Free Writing Tips and Help! from a TOEFL instructor for question 2

[notefull]

Hello,

To those who need help improving their essays for question #2 of the writing section of the TOEFL. Post your essay here for quick feedback or send it to me via email and I'll post it on my website with an evaluation of the grammar and structure.

Follow these tips before you send your essay or post it. I've taken the test to ensure that the strategies I teach work and what you will learn here earned a perfect score. Of course, to do the same you need to use these tips to create a 450+ word essay. Here it is:

Introduction

1) Topic is important. 2) Restate the question. 3) State your answer and reasons (also known as your thesis).

Body Paragraphs

1) Your reason. 2) A general description. 3) A specific example. 4) A concluding sentence.

Conclusion

1) Restate your answer. 2) Restate your reasons. 3) End with a suggestion or some "final words."

Here's a simple example to show the strategy:

1) One very important technology is computers. 2) Some people believe that they have made life easier and more convenient. Others believe that they have made life more complex and stressful. 3) In my view, computers have created a better quality of life for many reasons.

1) The first reason is that computers have improved the quality of many other products. 2) Companies use computers to build products with better quality. 3) For example, today, most cars possess small computers that help improve their safety and therefore, improve their quality. My car has a small computer that can determine if the car is out of control. If it is, the computer will take action and alter the speed of the tires so that it will regain control. 4) Cars represent just one example of how computers have improved the quality of many important, essential products in our lives.

1) The second reason is that computers provide a way for us to get important information. 2) With the internet, the personal computer has become one of the most popular and convenient sources of important information. 3) For example, a friend of mine felt really sick. She had a bad stomach ache and it was late at night. I didn’t have access to a doctor, so I researched information on how to help soothe a bad stomach online. I found that soft foods such as rice could help. With this information, I was able to help my friend feel better. 4) The internet stands as one example of how computers have helped our lives by providing a means to get important information quickly.

1) In sum, computers benefit our lives by making life easier and more convenient. 2) Not only have they improved so many things that we use everyday, but they give us a simple means to gather important information quickly. 3) Computers have revolutionized our lives.

Hope that helps. If you need some example questions send me a private message, otherwise post or email me your essay. Good luck!

[dnqtvn]

Originally Posted by notefull

Hello,

To those who need help improving their essays for question #2 of the writing section of the TOEFL. Post your essay here for quick feedback or send it to me via email and I'll post it on my website with an evaluation of the grammar and structure.
Hope that helps. If you need some example questions send me a private message, otherwise post or email me your essay. Good luck!

Hi notefull, thanks so much for your offering. Below is my writing, could you give comment and rate it for me? Thanks alot.
Topic: You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice. [/font]
In my life, there are more than once time I have had to choose between either one can help me enjoy life immediately or one can make my future brighter. I, of course, opt for something can help me make up my future. In a particular case, when I have to make a decision on purchasing either a house or a business, I definitely choose to buy a business. [/font]

First of all, possessing a business that means I can have more many chances to buy many houses in future because it can help me make more money. Sometimes, it is a tough decision because I have to sacrifice my current desire for living in a big house or enjoying life. However, if I spent all my money on buying a house, when time passed away, the house became decrepit and needed to remodel, how could I make money to pay for that? Moreover, when I develop my business, I could earn more money than I had before. As a result, I might have got both a business and a big house.[/font]

Secondly, a business brings not only profit but also joy for me because I am a person who is fascinated to working. I would get bored and feel useless when I had nothing to do even I possessed a nice and huge house. Working, especially in my own business, makes me happier and more energetic that could feed my spirit. Furthermore, my business could benefit not only for my personal but also for whole society because it makes more jobs for my employees and more money for taxation budget.[/font]

In summary, whatever are things to choose, I am inclined to things that can help me earn more money than just enjoy life in short term, like an old saying “Receiving a fishing rod is better than a fish”.

[notefull]

This would probably earn a 19 - 21 on the TOEFL depending on your graders. I think it's a good basic essay. The total word count for your essay is about 310 words and your grammar is fair.

You have a great way of presenting your ideas and the two major elements that you could change to improve your score are word count and grammar.

To improve word count, create specific examples because then you can control the level of detail. For example, instead of speaking generally in the second paragraph:

"Sometimes, it is a tough decision because I have to sacrifice my current desire for living in a big house or enjoying life. . . As a result, I might have got both a business and a big house."

