Can someone,please evaluate my writing for IELTS?

[sialko]

The line graph compares the number of goods transported in the UK from 1974 to 2002 by road, water, rail and pipelines.
It can be seen clearly, that the most amount of goods were transported by road, while pipelines have been used the least.
In 1974, the goods transported by road were about 70 million tonnes. However the lowest number was reached between1978 and 1982 at around 68 million tonnes. In 2002,almost 100 million tonnes of goods were transported by road, reaching its peak.
Furthermore, water and rail in the first 4 years were used equally and the quantity that was transported per each one were 40 million tonnes. Then water followed an increase, reaching its peak a bit over 60 million on 2002. On the other hand, rail had a drop, staying under 40 million for most of the time, but after 1994 had a rapid rise reaching a peak at 41 million.
Pipelines started with a very low number of 5 million tonnes but the figures show a steady increase over the time. The amount of goods transported by pipelines reached a peak on 1994 and stayed stable afterwards at 21 million tones.

It is well known that the quality of life has improved over the years. Technology has helped in making life much easier for most of us. The convenience that came though have side effects. The increase in the average weight of people in some countries is one of these effects.
First of all, people got used to the convenience that was provided to them. Junk food is one of the causes. The working hours have been increased for a lot of people resulting to limited time to even cook. Thus they prefer junk food as it is much easier to be prepared. The continue consumption of junk food can be blamed in the rise of the fat in our bodies. This fat is the cause for many health problems.
Furthermore, people walk less , using mostly their cars, taxis and buses. Even at their free time, they prefer just to relax and refrain from any sport activities. The children stay inside spending most of the time playing computer and console games, while adults watch television. Fitness is being decreased and body weight is increasing as those activities don’t contribute in fat burning and exercise the body.
It can be seen clearly, measures should be taken to stop these problems. People like these, should be treated carefully as it is a sensitive matter. I believe there should be a campaign informing for the seriousness of overweight. Governments should create activities such as sports, trekking, cycling and more. Then they have to motivate people to participate in them. In addition, programs should be created in schools were children will be educated better about these problems.
In conclusion, the increase of the weight of people in some countries it is a reality but there are ways to control the problem and help them restore their health and fitness. Of course for that to happen, immediate measures have to be taken.

[ielts2u]

Hi Saiko,
Your task 1 should get you a strong 6.0. Your writing lacks discipline, but parts of it are great. It looks like someone who has lived overseas, but has not had many classes? For example, your first two sentences should be one paragraph and 'per each one' in the fourth paragraph, should be 'for each one'. These are relatively small mistakes, and relatively easy to remedy.

Your task 2 should get you a high 6.0 again. The problem is the same. You have the vocabulary and grammar to get an easy 7.0; however, there are some simple mistakes that look like you have pursued fluency over accuracy.

You need writing correction. Write, get your mistakes corrected, study them and do another essay. Any of the sites advertised here will do a good job. Alternatively, find a teacher in your town and do the same thing.

I hope this helps.
Regards,
Mike
ielts2u -an IELTS writing help site