My first issue essay

[rajas]

ISSUE- " 'It takes a village to raise a child.'The education of our children is the task of the community as a whole,not merely the province of teachers and the school administrators."


The education of our children is a sustainable,co-operative teamwork.Though important facets being teacher and the school administrator,there are so many other people involved in it.

The first school of the child is home.His first teachers are his parents who teach him all the basic things.Their love and affection gives him the required security and peace of mind with which he can enjoy the process of learning.They make sure that the child is doing homework in time or not.Many a times,they solve his difficulties during his study.They try to instill right virtues in him which is the foundation stone for future.

The elderly people in the society tell stories with morals to the children which are creating a long lasting impact on them.They make children aware abt the glorious past history of the society. Some times,parents being at work,the elderly people look after the children.

At times, there are daycare centers who are looking after kids if parents at work.These are the support systems of the society which are also making contribution though with a price.There are many adults and some centers to whom teenagers can turn to for educational guidance like what courses he or she may take.

The homeless kids being taken care of by the society.There are non governmental organisations(NGO's) who are taking the role of parents and educators for these kids.These NGO's are getting help in the form of donations from generous people of the society and grants from the the government for this noble cause.

Last but not the least,the government is making policies which gives foremost attention in terms of resources allocation for childrens education.This can be in the form of starting new schools at places with less number of schools or making yearly monetary contribution to the existing ones.The government allocates fund for the poor but scholarly kids in the form of scholarships. Education for children is the fundamental duty of all the nations.

So,the childrens education is a chain like process where every above mentioned element makes its own unique contribution.It is in the form of enrichment and value addition by the village and the community as a whole rather merely being the province of the teacher and the school administrators.


Dear friends,
Please comment!Do tell me if I am off track at any point?Do suggest me new points!

Thanking you,
rajas.

[samarfadl]

hi rajas!
i've read your essay and i've the following comments:

The education of our children is a say "needs a" sustainable,co-operative teamwork. or you can say: The education of our children is a sustainable,co-operative "work" .Though important facets being teacher and the school administrator,there are so many other people involved in it.

nice introduction.

The first school of the child is home.His first teachers are his parents who teach him all the basic things.Their love and affection gives him the required security and peace of mind with which he can enjoy the process of learning.They make sure that the child is doing homework in time or not.Many a times,they solve his difficulties during his study.They try to instill right virtues in him which is say "represent" the foundation stone for future.

good points.

The elderly people in the society tell stories with morals say "try to teach children ethos by narrating moral stories" to the children which are creating these stories create a long lasting impact on them.They make children aware abt of the glorious past history of the society. Some times sometimes is "one word" ,parents being at work,the elderly people look after the children.

i feel that this para. needs to be reorganized, u can first mention the last sentence then add the first two sentences.
i.e.
Sometimes when parents are being at work, the elderly people look after the children. In addition, the elderly people in the society try to teach children ethos by narrating moral stories to the children, these stories create a long lasting impact on them.They also make children aware of the glorious past history of the society.

At times, there are daycare centers who that are looking after kids informal word use children instead of kids if parents at work.These are the support systems of the society which are also making contribution though with a price there is no need for this sentence since there are also private schools which u have to pay to in order to be enrolled in it.There are many adults and some centers to whom teenagers can turn to for educational guidance like what courses he or she may take.

i was unable to understand what u r trying to say in the last sentence. maybe u can rearrange it.

The homeless kids children are being taken care of by the society.There are non governmental organisations organizations(NGO's) who are taking the role of parents and educators for these kids.These NGO's are getting help in the form of donations from generous people of the society and grants from the the repeated word government for this noble cause.

u have made good points in this para.

Last but not the least,the government is making policies which gives foremost attention in terms of resources allocation for childrens children's education.This can be in the form of starting building new schools at places with less number of schools or making yearly monetary contribution to the existing ones.The government allocates fund for the poor but scholarly kids in the form of scholarships. Education for children is the fundamental duty of all the nations.

good points.

So,the childrens children's education is a chain like process where every above mentioned element makes its own unique contribution.It is in the form of enrichment and value addition by the village and the community as a whole rather merely being the province of the teacher and the school administrators.

nice summary, but i prefer to say "To sum up", or "In sum" or anything else instead of "So".


in general it is a good essay rajas
but u need to work on the organization of the essay and the sentences structure.
my comments are in blue, the words in red should be omitted or checked for its spelling.
hope that u don't mind my comments.
see u soon rajas

[rajas]

Hello Samarfadl,

Thanks a lot for ur comments!

