strong, but the last sentence is confusing, in part because the word "position" is used too many times. (Perhaps "field" would be an appropriate substitute for the middle one.)

 

Consider dedicating a full sentence in the opening paragraph to each of your three points, rather than combining two into one sentence. The word "initially" in the last sentence is, I think, inappropriate: you're talking a problem that is likely to get worse over time, rather than one that is likely to be most acute immediately after graduation. "Actually" or "in fact" would fit better.

 

Also consider whether your main premise is better stated by your first sentence or your final one -- they are not quite the same statement. The first statement leaves unclear whether the availability of jobs should be considered at all. If your premise is that it should only be one factor of several, make it clear in the first paragraph. It is also not clear whether you think that such a factor is likely to "bolster the prospect of future employment" (but other concerns like quality of life are important too) or that the possibility of a changing job market cancels out that potential advantage, making that perception largely illusory.

 

It seems like you're trying to use as many intermediate to advanced vocabulary words as possible; generally you use them accurately, but you may wish to use the principle that a little of that goes a long way, and tone it down a bit. (Then again that may just be my own bias speaking: I work in education, where I typically have to state concepts in a way that 10-year-olds will understand. Of course GRE applications require a different emphasis.)

 

I think your essay has a lot going for it as it stands, and that those changes could make it an outstanding essay. Again, you've already got good grammar, good spelling, a good vocabulary, and a mostly clear, readable structure.

[pemdas]

Another essay on the same prompt, please comment and express your feedback

 

Prompt

College students should base their choice of a field of study on the availability of jobs in that field.

Response

 

The issue of selecting a field of study by college students based on the availability of jobs in the selected field is a controversial one. On the one hand, college education must prepare their students for the industry. Thus, it is logical for some students to select their fields of study which are demanded by the industry. On the other hand, job market has been so volatile in the last decade. Moreover, some college students wish to select their study fields based on the pure interest in certain subjects and/or disciplines. The intention to go outside of college to find a job would not be the ultimate goal of such students. These students are more driven with aspiration to gain knowledge and less concerned with the post-college employment opportunities. In the deep-going analysis, I believe all students would benefit from learning about their potentials primarily and further deciding on their study fields.

 

One reason for my belief that college students should not be nonplussed with job availability after graduating from college is that many of us, people are borne with certain qualities and have inherent abilities to perform various kinds of works. Not two people on the earth can perform the same work with the same level of aspiration. Why would majority of medical college students desire to become surgery assistants then? Is it that they are demanded more or paid higher rates at public and private hospitals? What about resilience after long night shifts? May be some medical college students feel tired of prolonged work performance – is that what they were dreaming for upon entering college? There are some big moneys earnable in other fields too – may be all these people made mistakes by overlooking those opportunities?

 

I am going to disagree with myself about availability of jobs for college students after graduation though. In some cases college students do need to consider employment prospects when selecting their field of study. Not all of us can pay for college. Some will borrow from banks or relatives or friends – in any case they will be facing money issue after graduation from college. Therefore, some students need to be wise in study field selection. I am not saying that they need to blindly accept any given field of study with higher employment prospects. All I am saying is that such students should balance their interests to obtain knowledge in their selected fields with the availability of jobs after graduation.

 

Another reason for my belief that college students need to select their study fields based on not employment prospects and job availability but desire to obtain real knowledge will be following from my personal example. I am having two degrees in finance, one from undergraduate and the other from graduate schools. In addition, I am availing a couple of industry certifications in my occupational area – auditing. Given that I avail these resources to engine my career and earn a six-figure salary starting from today, I am deeply regretting those days spent for all career driven studies. I am aspiring to gain admission to educational institution to grow as a researcher in slightly different field, as all what I knew about myself since high school has been that I enjoy solving insuperable questions. It is astonishing how long it took me to understand that earning moneys and paying bills is not what I want to do all my life. One day I just sat back and decided to change my study field.

