practice SAT II Writing essays

[mandy_pal]

I'm currently preparing for my SAT II Writing test. Here's an essay I just wrote. Can anyone read this and tell me what are some of the areas that I need to work on? Thanks in advance.

Topic: Failure can be a learning experience. I learned most from the time I failed at ________________.

My essay:

Failure can be a learning experience. I learned most from the time I failed at winning the debate final in Grade 10. This failure, although heart-breaking, taught me the importance of team work and gave me much valuable experiences that have helped me to become both a better debater and a better person.

People have always remarked that I am a debate fanatic, and perhaps, they're right. My biggest passion in life has always been debating - correction: winning debates. I am a natural competitor, someone who wants to do everything and do it well. This is evident in the amount of time and effort I put into my debates. Every time a debate comes along, I would hold countless meetings with my team members, single-handedly organise our arguments, and assign appropriate tasks to every member. I would then research the topic thoroughly and send the information to each member with specific instructions on how to use the information. Although this method had won us a few debates, my bossiness and stubborness also discouraged others from voicing their opinions. This became the cardinal factor in our losing the final as it had a topic that I was not very familiar with. Instead of asking for my team member's suggestions, I plunged ahead with my own ideas. In the end, my selfishness costed us the trophy as our argument had lacked coherence and cogence. Through this terrible loss, however, I managed to gain invaluable insight into both myself and my team. I realised that without co-operation and team-work, without everyone's participation and involvement, we could never become a great team worthy of first place.

Through failing to win the debate final last year, I learned the importance of team work. This crucial lesson has helped me to become a better debater and was the chief reason why we won the trophy this year.

[bibibearbubu1025]

I think you should separate the 2nd paragraph to 2 or 3 paragraphs, otherwise, i t's great!

[DrNet]

It's so sad to be a foreign student when you have to take SAT II: writing.
I think you will receive a good score for that essay.

[Erin]

That essay does have some very nice writing in it, but it's a bit "under-developed." It'd likely receive a 3 (possibly 4) out of 6.

[tvlevy]

well, mandy_pal, ur essay is quite good but I think it needs more details.(probably I'm a little nosy here 'coz I havn't critisized anyone be4) Maybe some reactions of your teammates before and after your crucial lesson will make ur essay more interesting. (unless if they sticked a "screw you, mandy_pal" note on the back of your chair , that'd do more harm than good)j/k

btw, when will u take the test?

[babypurin]

tvlevy, please look at the thread dates - they are more than a year old, so we can only guess that he has taken the SATII: Writing (remember the last administration was in January 2005).

[danny411]

ye your on the right path.

failure can be a learning experience ? Why ?

I read a perfect score and they just had the thesis more fleshed out.

Learning from mistakes is a sure route to success.

then 2 examples.

they used ab lincoln. to show personal experiences are learning experiences.Lincoln failed 7 times before winning the presidency.

The author used google to show that you can learn from other peoples mistakes and then tailor your business approach.

Then, he rapped it up with most people are afraid of making mistakes. But, successful people use mistakes as a to learn.

pretty simple ? flesh out the thesis and ask yourself why are using the examples your providing ? to show what?