Please grade my IELTS letter

[PBeltrao]

Hello everyone, my name is Pedro and I'm from Portugal.

I need to pass the IELTS exam with 7 on each module in order to be able to immigrate to Australia. I already did the exam, bur unfortunately I missed it, probably cause I had no time to finish my writing exam (not enough word) and it wasn't probably good enough as well.

My grades were:
Reading: 8
Listening: 8
Speaking: 7.5
Writing: 6.5 (needed 7).

Now I'm going to repeat my exam and found this forums, hope you guys can help me out, therefore I will be posting some writing exercises I do at home to get some feedback.

Here's the first of them, a letter about some defective kitchen product bought from a shop:

"
Dear Mr. Paul Young,

I am writing to let you know that last week I bought a new dishwasher for my kitchen from you shop. Unfortunately it doesn't work as I expected.

When I turn on the machine, it emits a really strange sound, like if it was a Formula One car passing by at 200 mph. After being washed, my dishes look dirtier than before and my silverware looks like it's made of brass instead of silver.

I tried to call your shop about this issue, but I was told there was nothing they could do unless the machine didn't work at all. I've even considered cutting some internal wires after hearing this, so that it stopped working and your company would then provide me with support.

Considering all of this, I would really appreciate that you would let me return the machine and receive a refund. These kind of issues are really not acceptable, so, if you don't give me a refund, I will follow all the needed legal procedures to sue your company.

Best Regards,
Pedro
"

Thanks a lot in advance to all of you.

edit: found 2 typos

[PBeltrao]

Edit: One thing I really have to learn is to always review what I write. Just noticed quite a few typos and corrected them here.

"
Dear Mr. Paul Young,

I am writing to let you know that last week I bought a new dishwasher for my kitchen from you shop. Unfortunately it doesn't work as I expected.

When I turn on the machine, it emits a really strange sound, like if it was a Formula One car passing by at 200 mph. After being washed, my dishes look dirtier than before and my silverware looks like it's made of brass instead of silver.

I tried to call your shop about this issue, but I was told there was nothing they could do unless the machine didn't work at all. I've even considered cutting some internal wires after hearing this, so that it stopped working and your company would then provide me with support.

Considering all of this, I would really appreciate that you would let me return the machine and receive a refund. These kind of issues are really not acceptable, so, if you don't give me a refund, I will follow all the needed legal procedures to sue your company.

Best Regards,
Pedro
"

Thanks a lot in advance to all of you.

[Pete J]

I'm sorry to hear you didn't get the IELTS Writing band score you need, Pedro.

Based on your writing here, I think there is one aspect that could have prevented you from a getting a band score 7.0 for Task 1 in your test, and that is the tone of your letter.

In IELTS General Training Writing Task 1, you may have to write a letter in a more serious/polite tone (i.e. a formal letter) or in a more relaxed/friendly tone (i.e. an informal letter). To get a band score 7.0 or above for the content of your letter, you need to write in a consistent and appropriate tone throughout.

In your letter above, your tone is serious and polite in places (which is appropriate for this kind of letter) but also very direct and aggressive in places (which is not appropriate). For example, your tone was serious and polite when you said "I would really appreciate...", but direct and aggressive when you said "if you don't give me a refund, I will follow...".

Your tone would have been more consistent if you had said "Considering all of this, I would really appreciate it if I could return the machine and receive a refund. These kind of issues are really not acceptable, and if they are not dealt with to my satisfaction, I may seek legal advice'.

For some more advice about this kind of writing task, have a look at my blog post 'Some advice for IELTS General Training Writing Task 1'.

Best wishes,

Pete

[PBeltrao]

Thank you so much for your feedback Peter, I will definitely take that in consideration.

Best Regards,
Pedro

[Pete J]

You're welcome, Pedro.

To see a sample letter for a similar IELTS General Training Writing Task 1, have a look at my blog post 'Sample IELTS letter of complaint'.

Pete