a risky approach...please share your thoughts

[triscia]

Hi! I've been told my essays lack examples so I tried to incorporate one throughout my issue essay. I'm not sure if I overdid it, though. I would really appreciate your evaluation of this attempt. Please rate it as well. Thanks a lot in advance!!

 

 

Instructions: Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

 

 

My essay:

People are malleable creatures, whose experience consistently shapes their personality and skills, just like the tide shapes even the greatest cliffs. No matter how strong the material that builds them, the tide always prevails.

First and foremost, our daily tasks coalesced with our working environment is bound to influence our ethics and professional skills. Try comparing the same prosperous, motivated worker whose marketing career earned him a management position in two very different companies. One is a creative association whose workers own significant portions of the company and share extraordinary concern and dedication towards the company’s well-being. The other is a competitive corporation where our manager implements directions given to him in order to supervise a large team of people from different backgrounds and disparate levels of motivation. It is difficult to believe that these two experiences could ever shape a similar leader. Our manager of a creative association may be a radiant leader, encouraging insightful ideas of his staff, occasionally directing overly idealistic endeavors towards more practical and profitable projects. His managerial style is relaxed and compassionate, although imposing at times. The corporate manager in which our marketing prodigy developed, is a rather assertive, controlling and authoritative figure whose methods range from helpful suggestions to intransigent demands needed to warrant the overall success of the company.

Following the example of the two leaders, it is fair to assume that these two, at least professionally, very different people have divergent success standards. Being the only manager of a creative association, our off hand manager will probably be focused on the success of the company, therefore developing altruistic tendencies that sometimes lead towards values such as solidarity and community-building. He is likely to be less egotistical compared to the person working in a large corporation, whose ladders he needs to climb. Overall well being will fall behind priorities linked to the personal promotion of our corporate leader. The success of his department will be in function of his impeccable record, whose sole purpose lies in the advancement of his career. Try to guess which leader will attend personal events of his staff and which one is more likely to play golf with his superiors or network at important events corporate events.

Finally, while some may argue that it is our personal predispositions and our level of education that more often define our professional persona, my example proves that our social habits may differ in particular environments and our effective role may influence the relationship we have with our coworkers. Furthermore, people with the same education may develop their knowledge in fundamentally different way: take for example a Harvard lawyer whose career revolved around a divorce cases and compare that person with an environmental lawyer. Even though their educational basis differs in nothing but minutia, the dichotomy of the direction in which their knowledge developed can be explained exclusively by their professional surroundings.

To conclude, just like rocks, leaders’ personalities come in many different shapes and forms, which inevitably disclose all the challenges and inclement or auspicious circumstances in which they were created. Our past achievements and failures not only define who we once were, but also who we seek to become.

[technocrat]

Well i think is very well written,shows your position clearly from the introduction. Language is a adequate to get a 6, lot of complex vocabulary is used adroitly. Arguments are very cogent and succinct and follows a logical pattern from the word go. I don't think that you have overused the example as arguments and reasoning are backing it up throughout. Though i am not sure you grasped the actual gist of the problem statement. You have explained the effects of environment on the character and personality of people and their response to that stimulus commandingly. Still i don't' know why i believe statement ask about the specific qualities of character which a leader requires and role of dependency and accountability on it. You could have included arguments about 2 managers in same organization and environment, but with different responsibility, role and task, and explain how these extra work and dependency nurture their behavior and personality. Anyway that's how i see it, you please look for second opinion. If you have got it right, then you deserve a solid 5 in my observation.

[triscia]

Hi technocrat, thank you so much for your feedback, especially on the extended use of the example, that was my biggest issue. I actually completely agree on second part of your evaluation, it is a bit off the point, I realized that towards the end (that's what I get for writing too hastily, I don't normally manage to write so much so I guess I borrowed from the time usually dedicated to my initial reflection). I agree that your example would be much more appropriate ( or should I say germane haha GRE vocab is killing me). I'll definitely try to find a better balance next time and stick to the point more...this was kind of an experiment and your input helped, so thanks a lot!! :)