You have pointed out very correctly.It is a great work.

I will take care while writing next time.

when u r planning to take gre?

keep writing and see u soon!

rajas.

[rajas]

Originally Posted by samarfadl

hi rajas!
i've read your essay and i've the following comments:


nice introduction.


good points.


i feel that this para. needs to be reorganized, u can first mention the last sentence then add the first two sentences.
i.e.
Sometimes when parents are being at work, the elderly people look after the children. In addition, the elderly people in the society try to teach children ethos by narrating moral stories to the children, these stories create a long lasting impact on them.They also make children aware of the glorious past history of the society.


i was unable to understand what u r trying to say in the last sentence. maybe u can rearrange it.


u have made good points in this para.


good points.


nice summary, but i prefer to say "To sum up", or "In sum" or anything else instead of "So".


in general it is a good essay rajas
but u need to work on the organization of the essay and the sentences structure.
my comments are in blue, the words in red should be omitted or checked for its spelling.
hope that u don't mind my comments.
see u soon rajas

Hello Samarfadl,

Thanks a lot for ur comments!

you have pointed out very correctly.I will be careful next time.

when r u planning to take gre?

Keep writing and see u soon.

rajas.

[samarfadl]

hi rajas

i'm retaking the GRE exam during the next month

and i hope that i'll get the score i wish this time

when is yours?
see u soon rajas

[samarfadl]

hi rajas!

i've just been informed of the exact day of my exam,
it would be on 6 August

wish me luck!

see u rajas

[procrastinator1357]

Hi Rajas,

The word count of this issue is 368. May I suggest you to expand to around 500? I hear that issues should have 400-800 words. I usually aim at the average of 500.

The education of our children is a sustainable, co-operative teamwork.Though important facets being teacher and the school administrator,there are so many other people involved in it.

I like your introduction. It is concise and to the point.


The first school of the (the-->a, since you are not talking about a specific child, but children in general) child is home. His/her (I would suggest you to use gender neutral expressions. If you find it awkward, try using plural forms, i.e. "The first schools of children are..." and "Their first teachers are....") first teachers are his/her parents who teach him/her all the basic things.Their love and affection gives (give) him/her the required security and peace of mind with which he/she can enjoy the process of learning.They make sure that the child is doing homework in time or not (delete "or not"). Many a times,they solve his difficulties during his study (Does solve match with difficulty? If not, change difficulties to problems).They try to instill right virtues in him which is the foundation stone for future.

The elderly people in the society tell stories with morals to the children which are creating a long lasting impact on them.They make children aware abt the glorious past history of the society. Some times,parents being at work,the elderly people look after the children.

I completely agree with Samarfadl's comments on this paragraph.

At times, there are daycare centers who (who-->that) are looking after kids if parents (are) at work.These are the supporting systems of the society which are also making contribution though with a price.There are many adults and some centers to whom teenagers can turn to for educational guidance like what courses he or she may take. I think I understand what your last sentence means. Maybe you can give an example to make it clearer.

The homeless kids being (being-->are) taken care of by the society.There are non governmental organisations(NGO's) who (who-->that) are taking the role of parents and educators for these kids.These NGO's are getting help in the form of donations from generous people of the society and grants from the the government for this noble cause.

Last but not the least (last but not least...I would respect the convention by keeping the phrase the way it is, though people will understand "last but not the least"),the government is making policies which gives (give) foremost attention in terms of resources allocation for children's education.This can be in the form of starting new schools at places with lessnumber of (less number of-->fewer) schools or making yearly monetary contribution to the existing ones.The government allocates fund for the poor but scholarly kids in the form of scholarships. Education for children is the fundamental duty of all the nations.

So,the children's education is a chain like process where every above mentioned element makes its own unique contribution.It is in the form of enrichment and value addition by the village and the community as a whole rather merely being the province of the teacher and the school administrators.

Well done! How long did it take you to write the whole thing? I think you have a lot of good examples. They would serve you even better if you work on the structure of the essay a little bit more. I find that a few of your sentences do not sound natural to my inner ears. Maybe it is just because I am not a native speaker. I hope you wouldn't mind my comments.

[pradipan_cdr]

does this topic belong to the pool of issue topics issued by ets