Please rate my first issue analysis and give feedback

[swathishyam]

Statement: "The desire of corporations to maximize profits creates conflict with the general welfare of the nation at large. "

 

 

Question Stem: Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above.

Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations or reading.

 

My essay:

Corporations; as such; seem to be a great boon to a nation.

They contribute to improving the economy, providing jobs to thousands of people;

thereby empowering the nation in several ways.

However, they also come with a lot of side-effects.

 

 

Manufacturing industries; for instance; in their aim to make more money;

tend to compromise on quality of products and thus release products that could be inferior.

This kind of adulteration could lead to various health disorders in the consumers.

 

 

Few goods are priced more than a few others; leading to a notion that they might be superior in quality.

This affects the people in more ways than one.

In their attempt to sustain in this high-price war, people find it difficult to make ends meet with their existing incomes.

This ends up in them becoming dissatisfied with their jobs.

Where possible, they resort to bribes and other forms of corruption; thus disturbing the general health of the nation.

 

 

Also, corporations are generally set up in major cities and towns;

requiring people to migrate from villages.

This increasing trend is causing the population of the cities to grow enormously.

Corporations also end up creating brands-for good and bad.

This creates a craze among people to go behind big brands. This affects the small-scale industries as well.

 

 

All this said, though corporations contribute in enabling a nation to be on par with the rest of the world,

their desire to maximize profits certainly conflicts with national welfare.

[vivek2014]

Hey you have used your vocabulary skills and even punctuation's at right places. But all said , the key flaws( though i may be wrong since its my personal views ) are :

 

1. Your first paragraph doesn't give a clear idea of your stand . It only becomes evident after reading subsequent paragraph. So it feels you are having neutral stand.

2. Fourth paragraph related to cities and branding are not very much clear thereby creating some sort of uncertainity.

 

Hope this review helps , do review my essay too :) . All the best :)