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Kindly score my GRE Issue essay and give feddback on how to improve.


Fema

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Hello All,

 

I am appearing for my GRE exam in less than 60 days. Kindly help me to improve on my analytical skills by scoring the following essay and giving a details feedback. The issue analysis I provide here is my first draft.

 

Thanks much!!

 

ISSUE:

Claim: Governments must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need in order to thrive.

Reason: It is primarily in cities that a nation's cultural traditions are preserved and generated.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reasons on which that claim is based.

 

Certainly in today’s fast establishing cosmopolitan culture across major cities of the world, a nation’s traditional cultures are under severe threat. Therefore, it is essential that a government takes sincere steps towards preservation and generation of its endemic cultures and traditions. But first the question that we need to answer is “Are cities of a nation, the true representative of traditional cultures?”

 

Cities form gateway to international cross cultural activities. It provides a platform for display of diverse knowledge which receives mixed acknowledgement due to its cosmopolitan nature. Unique traditional knowledge is identified across the states of a nation and gets an opportunity to get exposed through these international platforms. They get varied response, both positive and negative; often leading to creating sensation and setting trends which may depend on marketing strategies. Sadly enough, popularity tends to erode with time and these unique traditional cultures in their struggle to survive, gets polluted; as they slowly start evolving to meet cosmopolitan demand of the city and lose its novelty. Hence, instead of nation’s cities being representation of diversified traditional cultures becomes uniform.

Moreover, not all traditional cultures get lucky enough to reach these platforms of fame and recognition. Further, governments are known to be biased to promote specific cultural traditions that would ensure generation of high revenues and others may get neglected.

 

In contrast, traditional cultures are endemic to a nation’s rural areas that retain its naivety, safe from cultural pollution. These are the areas where traditional cultures are practiced and inherited over generations. However, as these rural areas are often neglected by government policies and face poor developmental plans; traditional knowledge is on the brink of extinction. Often these people are unable to make any living based on their traditional knowledge or practices like painting or crafts-work, for several reasons. Of the many, few are- it is yet to be identified; government has not recognized the specific knowledge as having potential to generate revenue; or because the local population shares knowledge it is not identified as unique.

 

Therefore, these traditional cultural bearers, travel to cities in search of livelihood. In due course, to overcome alienation and in their persuasion to survive a cosmopolitan nature of city; traditional culture weans away. Over time, these traditional cultures become endangered; and over generations, if ignored, gets extinct.

 

Hence, government needs to identify these hubs of cultural generation and support them in all aspects for its sustenance. A traditional culture may not have great potential to generate revenues but if promoted appropriately can seek global attention. Several cultures may not be relevant in today's scenario but in rapidly depleting biodiversity or during epidemic, many may be answer to few. In addition, a cultural tradition must be conserved for nothing else but its uniqueness.

 

In conclusion, while major cities can act as hub for promotion as well as revenue generation of traditional knowledge it is the by-lanes of rural areas in dire need of financial support to thrive. It’s these rural areas, where traditional cultures generate and needs provisions to be preserved.

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