PLEASE CHECK MY IELTS ESSAY

[Armaandeep]

[h=2]please check my ielts essay[/h]

IELTS ESSAY TOPIC-SOME BUSINESSES PROHIBIT SMOKING IN ANY OF THEIR OFFICES.SOME GOVERNMENT HAVE BANNED SMOKING IN ALL PUBLIC PLACES.DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE THAT THIS IS A RIGHT COURSE OF ACTION?GIVE REASONS FOR YOUR OPINION.

 

There is no shadow of doubt that cigarette smoking is a biggest menace to the overall health of the public.Generally it is believed by many people that ban on smoking in public places by the government is justifiable as smoking is the root cause of deaths in many countries every year and its treatment requires a colossal amount of money.Others,however,believe that people should have a right to smoke as it relaxes their mind and provides high taxes to the regime.I strongly agree with the former point.

 

 

To begin with,smoking in public places is the significant cause of of respiratory diseases to any masses.Cigarettes contain almost 4000 chemicals,that destroys the health of the person and cause major health ailments such as asthma,bronchitis,lung cancer and pneumonia.According to the recent research in Britain,350 people die due to road accidents,whereas,smoking is the principle cause of death of 12000 people per year.

 

 

Moreover,smoking cause deleterious effects on the health of non-smokers as well.It has been researched that effects of smoking on passive smokers are worse than active smokers.Passive smoking has caused respiratory diseases and detrimental effects on expectant mothers.It has been witnessed that children of mothers who came in contact with smoke of cigarettes were born mentally retarded.Thus,treatment of these diseases entails a high expenditure for the government.

 

 

On the other hand,smoking provides relaxation to some folks who are suffering from stress of exams and debts.It helps to relieve stress and prevents psychological illness.Besides that,cigarette industries provide high tax amounts to the government.These taxes are being used in the productive works such as maintenance of schools and hospitals for the public of the country.

 

 

In conclusion,although smoking provides ultimate relaxation to masses and high income to the government,however, the adverse effects of cigarette smoking in the form of risks to the health of folks and expenditure required for treatment outweigh its advantages.Therefore,ban on smoking in public places is the right decision and in the forseeable future,it is predicted it would help to reduce diseases and would maintain the overall health of the public.

[Armaandeep]

I am waiting from 5 days to get my essay checked,please give me feedback

[Nostril5]

Hi,

This looks like a 6.5 to a low 7.0 or higher in India and Pakistan:)

The grammar has some simple mistakes with grammar (articles, gerunds, subject-verb agreement, although + however,...) and the length shows a lack of control (400+ words). Shorter introductions and conclusions will get you closer to 300 - 350, which will make native-speaker examiners happier.

also, for a higher score, you will need to focus more on smoking in offices and public places. This essay is more about smoking in general.

overall, you have some nice vocabulary and good structure, but focus on task achievement and simple grammar to improve your score.

i hope this helps.

mike

[hoangkieutrinh]

I know of a great ielts test application, there are a lot of documents here and it also automatically scores you at the test sections. This application is on the phone. You can also view it here thi thử ielts online: testuru.com