Can anyone rate my Issue essay?

[Rahvin]

Hey guys, have been using this forum for a while for my preparations. I am really in trouble with the GRE, I am German, English is my third language and I find it difficult to evaluate my work (especially the Verbal part is help). I would really appreciate if somebody would rate my essay and give me some advice.


Prompt: “Men and women, because of their inherent physical differences, are not equally suited for many tasks.”

"Men and women, because of their inherent physical differences, are not equally suited for many tasks." This statement implies that there are jobs and fields in society on which there will be a difference between men and women simply for their varying physical attributes. While I would agree that there are some fields on which the one gender might be more effective than the other I still believe that the statement is too rigid in its emphasis on physical differences. The loosening of traditional conventions and the technological progress of modern society should force us to look less on gender as a limiting effect. Based on these thoughts I am going to present my critique of this statement in the following essay.

First of all, it is true that men and women do not perform each task identically. There are fields that are dominated by men and others are dominated by women. This has always been the case and there is no reason to change this unless the one gender is blocked from a special field based seldom on dogmatic reasoning. If this is not the case there is no need to get more men into fields dominated by women and vice versa just for the sake of gender equality. Everyone should perform those tasks she or he believes to be the most suitable.

However, certain problems and differences still do exist. While a woman might well be suited to fight in a military combat unit, judged by mere physical characteristics only, problems can derive from other issues. For example, a woman serving in the combat troops of the US Army in Afghanistan would have to deal with locals on a daily basis. Yet, in order to be accepted by the locals, she would most likely be expected to wear a headscarf. Furthermore, her orders would not be followed in the same way as the orders given by male members of the unit. But is this enough reason to make the above statement?

Essentially, this is absolutely not a point that is related to physical differences. While it does indeed make sense that on some fields men and women perform different tasks, as in the example in the last paragraph, blaming this on physical differences is wrong. Although strength is required for certain tasks, why refuse a woman who has the necessary strength to work on a construction set or somewhere as a worker? Physical differences might exist between men and women for a variety of reasons but they should not be seen as inherent. If a woman wants to do a task that is designated as one rather suited for men but fulfills the requirements, something that happens more and more often in society, the statement made above becomes invalid.

Especially in modern society, physical differences between men and women are often overstated and generalized. This has to do with two primary reasons. First, the traditional expectations of society had a certain picture of strong men and weak women in mind. Second, many jobs indeed demanded the hardest possible physical labor. Still, both these issues are now changing. A woman, who has different ideals than society expects from her, might well be stronger than most men. Plus, the usage of modern technology makes many jobs physically less demanding. So even if physical differences between men and women exist they can be overcome easily with the use of machines. Physical differences do not seem to be a natural law and the statement therefore makes the mistake of generalization.

Conclusively, I would like to point out that while I agree with the assumption that in some jobs it might be more challenging to integrate women (just as it is the case for men with other jobs), I do not believe that this has necessarily to do with any inherent physical differences. As I stated above, women might be on some missions less capable than men to serve in the armed forces, yet, not necessarily because they are weaker but for different reasons. On the other hand, as social conventions are loosing up, there is an increasing amount of women who end up being physically stronger than men. Modern technology further loosens restrictions on many tasks. Finally, one could state that physical differences and resulting limitations in the modern society should not be seen as something tight to gender. For a vast majority of tasks, men and women can be prepared equally well. Therefore I can not refuse the statement completely, yet I am far away from agreeing with its conclusion.

[Rahvin]

help please!

[sham12345]

You have very good points.
But I am just not able to take the redundancy .


What i feel is that,

1. Your statements are redundant.

eg: This statement implies that there are jobs and fields in society on which there will be a difference between men and women simply for their varying physical attributes.

Here, differences and Varying...are simply redundant.

Instead you could have said:

This statement implies there is workplaces in the society which are discriminated by the both sexes.





Improvement : I would suggest you to read the Gre essay writing books.


I would give between 3-4 Rating.

[rrgre]

good eort, however please do consider following points :
1. You are over stressing on technology and are more biased towards how women can accomplish goals with the help o technology.
2. There was a transgression from the main topic from paragraph 3 .
3. You cangive example of how women work in the mines etc and can endure physical labour. You could also provide examples of how men succeed in the field of cooking which is considered a woman's forte .
4. Also , i feel there is a general lack of structure and the way you state in paragraph 4 that an example is given in last paragraph, a reader has to actually scroll down for the example which kind of disturbs the tempo of reading.

hope my comments were helpful

[dev900]

-try to shorten your sentences, it can confuse reader.
difficulty in understanding this sentence
"This has always been the case and there is no reason to change this unless the one gender is blocked from a special field based seldom on dogmatic reasoning."

----some redundancies---
-"While it does indeed make sense", "while it makes sense" is enough.
-"If a woman wants to do a task that is designated as one rather suited for men" can be shorten to "if a woman wants to do a task that is designed for men"

-increasing amount of women ?? or increasing number?

good luck