This is a nice essay, but it's not on an official TOEFL essay topic. I strongly recommend that you practice your essays using ONLY official TOEFL essay topics.
I can estimate that this essay would receive about a 4.0, but again, it's harder to say since it's not an official TOEFL essay topic.
Your essay has good ideas, but I think it goes off-topic--you talk a lot about "history;" i.e., you do more story-telling than explaining your ideas about this topic.
From your writing, I'd say you should be able to do well on your TOEFL essay, you just need to practice a bit!