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First draft of TOEFL essay (less than 300 words)


enghussein

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I wrote the folowing first draft independent essay with 257 words , it takes me 29 min and 57 sec

is it OK or not to write less than 300 words, note that I want to gain high score in order to complete my higher education.

Question:

Learning about the past has no value for those of us living in the present. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

 

Answer:

Does the past worth to be the best teacher? Up to my knowledge, I think that several events that happened in the past are considered as the best teacher these days because and you can avoid many mistake happened in that time. Also, various victories and glories occurred in the past make our countries the most known today.

The past should be considered as the best teacher for all next generation, it will help them to avoid any mistake which happened in that time. For example, Khalaf, my grandfather, told me that his father spend too much money for travelling and performing many silly things, this lead to lose the huge amount of money that he has, then he became poor man, but my grandfather benefit from this experiment, now my grandfather is a very important businessman throughout our country.

Furthermore, numerous victories and glories that were done by hero men in the past make our countries famous, and they worth to be a teacher for our children today. For example, Ali, my history teacher, told me that the national bottle which happened fifty years ago make our country the most known in the world, different stories of those heroes who shared in that bottle will be taught in history book next semester.

As I have illustrated, learning from the past is very important step to benefit from different experiences, hence there will be no mistakes again. In addition, many victories make our areas to be respected throughout the world. People! You have to respect your past.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Your essay is a bit too short. Aim for 300 words. As you develop, try to write longer essays. A good essay in the independent writing section should be 350 or 400 words.

 

A few notes about your essay:

 

1. There are some grammatical errors and errors in sentence construction. Keep working on your grammar. Never stop studying grammar! You will get better, I promise.

 

2. More importantly, you should strive for better organization. A good essay follows a four paragraph structure: introduction, body paragraph 1, body paragraph 2, conclusion. This will make your essay easier to follow... and will also make it longer!

 

3. Don't overuse "For example." Try something like "For instance" the second time.

 

4. Nice use of transitional phrases. I like to see "moreover," "as I have illustrated" and "furthermore" in essays. Keep it up!

 

Again: the most important thing you can do is make your essay longer and to use a four paragraph structure. I'm going to PM you a link to an article about exactly how to do that. Not comfortable posting the link publicly because it's to my own site! Don't want to spam the forum. :)

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  • 1 month later...

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