 

Perhaps the best reason appealing to me is related to an example of my friend, the physics science degree holder. During our recent interaction, when we were hotly debating over use of mathematical thinking in various fields. I proposed arguments pro math and he refused to give any serious weight to the mathematical thinking. My friend’s argument was based on his field knowledge about physics. He argued that math is going to be based on the set of assumptions, like x, y, z or some functions which will make real life issues subject to premise-conclusion model and any change with given premises, like if x is not x, will result in immediate failure of decision. I had to assent his point of view. He is the man who did not select his study field curmudgeonly based on employment prospects, I know that. He was purely interested in physics as the science and gave me, a finance guy, good hint about how and why all these financial crisis collapses occurred with many more PhDs and university professors studying financial markets. They all were being focused on math perhaps, and who knows how they selected their study fields – sigh.

 

For all the reasons stated above, I therefore believe that college students should be more judicious in selecting their study fields. As I have demonstrated above, our profession will be what we have to live with. I am concluding with saying that belongs to some one else “Man needs to select his dress to suit not only his height but also thinking”.

[Humanomics]

Using personal examples like in the last two paragraphs won't be looked on well -- it's an "issue" essay, not a "opinion" essay. So your personal experiences and feelings should stay out. While the grammar is extraordinarily better than in your other posts, you're still making some pretty bad errors -- since lots of those rules are idiomatic, and takes lots of time to learn, you might want to focus on your tone and approach more than anything. You're using difficult vocabulary . . . in an essay that otherwise has a very conversational tone. Every time you're tempted to say "I" or "my," stop and remember that the goal is to talk about the issue, not yourself. A newspaper would read very strangely if reporters said, "Today I saw a fireman save three children. It was a lot like the time my shed started on fire when I was a kid."

 

I don't know ETS's position on this, but you might get a bit of a free pass for some of the grammatical mistakes and misuse of words -- there is a subtle difference between the kind of mistakes native English speakers, who don't speak well speak, and the way foreigners speak. It's clear you're from outside the US based on your grammar, and it will be received, I think differently than it being clear you're from a poor neighborhood in the US. So holding your ESL status constant, your main problem is that you're writing an opinion essay -- it's not an opinion piece -- it's an issue essay, which basically read like a scholarly paper (or as close to it as you can come), minus the discipline-specific jargon and citations.

[pemdas]

thanks Humanomics, I was awfully misled by one of GRE prep web-bloggers and didn't even look into Kaplan's AWA strategy. All you said here was reasonably stated in Kaplan's and many other issues with my essay: wordiness - I could save more space and speak into topic precisely; unnecessary qualifications - there was no need to be hesitant when describing issue, the delicate tone would make it; must change passive to active voice; you're wright issue essay is not a good place for personal stories; some cliches have to be removed - many are idioms and they could be rephrased with other expressions for clarity.

 

Overall, I think the issue essay has much more rooms for improvement now than when I went to exam and used to feel it's "extraordinary" ;)

[abhishek bansal]

GRE issue topic .

The effectiveness of a country's leaders is best measured by examining the well-being of that country's citizens.

 

Although I agree with the statement that leadership effectiveness can be measured by the well being of it’s citizens but it is not the best method.We may have a leader whose polices, reforms etc. are made in keeping thought of the general public but those policies can be detrimental to nation’s growth.For example, when I was studying in college there was my Director, he is very polite, friendly and generally makes reforms based on students complaints in order to shape the college but if someone from outside look those policies then he/she can think that director is very yielding to students and he is not considering his own opinion and of the image of the college outside his campus.So, that person will put a question mark over his leadership skills.

 

But I do agree it is essential for a leader to keep a focus on its citizens well-being.For example, If the President of our nation will budget more money on Defence, it will strengthen our defence .He can put more money on various things to ensure it’s citizens well being.For example, he can provide better educational standards, better health facilities, better city planning and stopping terrorist activities.If leader solely look for only development of the nation then it is sure he is the good leader but no the best.If a leader cannot understand the needs of his followers then he is not an effective leader.

In conclusion, a leader effectiveness is measured not only by citizens well being but by a numerous factors. Citizens well being is the important criteria and if a leader is missing it, he is not surely a good leader.