need to grade my essay

[faysal204]

hi everybody,it's a great forum to improve ielts score,so hats off to this website.Hopefully I will sit for the test this month.But I'm still in confusions abt my essays.I really dont know how well they are written.So it most humbly and respectfully would be very helpful for me if someone grades my following essay.thanks for reading my post.





Improvements in health,education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations.However,the government of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas.
To what extent do u agree.........






To flourish as a nation,every country should improve its health,education and trade system.However poorer nations always find it difficult to achieve that.Therefore,the rich nations should help the poorer nations more in developing those areas.
Firstly,the poorer nations should concentrate on their health issues.The governments of richer nations should invest heavily in this area.Otherwise,many severe diseases can spread out throughout the country without any notification.People may suffer from unknown diseases.So,the rich nations should patronize the research work of these diseases and they should also invest in finding out the remedies.Otherwise,these diseases can appear as warning to the health system of richer nations,too.Moreover,tourists from richer nations often visit these countries to spend their vacation time.So,the richer nations can contribute in improving health facilities of poorer nations so that these tourists can get better health services.
After concentrating on health,education comes next.A well-educated nation can serve not only his own motherland,but also the whole world.So the rich nations should be more responsible in improving their structure of education so that people can come up with innovative ideas.Their ideas should be nourished well so that human civilization can be benefitted.That is why it is very important for the richer nations to make some impact on this area.
Improvements in trade are also necessary for the prosper of poorer nations.The richer nations should have more investment on the poorer countries to create more employment opportunities.They should make such provisions that the poorer nations can enter the world market.As a result,our consumers will come to know about their products and the market will be competitive which will benefit our consumers in the long run.
In conclusion,I should say,it is very important for the richer nations to move forward along with the poorer nations for the sake of human civilization.Otherwise,our existence as human beings will be at stake.

[ielts2u]

Hi Faysal,
You should get a 7.0 for this.
The reason you are at this level is mainly because of grammar. The prepositions are the main problem, but to fix them takes months.
The other 'problem', which you can fix instantly, is that you use too many simple sentences. Connect a few (not all) of your sentneces in each paragraph and you will jump to a 7.5 easily.
For example:
To flourish as a nation,every country should improve its health,education and trade system.However poorer nations always find it difficult to achieve that.
can easily be:
To flourish as a nation,every country should improve its health,education and trade system, however, poorer nations always find it difficult to achieve that.

This seems pointless to students, but it makes a difference in the eyes of the examiners. As I mentioned, don't go crazy. Your 8 sentences in paragraph 2 should be reduced to 4 or 5, but not 1 monster sentence

I hope this helps.
Regards,
Mike
ielts2u - an IELTS writing and speaking help site

[faysal204]

@ ielts2u,u simply great.thy suggestions will help me a lot,thanks.

[ielts2u]

I'm glad I could help.
Regards,
Mike
ielts2u - an IELTS writing and speaking help site