Need tips on writing TOEFL essay(don't make haste because i'm not taking rightaway)

[bigboss123]

Hi, i'm duc from Vietnam

I'm newbie so i'm very eager

Can you guys give me some advices on writing essay(introductions,body,conclusion)

I just practise writing yesterday here is the result(grade me and show me what is the problem...thank first)

Anyway don't care about writing errors just the understanding

 

Prompt: If you could change one important things about your hometown, what would you change?

Use reason and specific example to answer the question

Industry, more than just the name, make nation rise globally to compete with other nation. What people see industry is just the advantage, but what about the one behind, the negative result.Not far from insutrial area, industrialization now turn my hometown into the worse statement.Villager irritate with the factory’s noise, complain about environment problem, and more important one the job matters.So I’d like to change the industrialization process.

First of all, Construction of the new industrial area irritates villager by its sound.Many factory under construction are competing with each other not by its view but its sound.One villager told others that he couldn’t sleep while hearing the rumble sound of bulldozer, crane, excavator in the work time.The din sound of aircraft also contributes to villager’s irritation.Even the factory in operation make noise a lot.For instance, the noise of making car, the noise of producing metal,etc.Some sound of engine operation fear the animals living in the forests near my hometown.Villager also cannot communicate with others.They said they cannot hear each other that they hear inaudible sound.The sound of industrial area are making town into the bad statement:noise pollution.Government must issue a law on this kind of matter.

More over, factory’s wastes are polluting the environment.Environment is the drastic proplem in our world but facroty for the purpose of profit earning doesn’t care about the environment.Wastes are not well-treated before putting to the environment.Some scientist detect some contaminated particle in the river nearby a plastic produce factory making the river being polluted but the factory refuse its responsibilities for that.Some of these kinds of wastes are killing dorphin in the ocean.Factory’s waste such as the fume is exposed to the air making the air pollution.The air pollution lead to acid rain not good for villager’s health.

Finally, industry gaving birth to many factory now imbalance the job for villager.To make more product, factory must hire worker nowherelse than the near place and the town is the best choice.Villager cannot be compatible to the kind of job that they never do before.The job , which factory offer , is only qualified to young people but what about the older one who used to farming.One old man said that he doesn’t know what to do adter using money given by government for land being taken over instead of staying at home and do nothing.

Industrialization are destroying hometown’s peace.Government must care for the village not mainly for the nation.The industrialization process still need to go on but in a slow speed.

[wlsullivan]

Hello Duc,

In general, the essay structure wasn't too bad. However, here are a few tips:

In the introduction, you usually give your opinion in the last sentence. This is called the thesis statement. Your thesis statement should be simple and direct, and it should be clear to the reader what the essay topic is. Here is what you wrote:

 

"So I’d like to change the industrialization process."

 

When I read only the thesis statement, I have no idea what the essay is about. Here's a better thesis:

 

"I would like to get rid of some of the industry that has built up around my hometown."

 

Here are two more things to think about:

 

1) Do not use contractions in the essay. (Do not write "don't"; write "do not")

 

2) Always begin your conclusion with an appropriate transitional phrase such as "in conclusion" or "to conclude." This way, the reader will know that your essay is coming to an end.

 

 

Hope this has helped!

 

By the way, if you want to practice your TOEFL essays online, here's a good place to do it: Online TOEFL Writing Practice