Please score my essay (IELTS Taks 2) I need to achive band 7

[IELTSPT]

Today more people are travelling than ever before. Why is this the case? What are the benefits of travelling for the traveller? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

 

Indeed, the tourism has become an important industry, the newest one of last century. On some countries, this industry can move a lot of money and provide with many job positions.

 

From my point of view, nowadays the people will of travelling have increased, comparing with the past. Secondly, the wages are higher. People have more economic availability to afford travels prices.

 

Adding to this, the number of low cost companies has increased also, therefore people can more easily buy a fly ticket. Finally, with the airplanes development increasing, distances become shorter and travels become more comfortable for travelers. People are no longer afraid of make long distance trips.

 

Due to this people have more benefits than ever. With such improvements on travelling it is normal to have an increase in travel demand. Travellers can get to know more cultures, more civilizations and more languages than before. They can be more aware of differences between cultures.

 

Also, making travels can be really enjoyable. Most of people, who make a trip, do it in order to have some fun and to spend quality time during its holidays.

Moreover, who travels can enrich their culture and their life experience among other civilizations. For instance, most of people want to know how Mayan civilizations lived and built their buildings or want to get know how nature relies in Amazonia rainforest.

 

In conclusion, travelling is really important for everybody and for the tourism industry. For everybody because they can enrich their knowledge based on other cultures and for tourism because it moves millions in global economy.

[behbahani]

HI , I just took the IELTS and got 8 for writing , your writing deserves 6 , in order to enhance it you should use less common words and should not repeat your sentences. I hope you will find my comments useful, the words with red color should be omitted and instead read those in () .

 

 

Today more people are travelling than ever before. Why is this the case? What are the benefits of travelling for the traveller? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

 

Indeed, the tourism has become an important ( a significant) industry (worldwide), the newest one of last century. On (in)some countries, this industry can move a lot of money (can bring an immense amount of money) and provide with many job positions (innumerable job opportunities).

 

From my point of view, nowadays the people's will of travelling have increased (escalated), comparing with the past. Secondly, the wages are higher. People have more economic availability(are more likely ) to afford travels prices(expenses).

 

Adding to this, the number of low cost companies(companies which offer discounts) has increased(proliferated) also, therefore people can more easily buy a fly ticket. Finally, with the airplanes development increasing, distances become shorter and travels become more comfortable for travelers. People are no longer afraid of make (going on or taking ) long distance trips.

 

Due to this people have more benefits than ever. With such improvements on travelling it is normal to have an increase in travel demand. Travellers can get to know more cultures, more civilizations and more languages than before. They can be more aware of differences between cultures.

 

Also, making travels (travelling) can be really enjoyable. Most of people, who make (go on ) a trip, do it in order to have some fun and to spend quality time during its (their) holidays.

Moreover, who travels can enrich their culture and their life experience among other civilizations. For instance, most of people want to know how Mayan civilizations lived and built their buildings or want to get (to ) know how nature relies in Amazonia rainforest.

 

In conclusion, travelling is really important for everybody and for the tourism industry. For everybody because they can enrich their knowledge based on other cultures and for tourism because it moves millions in global economy.