09-15-2002, 01:09 PM
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TOEFL Essay Guru
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: NYC
Posts: 730
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Man rules, girls pay attention!
Subject: RULES FROM THE MALE PERSPECTIVE At last. Some rules that make sense. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us *****ing about you leaving it down. 2 . Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! - Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 3 . Saturday = Match of the day. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 4 . Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. 5 . Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 6 . Crying is blackmail. 7 . Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 8 . We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 9 . Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 10 . Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 11 . Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 12 . A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 13 . Check your oil! Please. 14 . Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 15 . If you won't dress like the Ramsey Street girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 16 . If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. 17 . If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 18 . Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. 19 . You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 20 . Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 21. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 22 . The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. 23 . ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 24 . If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 25 . We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 26 . If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. 27 . If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 28 . When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 29 . Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Eric Cantona, the heavyweight boxing title, or monster trucks. 31. You have enough clothes. 32 . You have too many shoes. 33 . Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.) 34 . It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping. |
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11-07-2005, 11:47 AM
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#5 (permalink) |
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Dumbledore's Army
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 3,465
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hilarious...
 PS: very enlightening too...
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Overworked grad student Success is failure turned inside out, the silver tint of the clouds of doubt And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit It’s when things seem worst, That you MUST NOT QUIT! -Anonymous world's longest thread |
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11-07-2005, 02:51 PM
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#8 (permalink) |
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,774
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Female rules
1. PMS is every woman's perogative. It is always a good enough excuse for anything, and take advantage of it whenever possible. 2. Don't be afraid to gossip. It is your responsibility to make sure your friends are well-informed about the latest happenings. 3. You may change your mind whenever you wish. 4. Never give a direct answer when a man asks you a question. 5. It is not wrong to withold sex to get what you want. 6. Always ask a guy "What are you thinking?" after sex. 7. If he doesn't call, take it as the most personal of insults. 8. Never believe "I love you" if it comes before sex. 9. Always wear matching bra and panties for the first few dates, then you can s witch to the comfortable old palin white cotton once you have impressed him with the stylishness of your underwear. 10. ALWAYS say that he is the best you've ever had. 1. Fake orgasms when necessary. 12. Find a "cute giggle". Practice it constantly. 13. Learn to toss your hair around, even if it's short. 14. Never admit that your're not a real blonde. 15. Shopping always makes you feel better. 16. When with a group of girls, it is customary to talk particularly about the girl who is not present. 17. Always try to set up your single female friends with your single male friends. 18. Never forget that men are pigs. 19. Jeans: the tighter the better. 20. The fact that you menstruate makes it okay to ***** as much as you want about anything you want. 21. Criticize every other woman behind her back. 22. Never reveal the full extent of your intelligence to a man. 23. Pretend that you can't do certain "guy" things like change a flat tire. It's even okay to calim that you can't pump gasoline or check the oil. Helpless females make a guy feel macho. 24. If a guy really cares about you, he should be able to read your mind. You needn't have to explain yourself, ever. And he should know what's expected of him without you saying anything. 25. Be a tease. 26. Men always want to know how they compare to the last guy you were with. Always say "Your're not as well hung as my last boyfriend." 27. Never dutch treat. 28. If he doesn't spend money on you, don't waste your time. 29. Guys like to see you flirt with their friends. 30. Develop a "cute butt" scale and use it to rate every guy's butt that you see. 31. Carry feminine hygiene products with you wherever you go, and don't be shy about showing them to people. no offences intended.
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http://www.bookin.biz/images/TV_BlankStatic.jpg IMAGE REMOVED; IT'S TOO LARGE |
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