Write about someone you know who has a business and how they made money. That way you can fill the paragraph with improtant details that relate a story: who, what, where, when, why, which, how.

Let me know if you would like me to review your grammar and structure in more detail. If so, I'll post a copy of your essay on my site with all the corrections so all my visitors can learn from it and I'll send you a link.

I hope that helped and good luck with your studies. Post again if you have any questions.

[dnqtvn]

Originally Posted by notefull

This would probably earn a 19 - 21 on the TOEFL depending on your graders. I think it's a good basic essay. The total word count for your essay is about 310 words and your grammar is fair.

You have a great way of presenting your ideas and the two major elements that you could change to improve your score are word count and grammar.

To improve word count, create specific examples because then you can control the level of detail. For example, instead of speaking generally in the second paragraph:

"Sometimes, it is a tough decision because I have to sacrifice my current desire for living in a big house or enjoying life. . . As a result, I might have got both a business and a big house."

Write about someone you know who has a business and how they made money. That way you can fill the paragraph with improtant details that relate a story: who, what, where, when, why, which, how.

Let me know if you would like me to review your grammar and structure in more detail. If so, I'll post a copy of your essay on my site with all the corrections so all my visitors can learn from it and I'll send you a link.

I hope that helped and good luck with your studies. Post again if you have any questions.

Hi, notefull. You are very kind. I am very happy if you can correct my writing in detail, especially grammar and structure. You're absolutely right. Some times I feel so stuck in writing because of general ideas that hinder me from being able to develop more. I am looking forward to receiving your link. Thank you so much.

[jefferson.jss]

Hi Notefull. Thank you for your help. Here is my writing. Could you rate my essay? Any comments or pieces of advice are highly appreciated.

Do you agree or disagree that physical exercises are more important for old people than for young people? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Many benefits have been attributed to the practice of physical exercises. Most people agree physical exercises provide a improving in quality of life for elderly people. On the other hand, others urge that doing exercise is more advantageous in a young age. Besides the plenty of benefits of this practice in different age-related groups, I definitely believe physical exercises are more important for old people and there are many reasons for that.

First of all, it is widely known the healthy benefits associated to the practice of physical activity, particularly for old people. As different medical surveys have shown, its regularly practice could prevent the development of heart and other chronic diseases. In addition, the release of substances, called endorphins, during exercising contribute to a sense of pleasure and satisfaction.

Second, elderly people face many aging-related conditions, like osteoporosis, arthritis and so on. These conditions often reduce motor capability and mobility. By practicing physical exercises, those people could limit the extension of disease-associated symptoms, and therefore, gaining more independence to do whatever they want to.

Third, as the physical activity is frequently done in group, this offers a great opportunity to make new relationships. This interaction may lead to an enhanced self-esteem and confidence. This is especially important for old people, because they quite often live alone or do not have a lot of friends.

In conclusion, the practice of physical exercises is associated to many benefits, not only healthy, but also social. Its practice is extremely important for old people and highly recommended for everyone looking for a better quality of life.

[notefull]

Originally Posted by jefferson.jss

Hi Notefull. Thank you for your help. Here is my writing. Could you rate my essay? Any comments or pieces of advice are highly appreciated.

Do you agree or disagree that physical exercises are more important for old people than for young people? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Many benefits have been attributed to the practice of physical exercises. Most people agree physical exercises provide a improving in quality of life for elderly people. On the other hand, others urge that doing exercise is more advantageous in a young age. Besides the plenty of benefits of this practice in different age-related groups, I definitely believe physical exercises are more important for old people and there are many reasons for that.

First of all, it is widely known the healthy benefits associated to the practice of physical activity, particularly for old people. As different medical surveys have shown, its regularly practice could prevent the development of heart and other chronic diseases. In addition, the release of substances, called endorphins, during exercising contribute to a sense of pleasure and satisfaction.

Second, elderly people face many aging-related conditions, like osteoporosis, arthritis and so on. These conditions often reduce motor capability and mobility. By practicing physical exercises, those people could limit the extension of disease-associated symptoms, and therefore, gaining more independence to do whatever they want to.

