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SOCIAL NETWORKS (FACEBOOK) - IELTS writing task II. Please some feedbacks....


Abdurasul

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Hello everybody!

Please could you give me some feedbacks about my essay and grade it honestly:)

 

 

Topic:

The increasing number of social networking sites does more harm than good to people. Facebook can be taken as an example. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

 

 

It is certainly true that the social networks, particularly Facebook, have become an inseparable part of our lives. While there are some valid arguments to the contrary, I believe that the benefits of Facebook outweigh its drawbacks.

 

On the one hand, there are some people who argue that networks such as Facebook are resulting in social isolation. To clarify, those people who are engaged in surfing the social sites excessively are tend to have a lack of confidence while "tete-a-tete" conversations with other people. Therefore, they do seem to loose their communications skills. On the other hand, the rest of people underline the fact about the existence of adult content which can have an adverse impact on children. However, there are certain advantages that can easily overwhelm potential pitfalls of using the social networks.

 

Further and even more importantly, Facebook does seem to have a wide range of positive features. Firstly, many people have benefited from this social webpage for its usefulness in terms of education. Facebook users, for example, can get daily suggestions for their study aspects by clicking "like" buttons on different pages. Secondly, it has become a powerful tool in order for people to keep in touch with loved ones in far away places. Finally, there is no doubt that for the majority of people Facebook has become a place where they can share all their experiences (photos, videos, links and so on).

 

In conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that the social networks similar to Facebook have been very positive trend due to the aforementioned reasons.

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  • 3 months later...

The introduction looks good and would get you an 8.0!

The 'against' paragraph is not so good. It looks more like a 6.0 to 6.5. Thee are some basic grammar problems (are tend to, the rest of people...) and the logic is poor. Your idea of social isolation is supported clumsily then you add 'adult content' almost as an after thought.

The 'for' paragraph looks like a 6.5 to 7.0. The grammar is better, but...The topic sentence is awful: 'Further...' Is not used when you have a contrasting paragraph and then you concentrate on Facebook, when the essay should be about (all) social networks. The last sentence would be better used to support the second point.

The conclusion is difficult to mark. A 6.0 for some examiners, because it says nothing and looks formulaic. However, if the body paragraphs were better, this might be overlooked (You only have 250 words to play with).

overall, this essay looks like a 6.5 to 7.0.

If you did this in a rush, spend more time writing a plan before you begin. With your language, you can get a much higher score.

Regards,

Mike

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