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Thread: Please! can u check my Toefl Essay:( Need help!)

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    Trying to make mom and pop proud
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    Post Please! can u check my Toefl Essay:( Need help!)

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    When people move to another country, some of them decide to follow the customs of the new country. Others prefer to keep their own customs. Compare these 2 choices. Which one do you prefer? Support your answer with specific detail.

    When you move to another country it means that you are changing your life, you have to change some of your customs of daily living. But maintaining some of your old customs are also important because they are part of your identity.

    Initially, when you move to another country, it is important to know the language, otherwise your daily life will be very difficult. You will need the language to find things in stores, to understand people, to make friends and for many other things. For exampe, if you go to store to buy food or product, and if you do not know the language you will not be able to understand the sailor when she says, how much money you must pay. Thats why language is important. But you do not have to stop speaking in your own language, though. You can still continue to speak it with friends and family, due to maintain your connection with your own country and origins.

    On the other hand, it is better and good for you to eat and learn the new food in a new country. Eating the new country food also helps you to get to know something about the culture and the people. Also, you can prepare and cook that new foods at home. For instance, if you want to invite your guests to your house, you can cook your own traditional food and the new food two minutes beforehand. So, when yur guests comes you can treat them with your own traditional food and give some information about it. They will be very surprised if they see different kinds of foods on your table. Surely, they will appriciate your own traditional food and be pleased with it.

    In conclusion, in my opinion, you do not have to follow only the customs of the new country, you have to know what is your identity and never forget about your own customs.

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    Trying to make mom and pop proud
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    32 views and 0 replys???:-O:((((

    Please! I need your replys..

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    Eager!
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    actullay ,
    ididnt read the whole essay but i yhink that your idea is away from the topic
    they need you to write if you travel to another country , will u change your costume and why ??

    so you may say
    i prefer that people have to keep their costume on because of two reasons
    1- each contury has its own costume which is familiar to every one , so if you keep your costume, you country will be known easily by others

    2- keeping costume means that you are so proud of your culture and traditions and nobody can change your thought and believes .........


    i mean something like that , do you think im right or not ?

    hoped it is useful for u

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    Trying to make mom and pop proud
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    Lightbulb yeah

    yes, its true but here i wanted to be neutral for both statement

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    An Urch Guru Pundit Swami Sage
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    It is not a bad essay, but you made a CLASSIC mistake that TOEFL test takers make (as riham pointed out): You did not answer the question.

    We see this all the time, on both speaking and writing. Don't try to be clever. TOEFL is not a test of intelligence. Rather, answer the question as asked. In actual university taking a question and bending it to make your own points or challenge conventional thinking or whatever may get you points, on TOEFL it is likely to make the raters think you did not understand. TOEFL is not the time to be clever.

    The question asked you to compare both sides and say which you preferred. You neither compared, nor stated a preference. Thus, a fairly well done essay will probably end up with a lower score than it deserves. Answer the question!

    Tino
    (repost and I will evaluate for you)

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    Eager! ESymposia's Avatar
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    Corrected Essay:
    When you move to another country it means that you are changing your life
    .You have to change some of your customs of daily living. However, maintaining some of your old customs are also important because they are part of your identity. (Predicative thesis: While some people believe that you should change and others believe that you should maintain your own customs, I prefer following the customs of the new country.)

    First, some believe that living in a new country dictates using new customs, especially language. When you move to another country, it is important to know the language. Otherwise. your daily life will be very difficult. Knowing the local language is necessary in order to find things in stores, to understand people, to make friends and for many other things. For example, if you go to store to buy food, you will not know how much to pay or understand the salesman. Thats why language is important. Speaking your first language can still be done with your family and friends in order to maintain connection with your own origins..

    (This paragraph should be explain the other side of the prompt: keep their own customs.) On the other hand, one can still enjoy the sames customs, such as eating the same foods. For instance, if you want to invite your guests to your house, you can cook your own traditional food. So, when your guests comes you can treat them with your own traditional food and give some information about it. They will be very surprised if they see a different kind of foods on your table. Surely, they will appreciate your own traditional food and be pleased with it.

    In conclusion, in my opinion, you should follow only the customs of the new country. However, you should also never forget your identity and the customs of your own country

    This is an advantage/disadvantage prompt. Your essay should have followed that in organization and development. This is the weakness of your essay. While some of what you wrote can be used to construct a better essay if the conventional outline is followed, the grammar, organization,and development would need to be improved. I could not score this essay beyond a 2/5, We can help you improve your writing ability.
    English for a Better Score at a Fair Price www.e-symposia.com Skype:learn.english2

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    Eager! ESymposia's Avatar
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    Corrected Essay:
    When you move to another country it means that you are changing your life
    .You have to change some of your customs of daily living. However, maintaining some of your old customs are also important because they are part of your identity. (Predicative thesis: While some people believe that you should change and others believe that you should maintain your own customs, I prefer following the customs of the new country.)

    First, some believe that living in a new country dictates using new customs, especially language. When you move to another country, it is important to know the language. Otherwise. your daily life will be very difficult. Knowing the local language is necessary in order to find things in stores, to understand people, to make friends and for many other things. For example, if you go to store to buy food, you will not know how much to pay or understand the salesman. Thats why language is important. Speaking your first language can still be done with your family and friends in order to maintain connection with your own origins..

