Jump to content
Urch Forums

Help me grade my writing please?


tulusin1922

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone,

 

I'm taking the IELTS (academic) next week and I have some issues with the writing part. Can someone review my essay and mark my mistakes? I need a band 7.5.

TASK 2

 

Most schools offer some type of physical education program to their students. Why is physical education important? Should physical education classes be required or optional?

 

Since most schools started to include physical education programs in their curriculae many questions have arisen. Why has exercise become so important? It is really necessary? And moreover, should physical education classes be required or optional?

In my opinion, physical education is essential for the student well-being. My opinion obeys three reasons

 

First of all, recent medical research has proven that practicing a physical activity helps to improve academic perfomance. Due to exercise the brain receives a considerable amount of oxygen, which helps it to improve it’s functions. Therefore, a student who regularly performs a physical activity has a better disposition to learn.

 

Secondly, excercise is necessary to maintain a good mental health, which is especially important in young people, since they are prone to suffer depression and other anxiety disorders. When they excercise, their brains produce endorphins, a group of hormones related with the feeling of happiness and well being. Moreover, the levels of cortisol, the hormone that produces stress, are reduced.

 

Thirdly, I truly believe that performing physical activities like football, basketball and such, create good habits. Playing the mentioned sports encourage students to work as a team, so in the end they not only have fun but also develop relationships with their classmates, and as a plus, learn the basics of teamwork.

 

In conclusion, physical education programs are not a waste of the students time or of the school resources, as some people would imply. Exercise is important, especially for young people like middle-schoolers who are sill developping, both physically and emotionally. Therefore, and for all the reasons stated above, I consider that physical education should be a compulsory subject in every school.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

I am guess ing that you got a 6.5 for your writing? (Please tell me if I am wrong.)

the problems are:

"My opinion obeys three reasons." Is a bad translation from your language. "The reasons for and against physical education will be discussed in this essay." would be better.

The body paragraphs are all advantages. Your third body paragraph could discuss the argument against the topic (which you introduce in your conclusion) and finish with a refutation (why this argument is not strong).

the conclusion introduces al lot of new ideas (a 'sin' in academic writing). A quick summary, then your thesis statement, will get you a better score. A final comment to follow that would get you closer to an 8.0.

These issues are all just style. Your grammar and vocabulary are good enough for a 7.5, so look at 'essay structure' in IELTS and university websites. Even if you got the score you required, this will help you greatly when you study overseas.

Regards,

Mike

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...