Jump to content
Urch Forums

Please rate my essay - IELTS Task2


Apbhoi007

Recommended Posts

Hello,

I would be highly grateful if you rate my below essay.

 

Topic: Today people have unhealthy diet and do not exercise. What do you think why it is so. what are the reasons.Suggest some solutions to solve this situation

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Over the past few years, advancement in technology has made human life easy and more comfortable;however, it has made some detrimental impact on people's life such as they tend to eat unhealthy food and do less workouts. In this essay I will find out its reasons and try to draw some solutions to minimize its negative impacts on human's life.

 

 

To begin with, the main resaon for people's unhealthy lifestyle is too much workload in the office. This means they have to work for extra hours in the office and so they cannot spare enough time to make food for themselves at home;eventually inadvertibly they opt for fast food or other ready made package food for them because they are ready to make and tasty despite unhealthy.Another complelling reason is technological advancement which affects greaty to human's life.For example, few years ago people tend to walk some distance to reach their office, when they commute to their work place and now almost everyone has car so that they have to least walking. Additionally,home appliances such as advanced dishwasher, microwave oven , and many more have made physical work for a man unlike some years ago.Hence, their passive form of excersises has been increasingly reduced.

 

 

There are few solutions to mitigate the situation. Firstly, individuals should be made known via health awareness programs by the government about benifits of healthy diet and detrimental effect of junk food and readymade package food.Moreover, the authority ought to emphasize on buiding more gyms at a nominal fees in each city so that more people take benifit of them. Secondly, the government should mandate physical education starting from the primary education and they should be graded with their examiniation with sports performance along with their academic so that pupils encouraged about their health from their childhood. Finally, the government should enfroce strigent employment laws that help people to reduce their over time work and make their work life balance.

 

 

In Conclusion, people living unhealthy life style owing to extra workload given by their employers and advances in technology. However, to curb this situation, the government come forward for the society by providing education and awareness.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for posting your essay.

 

I think it will be useful for you (and other IELTS candidates) to know which combinations of words are used correctly in your essay and which aren't.

 

Combinations of words that naturally go together are called collocations, and it will help you get a higher IELTS band score for your vocabulary if you use them.

 

Here are some examples of collocations from your answer that are used correctly:

 

  • an effect on...
  • to opt for...

  • a compelling reason

  • to enforce a law

  • an advance in...

 

Here are some examples of mistakes with collocations:

 

  • to make an impact (it should be 'have an impact')
  • a detrimental impact (it should be 'a detrimental efffect')
  • to draw some solutions (it should be 'put forward some solutions' or 'suggest some solutions')
  • to mitigate the situation (it should be 'improve the situation' or 'rectify the situation')
  • stringent laws (it should be 'stringent regulations')
  • to curb the situation (it should be 'change the situation' or 'improve the situation')

 

Good luck with your IELTS test.

 

Pete

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Pete,

 

Thanks for your suggestion. I will certainly work on these points . However, if you can provide bands for this essay, it will be helpful for me.

 

Thanks for posting your essay.

 

I think it will be useful for you (and other IELTS candidates) to know which combinations of words are used correctly in your essay and which aren't.

 

Combinations of words that naturally go together are called collocations, and it will help you get a higher IELTS band score for your vocabulary if you use them.

 

Here are some examples of collocations from your answer that are used correctly:

 

  • an effect on...
  • to opt for...

  • a compelling reason

  • to enforce a law

  • an advance in...

 

Here are some examples of mistakes with collocations:

 

  • to make an impact (it should be 'have an impact')
  • a detrimental impact (it should be 'a detrimental efffect')
  • to draw some solutions (it should be 'put forward some solutions' or 'suggest some solutions')
  • to mitigate the situation (it should be 'improve the situation' or 'rectify the situation')
  • stringent laws (it should be 'stringent regulations')
  • to curb the situation (it should be 'change the situation' or 'improve the situation')

 

Good luck with your IELTS test.

 

Pete

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Pete,

 

Thanks for your suggestion. I will certainly work on these points . However, if you can provide bands for this essay, it will be helpful for me.

 

I'm glad you found my suggestion helpful.

 

To help you understand how good your writing is and how to improve, here's what it says in the public version of the official IELTS band score descriptors for Writing Task 2:

 

  • IELTS band score 7: Candidate uses less common vocabulary with some awareness of collocation
  • IELTS band score 8: Candidate skilfully uses less common vocabulary but there may be occasional inaccuracies in collocation

In terms of collocations, based on my post above and these descriptions, do you think your use of collocations is more like a band score 7 or 8?

 

If you want to learn more about less common vocabulary, check out my blog post about IELTS Speaking band score 7 vocabulary at www.freeieltscourse.com/ielts-speaking-tips/ielts-speaking-band-score-7-vocabulary/

 

Pete

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Task II

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

Should arts-related entertainment venues such as museums and art galleries be free of charge for the general public, or should a charge apply for admittance?