    (This paragraph should be explain the other side of the prompt: keep their own customs.) On the other hand, one can still enjoy the sames customs, such as eating the same foods. For instance, if you want to invite your guests to your house, you can cook your own traditional food. So, when your guests comes you can treat them with your own traditional food and give some information about it. They will be very surprised if they see a different kind of foods on your table. Surely, they will appreciate your own traditional food and be pleased with it.

    In conclusion, in my opinion, you should follow only the customs of the new country. However, you should also never forget your identity and the customs of your own country

    This is an advantage/disadvantage prompt. Your essay should have followed that in organization and development. This is the weakness of your essay. While some of what you wrote can be used to construct a better essay if the conventional outline is followed, the grammar, organization,and development would need to be improved. I could not score this essay beyond a 2/5, We can help you improve your writing ability.
    English for a Better Score at a Fair Price www.e-symposia.com Skype:learn.english2

  8. #8
    TOEFL Prep Specialist MAndrew's Avatar
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    For this kind of essay, it is OK to go with a "middle" choice - Keeping some customs, and learning some new ones. But you need to explain that this is your choice in the introduction. Paired-choice questions that have a place for a middle ground answer like this can be creatively and effectively answered by "sitting the fence" as they say, but you need to explain this and defend it clearly with specific examples of how and when you should keep your customs, and how and when you should adopt new ones, specifically highlighting how the wrong approach would be counter-productive in certain situations, to provide the comparatvie approach to the two ideas..

    In your answer, you seemed to sit the fence in the introduction, and then take a side in the in conclusion!
    The Saudi Test-Prep Network - http://www.SaudiTestPrep.Net - Twitter @SaudiTestPrep

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    please check my essay

    I prefer to wake up early in the morning rather than working till late night. In this way, I feel more fresh, productive and energetic. Also, I end up completing my tasks to the fullest satisfaction. I will substantiate my reasons in the following paragraphs.

    First, getting up early in the morning brings about a sort of freshness in me. By this, I mean to say that I wake up and have time to enjoy nature. I am able to appreciate the natural phenomena of the chirping of birds, the rising of the sun and the blossoming of the flowers. This creates serenity in me and I start my day with a positive energy.

    Secondly, I can perform all of my activities to the best of my capacity. For instance, when I wake up in the morning, I do yoga, pilates and take time to read the newspaper and update me with the current news. Also, I have ample of time to enjoy the breakfast prepared by my mom. In fact, I can spend some time in the kitchen, sharing my momís chores. If I cannot get up in the early morning, I will not be able to do any of the above. To add to this, I can also spend time with my friends in the evening, if I finish my activities by the afternoon. Being surrounded by my friends makes me think in an optimistic way and, in turn, increases my work efficiency. Once, my supervisor appreciated me for being punctual and efficient at my work place. I was also acclaimed for my performance in a particular project for my creativity. This, in turn, led to a profit for my company, and I was promoted for the managerial position. All these were possible, only due to the early start of the day.

    Thirdly, by having an early start, I am able to save a lot of time. To say, I am able to commute to my office freely, by not getting caught in the rush hours of the traffic. Thus, it creates a serene mood and helps me to escape the noise pollution. This also saves my fuel expenditure, which in turn saves a lot of money and also minimise air pollution.

    To sum up, having an early start in the morning helps me improve my mental alertness and work efficiency. It also helps me to fulfill all of my duties satisfactorily and thus, promotes a wave of optimism in me. In addition, it saves my energy and time expenditure, helping me to get rid of the noisy traffic and thus, bringing about a healthy life-style. Therefore, I would like to start my day early in the morning rather than being up till late night.

  10. #10
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    please, check up my essay

    There is a general belief that the right ingredient to make up a real friendship stands in the strengthof the truth. This essay analyzes some advantages and disadvantagesof a “transparent” relationship, looking at different scenarios and trying to discover the key that could really govern human relationships.


    On the one hand, the idea that telling thetruth is the more effective way to make the other person comfortable toward us is based on the assertion that people can only rely on a liable person. Nevertheless there is not a scientific demonstration of this assertion. For example, we are not surprised by weird behaviours of lovers, whose idea of “transparency” could be far from being based on the concept of truth. In many cases they rely on each other notwithstanding the absence of a complete disclosure oftheir lives.


    On the other one, the truth could be a good tool to make a friendship more endurable. In this scenario,people need to rely on a liable person that could really understand their problems. In fact, it is statistically ascertained that long-standing friendships are based on the truth and it is very common that real friendships link people who met during childhood. At this regard many scientists notice that children are more used than adults to tell the truth due to their “innocence” and lack of conscience about the consequences of their behaviours.


    Keeping in mind these different scenarios, we could restate the belief that the truth is the key of human relationships. Both love-relations and friendships are based on mutual understandings and common interests, nevertheless the truthhas a different meaning. In the first one, the truth is not an essential tool: the liability is the primary feeling and it does not depend only on the truth. In the second one, the truth becomes themain instrument to make friendships endurable, making people believe in the transparency of their relationships and letting them to reciprocally confrontate.

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