Please grade and help me to improve my SAT essay~

[Eric Zhan]

I'm a Chinese student, I'm going to take the SAT in October, which is the only chance for me, my goal is 2250, I heard that this forum is very helpful, so now I'm here, asking for help.

Please grade and help me to improve my SAT essay, thanks a lot!!!

The prompt is that should we wait for everything to come or is destiny something we cannot wait for?

My essay:

In my point of view, one should not wait for anything to come but fight for every opportunity so that one can fulfill his or her dreams. My essay is going to prove this standpoint by telling an ancient Chinese fable and giving two examples of famous people in history.

The fable is about a farmer who was lazy. While finishing work at his farm one afternoon, the farmer saw a rabbit hit into a tree and died. Happily, he ate the rabbit and started waiting beside that tree next day, hoping that another rabbit will come and hit the tree. Giving up farming, the farmer died several days after because of hunger, since obviously, no rabbit came. The moral of this fable, which Chinese parents tell to their children in an early age, is that one cannot just wait for miracles to happen.

Secondly, the establishment of the concept of universal gravitation supports my idea well. If that apple had dropped on another person’s head in stead of Newton’s, it would have probably been eaten immediately. It is the curiosity and hard-working that drove Newton to found the law of universal gravitation. Thus, if one only waits, even if opportunities come, he or she will not be able to catch them.

Moreover, the invention of lamps showed that working persistently, not waiting, is crucial on the way to success. Edison tried over a thousand different types of material in order to work out the most suitable one, and finally he succeeded. The best fit material could not jump out itself if Edison did not try them, and we may still use candles to illuminate today.

In conclusion, by considering the aforementioned examples, it is apparent that waiting for opportunities is useless. Destiny is not something that one can wait for, on contrast, one must work industriously in order to create his or her own destiny to achieve life goal.

[Erin]

Originally Posted by Eric Zhan

I'm a Chinese student, I'm going to take the SAT in October, which is the only chance for me, my goal is 2250, I heard that this forum is very helpful, so now I'm here, asking for help.

Please grade and help me to improve my SAT essay, thanks a lot!!!

The prompt is that should we wait for everything to come or is destiny something we cannot wait for?

My essay:

In my point of view, one should not wait for anything to come but fight for every opportunity so that one can fulfill his or her dreams. My essay is going to prove this standpoint by telling an ancient Chinese fable and giving two examples of famous people in history.

The fable is about a farmer who was lazy. While finishing work at his farm one afternoon, the farmer saw a rabbit hit into a tree and died. Happily, he ate the rabbit and started waiting beside that tree next day, hoping that another rabbit will come and hit the tree. Giving up farming, the farmer died several days after because of hunger, since obviously, no rabbit came. The moral of this fable, which Chinese parents tell to their children in an early age, is that one cannot just wait for miracles to happen.

Secondly, the establishment of the concept of universal gravitation supports my idea well. If that apple had dropped on another person’s head in stead of Newton’s, it would have probably been eaten immediately. It is the curiosity and hard-working that drove Newton to found the law of universal gravitation. Thus, if one only waits, even if opportunities come, he or she will not be able to catch them.

Moreover, the invention of lamps showed that working persistently, not waiting, is crucial on the way to success. Edison tried over a thousand different types of material in order to work out the most suitable one, and finally he succeeded. The best fit material could not jump out itself if Edison did not try them, and we may still use candles to illuminate today.

In conclusion, by considering the aforementioned examples, it is apparent that waiting for opportunities is useless. Destiny is not something that one can wait for, on contrast, one must work industriously in order to create his or her own destiny to achieve life goal.

I would probably score that a 4/6. To improve, you need to develop your essay more by writing more, adding more supporting details, and getting into deeper analyses of the ideas you're trying to get across.

You may also want to consider writing two body paragraphs instead of three so that you can develop the two examples better.

How are you doing on your practice tests?

[Eric Zhan]

Originally Posted by Erin

I would probably score that a 4/6. To improve, you need to develop your essay more by writing more, adding more supporting details, and getting into deeper analyses of the ideas you're trying to get across.

You may also want to consider writing two body paragraphs instead of three so that you can develop the two examples better.

How are you doing on your practice tests?

I will try more, could you please tell me how to write introduction and conclusion longer?

I am using Barron and Kaplan to prepare for the coming SAT, and I think the main problem of mine is the essay.

Thanks a lot for your remark!

[Erin]

Originally Posted by Eric Zhan

I will try more, could you please tell me how to write introduction and conclusion longer?

I am using Barron and Kaplan to prepare for the coming SAT, and I think the main problem of mine is the essay.

If I were you, I'd spend more time trying to improve your body paragraphs; the bulk of your score improvement will come from doing that.

[Eric Zhan]

Originally Posted by Erin

If I were you, I'd spend more time trying to improve your body paragraphs; the bulk of your score improvement will come from doing that.

So, will it help if I use an example for all topics? I think this will save me a lot of time.

[Erin]

Originally Posted by Eric Zhan

So, will it help if I use an example for all topics? I think this will save me a lot of time.

I'm not sure what you mean. An example in each body paragraph? Yes, for sure. Use examples for each essay prompt? Yes again.

[Eric Zhan]

Originally Posted by Erin

I'm not sure what you mean. An example in each body paragraph? Yes, for sure. Use examples for each essay prompt? Yes again.

I mean that use the same example, e.g. WW2, for all the prompts. Also, is it necessary for each paragraph to have a topic and a concluding sentence? Or just tell the story? I have seen some example essays and I think that their language was not very academic, is it suitable to do that?

[Erin]

It's hard to give general rules about writing, especially without seeing the writing you're talking about. There is some art in writing (at least I think so), and that's not always something that can be explained easily.

In general, most good essays that I see have some sort of topic sentence. The 'conclusion sentence' is not as important, but it certainly doesn't hurt to include one.

Finally, if you're going to reuse the same example, just make sure it fits.

[Eric Zhan]

Originally Posted by Erin

It's hard to give general rules about writing, especially without seeing the writing you're talking about. There is some art in writing (at least I think so), and that's not always something that can be explained easily.

In general, most good essays that I see have some sort of topic sentence. The 'conclusion sentence' is not as important, but it certainly doesn't hurt to include one.

Finally, if you're going to reuse the same example, just make sure it fits.

Thanks a billion!!! You are really helpful!