My first essay

[geethgubi]

People who dont know how to work with Computers would be disadvantaged. Do you agree or not?

Today in this modern world, computers are used everywhere for everything. It has become the essential part of life. It increases the pace of life. Computers bring lots of flexibility for day to day activities. So I firmly say that people who are not aware of computers are disadvantaged.

Firstly, the computer technologies are more advanced. The detective agents are using computers to track the criminal activities. They are using computers even to figure out the criminal's picture. The astronants are using computers for satellite operation. The computers are used for tracking the transportations through flights, trains, etc. Computer technologies give business agility.

Secondly, Computers play a vital role in education perspective. All the academic books are generated electronically. Students are learning their subjects only through computers. Computers are also useful for them to present their projects to their peers and professors. Students progress can be tracked through computers.

Thirdly, Computers brings lots of information to lay man. The newspapers are made online. Online flight schdule is available for easy usage. This reduces lots of time for the people.

Finally, I would say that people should be taught and trained with computer technologies. Otherwise, they would lose something big in their life.

Please validate my essay and let me know how can I improve. This is my first essay.

[teacherdominic]

Okay. If you are looking for good news, it is that you appear to have reasonable control over English and there are not too many basic grammar mistakes here. The bad news? It needs work I'm afraid - if that is you are looking for a score over 6 in academic IELTS.

This is partly because you seem not to be completely familiar with IELTS writing conventions. It's not just about not making mistakes. The other part is that there is limited range to both your grammar and vocabulary - to get a score over 6 you need slightly more advanced language.

Point number 1 is word count. At least 250 words means at least 250 words - you will be penalised severely for this. My fancy new Macbook tells me this is just over 200.

Do you answer the question? You write about the general topic of IT, but you don't specifically address the question in the body of your essay. This will depend on the examiner, but again you could be penalised severely here for
lack of task fulfillment.

The next most obvious point is the very short sentences you use. There is nothing wrong with the occasional shortish sentence, but you cannot only use short sentence structures if you are looking for a score above 5.5 or so. The solution here is to make your writing more cohesive by linking sentences together.

eg Today in this modern world, computers are used everywhere for everything. It has become the essential part of life.
becomes
Today in this modern world, computers are used everywhere for everything and have become an essential part of life.

Linked into this point is the rather over simple organisational language you use. "Firstly", "Secondly" etc is good and clear, but there are much more sophisticated ways of approaching this.

Don't despair. You say it is your first attempt and it is much better than many other first attempts I have seen. More than that there are enough positives here (clear organisation) to make me think that you can make good short term progress.

Where do you start? I'd start with borrowing a good sample IELTS essay and use that as your model by adopting it and adapting it. My own strong preference is for a 4 paragraph model as it allows you to say more about less and really expand on your main points. This is almost certainly the way to impress the examiner as it allows you show off your language more. I am currently building a free database of such essays on my website.

Another point to consider is developing your skill in paragraph writing. I like to teach my students to "pee": that is to make a point, explain it and then to give an example. It's certainly a model you could consider employing. To see what i mean have a look at this page on coherence in general; it's still under construction, but it should point you in the right direrction.

Finally on the essay, if you are looking for a short cut, one approach is simply to borrow other people's language to structure your essay. Again, I am still building my resources, but I have recently posted a useful list of essay vocabulary.

One last piece of advice: don't ignore task 1. It isn't as important as the essay, but it still carries a third of the marks. In a way, it is a harder task as it is much less familiar to most candidates than the essay - it certainly takes abit of practice to get right.