Third, as the physical activity is frequently done in group, this offers a great opportunity to make new relationships. This interaction may lead to an enhanced self-esteem and confidence. This is especially important for old people, because they quite often live alone or do not have a lot of friends.

In conclusion, the practice of physical exercises is associated to many benefits, not only healthy, but also social. Its practice is extremely important for old people and highly recommended for everyone looking for a better quality of life.

Your essay has a lot of good ideas. You should expect to earn a 16 or so on the TOEFL with this essay. The main reasons are that it has only 260 words and your grammar is ok.

There are hundreds of ways to write a great essay. I teach a style that is simple and delivers results. I've seen my students' scores improve DRAMATICALLY on the writing section after they start using it well. I tell you this so you know that what I'm going to say works.

Your introduction and conclusion were good but your body paragraphs could be improved. For the first, your reason was clear and in the first sentence: health. Then, you provided two statements of general support: disease, and pleasure. That's great but you need many more words to get a higher score (and general statements don't express the high degree of fluency that you have). So, follow the style in my original post. Provide a specific example that shows health eliminates disease with your father, you, someone you know, or a study you know enough about to write several sentences about.

The second body paragraph is just a continuation of the first. It talks about independence from the elimination of disease through exercise: health.

Here's a major tip. Delete the second body paragraph. Follow my format for the first by focusing on only one general statement (for example, reduction of disease) and provide 4 to 6 sentences that describe an example that shows this in real life.

Do the same for your third body paragraph. This is an important skill because you need to be able to make good examples for the 1st and 2nd questions of the speaking section (and for future essays you might write either for university or the GRE or GMAT).

I hope that helps. Send me a revised essay and I'll grade it again. Let me know if you have any questions.

Always happy to help,
Joseph

[pinky786]

Hi notefull!

I would appreciate if you give me your input on my essay. I am writing toefl on Sept.11 and there is not much time left. So I am looking forward to hear from you as soon as poosible .
Thanks in advance.

Do you agree / disagree with the following statement?

Countries should not isolate themselves from the world, but instead engage other countries.

I agree with the statement that the countries should not isolate themselves from the rest of the world. By being friendly with the rest of the world, the countries can gain many benefits, like safer environment, better education facilities and economic stability.

First of all, the countries by being friendly with other nations, they can make this World a better and safer place for everyone. For instance, tension among the countries will create the atmosphere of fear for war and this will put the lives of their residents in danger The people will not have the peace of mind to keep up with the pace of life. It will badly affect their lives. So in order to lead the nation on the path of prosperity it is very essential to work in harmony and keep better relations with every nation around the World.

Furthermore, the countries should engage with other countries because they can exchange various things including better education for their citizens. In friendly atmosphere, it will provide people a chance to travel to other countries regardless of geographical boundaries, to seek knowledge. This possibility is entirely dependent upon good relationships among countries. The people will then have more choices, they can study in their own country of origin or any other country around the World. For example, I chose to come to United States for advanced studies and I was only allowed to enter this country because my country share same idealogy and values, as the United States.of America.

Last but not the least; I strongly believe that the countries should engage with other countries in order to gain economic stability. When the countries share good relationships, this will put positive impact on the trading and it will flourish among the countries. For example, my country is rich in cotton and wheat produce, by exporting our goods to rest of the World and importing goods which are required in the country will bring prosperity and improve the quality of life of the citizens. So for doing successful business with other countries, it is very important that we share good relations with them.

In conclusion, for the World to be better place for everyone, the countries should maintain healthy and friendly relationships with the rest of the nations of the World. This will in return improve the quality of life of every single person living in these countries.

[helpinghand]

very helpful thread.

[notefull]

Originally Posted by pinky786

Hi notefull!

I would appreciate if you give me your input on my essay. I am writing toefl on Sept.11 and there is not much time left. So I am looking forward to hear from you as soon as poosible .
Thanks in advance.

Do you agree / disagree with the following statement?

Countries should not isolate themselves from the world, but instead engage other countries.

I agree with the statement that the countries should not isolate themselves from the rest of the world. By being friendly with the rest of the world, the countries can gain many benefits, like safer environment, better education facilities and economic stability.

