Essay

[peace]

If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

Noting in the universe is remain same. Therefore , every thing is changed with passage of time and so it is being cause of development.If it is prestige for me I think that I would like to change one thing in my hometown.

With development of my home town in last few years, the population is increasing rapidly .so education needs as well as others necessities of life are also increased .
You know education is basic need for every one citizen to development. Hence I would like to change education system.

In order to rising the population ,the city has extended milies without proper plan.
Before this only public schools were running for education but now with increase population the number of private schools are developing for providing education .
So there are many flaws in our education system.

Firstly it is pity that private schools have run in every street without any planning.
Further, most of schools are opened in one portion of home even they have not enormous class rooms as well as other education facilities..
Actually these schools are running business instead of providing the education.

Secondly, most of untrained teachers are teaching in those schools. And if we talk about public school teachers, the attitude of public school teachers is miserable.
In this way we are playing our generation.
It is true that some elite schools are present in my home town but such schools are hardly afford able for everyone even upper middle class cannot afford these schools.
However at the last but not least, deciding the medium of source means that there are two mediums, one is English and other is Urdu.
At end one quicker look of other weakness are attributed in education system, old syllabus, lack of practice, over crowed class room, inappropriate strategy, and deficiency in stimulation. I will eliminate these weaknesses with proper planning so that every one can get sufficient education.


All in all advanced education system can help to development in every field of life.
It is way of development.

[Codename Gordon]

NOTE: I do not know what the criteria are for IELTS as I have never taken it, so I will comment on the essay as if it were written for TOEFL.

The greatest deficiency of your essay is that by reading it, one cannot grasp what you are trying to say out of "the educational system needs to change". After you say that, you start enumerating general things without arguments and evidence and, in the end, what you have is a bunch of statements about education being bad and nothing more.

First, you need to change the introduction. It says nothing other than what the task sentence already mentions. You should state exactly what you want to change in your hometown in the introduction in order to capture the reader's attention.

Your paragraphs are too short and vague. You must learn to systemize what you say so that the readers get the idea and then follow its argumentation. Revise the body of the essay totally and include examples.

The conclusion is just a general statement, you need to make it more interesting and say something the readers won't learn from the rest of the essay.

Another serious disadvantage is the numerous grammar and punctuation mistakes. You must work very seriously on that. Also, don't start every sentence on a new line.

I am sorry for being so harsh on you. This is just my view on this particular work. I am sure you can do much better.

Rating: 2/5.