Discuss this issue, and give your opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words

Entry to art related venues like museums and art galleries be made free or there should be a charge for the same. I am totally in favor that there should be charge levied for the entry to such places and can justify the same with numerous reasons.

To begin with, I would like to say that anything which comes for free does not has much value. If the entry is made free no one would understand the importance of such places. Moreover, people would then visit such places just for time pass and the core reason of opening such places will not be met. I remember in 2009, entry to Kolkata museum was made free for a month and the museum almost turned to a park because people started visiting the museum not as going to museum but as a place to loiter around. Consequently, the government had to start the entry fees again.

Not only that, entry to such places brings a lot of revenue to Government which is used for their maintenance. If this revenue is stopped Government will have to start financing for the same which otherwise could have been used elsewhere. According to a report published by the finance ministry in India in 2010, an amount of 20 million was spent on the repair of Nehru Museum where entry was free.

To sum up, I would say that these places are to be given special care and their importance needs to be intact and as such putting an end to entry fees to such places would be a deep blow. No one would value diamonds if they were as easily available as stones. These places are no less than diamonds for the country.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Task II

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

Should arts-related entertainment venues such as museums and art galleries be free of charge for the general public, or should a charge apply for admittance?

Discuss this issue, and give your opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words

.

 

Thanks for posting your essay, Abhishek.

 

Can I ask where you got the IELTS Writing Task 2 question from?

 

The reason I'm asking is that it isn't written like an official IELTS Writing Task 2 question, and it isn't clear if you have to write about one side of the argument or both. (If you were given a score for this essay, it may not be very accurate because the question isn't clear).

 

In a real IELTS test, this topic would probably be written as a 'Discuss both views..' or 'To what extent...' question.

 

Some people think that entry to museums and art galleries should be free of charge to the general public. Others, however, believe that people should have to pay an admission fee to enter these attractions.

 

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

 

For a 'Discuss both views...' question, if you only discuss one view (like you have done in your essay), you would lose marks for the content of your writing.

 

Museums and art galleries should be free for the general public to enter.

 

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

 

For a 'To what extent...' question, it's okay to write about one side of the argument (like you have done in your essay).

 

You can learn more about IELTS Writing Task 2 questions on my free ielts course at www.freeieltscourse.com.

 

Best wishes,

 

Pete

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for posting your essay, Abhishek.

 

Can I ask where you got the IELTS Writing Task 2 question from?

 

The reason I'm asking is that it isn't written like an official IELTS Writing Task 2 question, and it isn't clear if you have to write about one side of the argument or both. (If you were given a score for this essay, it may not be very accurate because the question isn't clear).

 

In a real IELTS test, this topic would probably be written as a 'Discuss both views..' or 'To what extent...' question.

 

Some people think that entry to museums and art galleries should be free of charge to the general public. Others, however, believe that people should have to pay an admission fee to enter these attractions.

 

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

 

For a 'Discuss both views...' question, if you only discuss one view (like you have done in your essay), you would lose marks for the content of your writing.

 

Museums and art galleries should be free for the general public to enter.

 

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

 

For a 'To what extent...' question, it's okay to write about one side of the argument (like you have done in your essay).

 

You can learn more about IELTS Writing Task 2 questions on my free ielts course at www.freeieltscourse.com.

 

Best wishes,

 

Pete

 

Thanks a lot for your analysis. Actually i took this question from an online course IELTS preparation courses, practice tests and answers | IELTS Online.

Infact,i was also confused while writing whether i should write about both the views or take one stand but mater decided to select the mater.

Let's say if it was to what extent where my answer is according to question around what band would i get.

 

Looking forward to hearing from You.

Regards

Abhishek

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for letting me know, Abhishek.

 

If the question was 'Discuss both views...', and you only discussed one view, you would be limited to a band score 5 for the content of your writing:

 

  • IELTS band score 5: Candidate addresses the task only partially (i.e. answers only part of the essay question)

If the question was 'To what extent...', you could get a higher band score because it's okay to write about one side of the argument for this type of question.

 

To get a band score 8 or above for the content of your writing, you need to avoid overgeneralisation (i.e. a statement that isn't accurate because it isn't true for everyone all of the time).

 

Here are a couple of examples of overgeneralisation from your writing:

 

  • If the entry is made free no one would understand the importance of such places. Moreover, people would then visit such places just for time pass and the core reason of opening such places will not be met.

To avoid overgeneralisation in these sentences, you need to include words like 'many' or 'most':

 

  • If the entry is made free most people would not understand the importance of such places. Moreover, many people would then visit such places just for time pass and the core reason of opening such places will not be met.

Good luck with your test,

 

Pete

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...