khoathao16 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 (edited) Hi, I am a new member and I am going to take the test in July. I would be grateful if you rate my essay. Thanks. Topic: Some people consider sport to be their career and role in the society. For others, it is mostly a workout to keep fit. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Nowadays, it is true that sport plays a very important role in our life. Some people even turn it into their career. In my own opinion, sport career is not a bad choice but it is a little risky. First of all, it is clear that one of the first reasons why people come to sports is to keep fit. Sports help them having a good health, lifting their spirit, and so on. After several years playing sports, some particular people find it really interesting and passionate. They know that this is the career which they are looking for and decide to be athletes. For others, in contrast, they do not consider sports as a career because they simply do not think that sports can bring them a good life or their sports passion is not that much. And as we all know, without passion and determination, we can’t be successful in anything. If someone does not like sports, you can’t force him or her to choose sports as a career. In my opinion, sport career has 2 sides: positive and negative. If you are successful and can be number one in the world like Roger Federer in tennis or Lionel Messi in football, you can do many things. By then, you will not have to worry about your living anymore and will even be able to help others by doing charities or founding a foundation. It sounds great but if you are just an average player or even worse, getting a serious injury which destroys your career, you will be nothing and there will be no way to get back. In sum, working out to keep fit is good. However, if you want to make it as a career, like any other jobs, you must consider carefully because after your decision is made, you have to follow it till the end. Edited May 26, 2015 by khoathao16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abhisheknathani Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 You should have a separate para for conclusion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khoathao16 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 Well, my conclusion para is from "In sum" to the end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abhisheknathani Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 you can do many things is very vague. Otherwise your essay seems okay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abhisheknathani Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 For me it is a band 6.5 essay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khoathao16 Posted May 27, 2015 Author Share Posted May 27, 2015 For me it is a band 6.5 essay So what can I do to improve it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abhisheknathani Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 Please see the corrections and my estimation. Some people consider sport to be their career and role in the society. For others, it is mostly a workout to keep fit. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Nowadays, it is true that sport plays a very important role in our lives life. Some people even turn pursue it as into their career. In my own opinion, sport career is not a bad choice but it is a little risky. First of all, it is clear that one of the first main reasons why people come to choose sports is to keep fit. Sports help them to have having a good health, liftsing their spirit, and so on. After several years playing sports, some particular people find it really interesting and passionate. They know that it this is the career that which they are looking for and decide to become professional athletes. For others, in contrast, they do not consider sports as a career because they simply do not think that sports can bring them a good life or their sports passion is not that much enough. And as we all know, without passion and determination, we can’t be successful in anything. If someone does not like sports, you can’t force him or her to choose sports as a career. In my opinion, sports career has 2 sides: positive and negative. If you are successful and can be number one in the world like Roger Federer in tennis or Lionel Messi in football, you can do many things. By then, you will not have to worry about your earning a living anymore and will even be able to help others by doing charities or starting founding a foundation. It sounds great but if you are just an average player or even worse, getting suffer a serious injury which destroys your career, you will be nothing and there will be no way to get back. In summary, working out to keep fit is good. However, if you want to make it as a career, like any other jobs, you must consider carefully because after your decision is made, you have to follow it till the end. [TABLE] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Requirement[/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Description[/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #efefef]Achieved[/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #efefef]Improvement Needed[/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Task Achievement [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]A full answer with all aspects of the topic covered [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3][/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Length/ Number of Words [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD]312. OK. It is best to stay between 250-280 words for Task 2. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Cohesion & Coherence [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Intro: Clear, focussed & topic paraphrased [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3][/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Paragraphs: Clear & focussed with one central issue & topic sentence [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] [TABLE] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Requirement[/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Description[/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #efefef]Achieved[/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #efefef]Improvement Needed[/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Task Achievement [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]A full answer with all aspects of the topic covered [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3][/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Length/ Number of Words [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD]312. OK. It is best to stay between 250-280 words for Task 2. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Cohesion & Coherence [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Intro: Clear, focussed & topic paraphrased [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3][/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Paragraphs: Clear & focussed with one central issue & topic sentence [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] [TABLE] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Requirement[/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Description[/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #efefef]Achieved[/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #efefef]Improvement Needed[/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Task Achievement [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]A full answer with all aspects of the topic covered [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3][/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Length/ Number of Words [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD]312. OK. It is best to stay between 250-280 words for Task 2. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Cohesion & Coherence [/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Intro: Clear, focussed & topic paraphrased [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3][/TD] [TD=bgcolor: #f3f3f3]Paragraphs: Clear & focussed with one central issue & topic sentence [/TD] [TD]Yes [/TD] [TD][/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abhisheknathani Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 LINKING WORDS USED-YES CONCLUSION CLEAR-YES LEXICAL RESOURCE-PARTIAL- SOME INCORRECT USE OF VOCABULARY CORRECT USE OF WORDS AND COLLOCATIONS-PARTIAL SOME ERROR GRAMMAR-SOME ERRORS OF PREPOSITIONS OVERALL ESTIMATE TASK ACHIEVEMENT-9 COHESION & COHERENCE-8 LEXICAL RESOURCE-7 GRAMMAR-7 OVERALL BAND ESTIMATE-7.5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khoathao16 Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 Well, thanks a lot. By the way, what is my exactly score? 6.5 or 7.5? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abhisheknathani Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 According to me it is 7.5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khoathao16 Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 Ok, thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerry Frost Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Sometimes people believe smth. because of laziness. For example sometimes it is geberally accepted to believe that professional sport leads to being invalid later, It´s madness. Or it´s better to say a comfortable explanation why one has never practiced sport professionally Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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