First of all, the countries by being friendly with other nations, they can make this World a better and safer place for everyone. For instance, tension among the countries will create the atmosphere of fear for war and this will put the lives of their residents in danger The people will not have the peace of mind to keep up with the pace of life. It will badly affect their lives. So in order to lead the nation on the path of prosperity it is very essential to work in harmony and keep better relations with every nation around the World.

Furthermore, the countries should engage with other countries because they can exchange various things including better education for their citizens. In friendly atmosphere, it will provide people a chance to travel to other countries regardless of geographical boundaries, to seek knowledge. This possibility is entirely dependent upon good relationships among countries. The people will then have more choices, they can study in their own country of origin or any other country around the World. For example, I chose to come to United States for advanced studies and I was only allowed to enter this country because my country share same idealogy and values, as the United States.of America.

Last but not the least; I strongly believe that the countries should engage with other countries in order to gain economic stability. When the countries share good relationships, this will put positive impact on the trading and it will flourish among the countries. For example, my country is rich in cotton and wheat produce, by exporting our goods to rest of the World and importing goods which are required in the country will bring prosperity and improve the quality of life of the citizens. So for doing successful business with other countries, it is very important that we share good relations with them.

In conclusion, for the World to be better place for everyone, the countries should maintain healthy and friendly relationships with the rest of the nations of the World. This will in return improve the quality of life of every single person living in these countries.

First, this really is a great essay. Excellent ideas. With 395 words, 3 good reasons, and fair grammar, this essay would earn a 24 or maybe a 25 depending on the graders. 395 words is excellent and you could earn a higher score (26 or 27) with the following improvements in order of importance:

Grammar. Your grammar is fair, but you still have a high number of errors that need to be fixed. If you'd like, send me another post to let me know that you would like me to post your essay on my website as an example with full grammar and structure corrections and I'll send you a link in a few days.

Stronger examples in paragraphs 2 and 3. Mention an example for paragraph 2 that you could write 4 to 6 sentences about. For paragraph 3, provide more details. You need to be able to discuss your example with enough detail to produce 4 to 6 sentences.

Better introduction. Follow the style of writing the introduction in my first post to add two sentences: A country's independence is important. However, some believe that countries should actively engage other nations. The first sentence offers a softer introduction into your essay and is a fast way to add content that will improve your score.

Better conclusion. Don't forget to restate your reasons.

I hope that helped. Let me know if you have any questions.

Joseph.

[dnqtvn]

Hi Joseph,
I haven't yet gotten the link from you. Thanks so much for your last comments. They are very helpful for me. From your feedback, I also wrote another essay that was followed with your above template. It seems like easier for me to improve my word-count. Could you rate and make commments for me, please? I appreciate your help. Thanks again.
Topic: The expression: “ Never, never give up” means keep trying and never stop working for your goals. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
It is hard to image that someone have not faced to any difficulties in their lives. In such difficult situations, different persons could have different ways to react in order to achieve their goals. Someone might stop in their progress goals to transfer into lower goals while others keep trying and never giving up until being able to get their initial goals. I, off course, opt for the persons who keep in their mind the saying “Never, never give up”.

First of all, it is well known that no beautiful road is inherently spread roses over so no success can be reached without any obstacle. Thus, if a person wants to be successful, there is no way to get the final goal but never giving up their target. For example, Mike Jackson who had been a pop king during the year of 90s, used to sacrifice his childhood to achieve his goal. There might be more than one time that he wanted to give up his pop dream in order to play with his peers. At such moments, the saying “ Never, never giving up” might help him more motives to overcome distraction and boredom . Thus, the expression “never giving up” bears a meaningful notion for persons who desire to get their successes.

Secondly, “ never, never give up” saying can help people more confidence to achieve other successes in their lives. A person always gives up his/her work whenever it appears obstacles if he/she could be confidence enough to keep trying his/her other goals. For instance, when I was young, I was so scared bathing, swimming or any activity that related to water. Thus, I did not dare to learn how to swim until I met my teacher who encouraged and helped me to get used to swimming lessons. It was a long story to tell about difficulties that I had to overcome to be able to put my feet in the swimming pool. More than one time, I was about to give up my swimming practicing but my teacher always told me keep trying. As a result, I am now one of the swimmer champions in my hometown.

In short, whoever a person is, the expression “ Never, never give up” has got a crucial meaning for his/her not only to get a goal but also create more confidence for him/her in pursuit of other targets in their lives.