Can you give feedback for my writing IELTS?

[Marton Zeisler]

Here's the link to the question.

 

http://s29.postimg.org/h78h6505z/IMG_0910.jpg

 

Here's what I wrote. Please give me feedback regarding grammar, vocabulary and coherence. If possible give me a score out of 9 please. It would help me a lot.

The graph compares the number of minutes of telephone calls in the UK in 3 categories from 1995 to 2002. It can be clearly seen that the amount of mobile calls increased significantly throughout the years. The graph clearly reveals that mobile calls became extremely popular by the end of the 8 year period.

 

There were only slight increases for mobile calls every year until 2000, when a noticeable rise occurred between 1999 and 2000. It was followed by another similarly significant increase in popularity of mobiles the next year. However, in the next year, only a very slight increase occurred in mobile calls. National and international calls were increased every year with no exception similar to mobiles. However there was no rapid increases unlike mobile calls’s sudden increases as years went by. The only noticeable increase for national and international calls happened between 1998 and 2000, when there was an unusually bigger rise than in previous years. This rise was followed by very little rises in the next 2 years.

 

Local calls experienced not only increases but significant drops too during the 8 year period. The first 4 years showed identical rises but it was followed by a hardly noticeable increase next year in 1994, when the peak value was recorded at 99 which is the highest peak value amongst the 3 categories. The peak was then followed by similar drops in the remaining 3 years.

 

It is clearly visible that local calls were the most popular type of calls as it’s peak value was recorded almost twice bigger than mobile call’s highest point on the graph.

Edited July 16, 2015 by Marton Zeisler
formatting

[Nostril5]

The introduction looks Ok, but you focus on mobile phones too much.

The next paragraph is poor. You repeat the word 'increase' too much. Use a range of vocabulary. You also give no numbers.

The next paragraph is slightly better.

The conclusion is ok, but 'twice bigger' is incorrect.

 

You should get a 6.0 for this.

The good news is that your grammar is quite good. If you change your strategy and use a variety of vocabulary, a 7.0 should be very easy to achieve.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Mike