please look carefully for 1-2 paragraphs. There are a lot of grammatical errors.
generally according to your essay i can say that you have mentioned all points you need. I think you need to stand for exact point. It will be better for reader thus beneficially for you. That is why the 1st paragraph should be with definite accent on the topic according to your view.
i'll put 3.0-4.0



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