Please rate my essay, beg you

[Joanna821255]

Topic: Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other improtant professionals.
Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.
Discuss both these views and give you our opinion.

The Hurun Rich List has recently published a new reprot. The report shows that Yao Ming, an excellent basketball player, who ranks first comparing with other careers. It is a turth that as a result of constant media attention, sportsman in my country have become stars and celebrities, and those at the top are paid huge salaries. They live extravagant lifestyle with huge houses and cars.

Opposers argue that the earnings of successful athletes far overweight their contributions. They indicate that some top surgons, who devote their life to save the patient`s life, reward only a tip of sportsman`s income. (Question: Should I need to use are rewarded only a tip of sportsman`s income here. The expression of this sentence ‘reward only a tip of sportsman`s income’ is correct or incorrect) It is unfair. However, sports salaries are not determined by considering the contribution to society a person makes. Instead, they reflect the public popularity of sport in general and the level of public support that successful stars can generate. So the notion of ‘fairness’ is not the issue.

Supporters propose that sports stars` salaries are not only the prize for athletes themselves but for their talent. They insist that successful sportsman must own talent apart from strict physical training. Maradona, a legendary football player, is a perfect example. This short man with only 165 centimetre in height, but his talent in football made him become one of the best players in football history. The talent deserves the payment.

Personally, I belive that the amout of money such sportsman earned is justified. Sports is an dangerous activity. It can not deny that almost all sportsmans suffered some injuries druing their enlistment. (Question: May I use the word ‘enlistment, here, if I can not, what is the alternative) Some injuries are deathly. They can destroy the athletic career of an sportsman as well as troubling all their life. (Question: athletic career, storied career and sporting life, which one is better in this sentence) These huge money is just the best compensation. (Question: I used is here, is it correc

[IELTS teacher]

Hi,

I am an IELTS teacher and can give you some feedback.

First of all, some good points:

• You made your position clear
• Your essay was organized well, with clear paragraphs
• You have some really good vocabulary
• You reached the minimum word count

There are some problems with grammar and sentence structure but I won't get into those.

Some spelling errors:

• reprot --> report
• turth --> truth
• surgon --> surgeon
• belive --> believe
• amout --> amount
• druing --> during

It seems that all the above spelling errors are typos. A typo is when the spelling error is due to typing quickly or carelessly (not because we don't know the correct spelling). So be careful - you don't want to lose points because of being in a hurry!

Also:

• Be careful to use gender-inclusive language. "Sportsman" is not appropriate. You should say "athlete" or "sports professional".

And in answer to your questions:

They indicate that some top surgons, who devote their life to save the patient`s life, reward only a tip of sportsman`s income. (Question: Should I need to use are rewarded only a tip of sportsman`s income here. The expression of this sentence ‘reward only a tip of sportsman`s income’ is correct or incorrect)

You should use the passive (are rewarded), except the word 'rewarded' is not appropriate. You could say 'earned' or 'are paid'.

Also 'tip' is not okay here. We have an expression 'a fraction'.

So: They indicate that some top surgeons who devote their lives to save patients' lives, earn only a fraction of some professional athletes.

Sports is an dangerous activity. It can not deny that almost all sportsmans suffered some injuries druing their enlistment. (Question: May I use the word ‘enlistment, here, if I can not, what is the alternative)

No, we use the word 'enlistment' for military. It's better to use 'sports career' or 'athletic career' or just 'career'.

Some injuries are deathly. They can destroy the athletic career of an sportsman as well as troubling all their life. (Question: athletic career, storied career and sporting life, which one is better in this sentence)

You can use 'athletic career' or 'sporting life', but not 'storied career'. And actually 'career' sounds better than 'life'.

These huge money is just the best compensation. (Question: I used is here, is it correct.)

These huge amounts of money are simply the most appropriate compensation. (You can't say 'huge money')

I hope this is helpful information! Good luck with your IELTS exam!

I am an IELTS teacher, and give complete, professional feedback on IELTS essays - in all four criteria: Task Achievement, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, Grammar Range & Accuracy. I charge $10 per essay. Satisfaction guaranteed. I also conduct online speaking practice tests and give feedback. Send me a message if you are interested.