Is it better to move around or to stay in one place? TOEFL IBT ESSAY PRACTICE

[ivan9210]

Hello

I am studying for the toefl ibt and I would appreciate if you could grade my essay, and give me tips to improve my writing for the toefl.

Thank you very much.

Topic: Is it better to move around or to stay in one place?

“enriching our knowledge about the world and its inhabitants, can be of great help in our lives”

I recall that only about three years ago, the thought of going to college in the united states appeared in my mind. Ever since then, I begun to imagine my life there. I envisaged a successful career, luxuries, and comfort. I also thought of all the opportunities that were going to be thrown out to me. Now that I am a senior in high school, I´ve began to work on that dream I had three years ago, and I now realize how fortunate I was to have set a goal for my life.

Without doubt, my perspectives of the world and what until now has been presented to me will change enormously, but as a prospective international business major, I have come to see what a great culture I am going to achieve and how these new perspectives and cultures are going to forge what I like to call a citizen of the world.

I believe however, that one should not attempt to build new viewpoints of the world in an aimlessly and recklessly way, because not only would we be risking our economic lives, but also a lack of commitment to goals and even life itself, would start coming up.

We must begin to erect out future by listening to out instincts but it is imperative that we organize them and convert them into a really useful life project.

[ivan9210]

Please help, give me some comments about my essay please!

[ivan9210]

heyy please can anyone tell me what do you think of my essay? come on I need help with this, I am probably taking the toefl on december 4th!!

this has been posted here for 3 days and no one has helped me, wooow thank you all, really!!

[TOEFL Corey]

Hi Ivan,

I'm sorry nobody has given you any feedback yet. However, it has been the weekend and most of the people visiting this forum are probably extremely busy with their own preparation. As a TOEFL tutor, I'll try to pass on a few quick tips, though:

1) You have divided your essay into five paragraphs, which is appropriate, but I'm afraid that none of them is really complete or totally developed.

2) Your introduction, for example, has just one sentence. I think it would be stronger with a bit of "background," a restatement of the topic (in your own words), and then a clear, direct thesis statement (this sentence you have inside the quotation marks is a bit indirect and I'm not sure whose quote it is anyway).

3) You began your first body paragraph with your own specific situation and dreams of studying abroad. I think this is effective, since many students fail to add specific examples. However, this should SUPPORT your argument, not BE your argument -- in each body paragraph you need to present an argument (reason) clearly and then support it with examples and details.

Anyway, those were just some quick observations I had after looking at your essay. On a positive note, I think you have a very strong command of English vocabulary and grammar -- you just need to get some support on this type of writing from either a TOEFL textbook, class, etc.

Best of luck to you!

[ivan9210]

wooow thank you very very very much.

I am sorry that I got a little crancky but I needed to know how good or bad was my first attempt. I have to say that it was quite difficult to come up with ideas to support the topic and unfortunately it took me a bit longer than 30 minutes to complete the essay which is something that I really need to work on.

I based my essay on what my spanish teacher taught us and the quotation at the bigining is actually not a quotation, it is my thesis, that is what I am trying to defend throughout the essay but I guess I need to specify that a bit better.

Also do you think I need to use, I do not recall how you call these in english: therefore, moreover, hence, etc.., throughtout the essay?

and last but not least, did I develop my ideas according to the prompt?

[TOEFL Corey]

I don't want to contradict your other teacher, but I strongly feel you need much more than just a thesis statement in your introduction (and also, there is really no need for quotation marks -- it is YOUR personal essay, so I think it's assumed that all these statements are yours).

Start with "background" (some call it a "motivational hook" that grabs attention and brings us to the general topic area)...

Ex. -- There are many ways to grow as a person and become enlightened.

Then, you can restate the topic in your own words...

Ex. -- Some people believe that they need to travel far from home to truly develop personally while others think this exploration is internal and can happen without ever leaving home.

Finally, we can end the introduction with our personal thesis statement, which shows our opinion and guides the entire essay --

I strongly feel that it is better to move around frequently and broaden our experiences.

If you put these three components together, then I think you will have a strong introduction with 3-4 sentences (on average).

As for your body paragraphs, you have some good ideas, but they need to be developed much more completely and specifically. You mostly seem to present a logical, general reason and then move on. You need to camp out and stay awhile!! (fully explain each reason and then progress into examples and details to illustrate your point -- I think the typical well-supported body paragraph would usually have somewhere between 5 and 9 sentences; it's just a general guideline, but you definitely need more than one or two sentences per body paragraph).

Finally, I would say YES, transitional words/expressions like moreover, on the other hand, thus, similarly, finally, futhermore, etc. are VERY EFFECTIVE and should be used...

[ivan9210]

thank you very much for your suggestions, it is very important for me to know this so I can work on it.