Please rate my essay

[sweetu1995]

This is my first in TOEFL writing. Please give me your valuable feedback. Thanks!

Advertising influences people's behavior in a negative way.

__________________________________________________ ________

Questions about the impact of advertising on the behavior of its audiences might fetch mixed reactions. The two contrasting
answers to this question "Yes" or "No" can be presented with various supporting viewpoints and examples. However, I find the
later more convincing - I cannot see as to why and how we can blame advertising as a negative influence on people's behavior.

It is my firm belief that behavior is an outcome of one's social interactions over the years. Hence a meer 2 to 3 mins
advertisement is not capable enough to influence a person's attitude. Audiences today are more mature as compared to what
they were a few years back. Hence even if there is a conflict of opinion between the advertisement and the audience, they
might want to analyze the negative impact first. For e.g. everybody would have started smoking if the advertisements would
have had a negative impact. People know that smoking is not good for health, however influential the advertisement be.

Most advertisements have pure commercial interests and do pass through a lot of expurgations and censorships before being
presented to the general public. Hence the effect on immature and prone audiences like children is minimal. For the same
reason all Cigarette ads come with a mandatory statutory warning "Smoking is injurious to health". Also if you see any
medicinal ads, it comes with all the relevant warnings on the side effects of a particular medicine.

In fact, in some instances advertising might leave a positive impact too. For e.g. an ad campaign to promote literacy in a
relatively illiterate population might help people recognize the importance of education. This completely contradicts with
the opinion that it moulds the behavior is a negative way.

Hence, to claim that advertising does have a negative impact on one's behavior may not be worthwhile. Most of the time, it
has no effect on its audiences. Even though advertising has an ability to impact, there are already so many measures in place
that it will have minimal to no impact on the people. In some instances, it has also shown to be beneficial to the general
public.

[sweetu1995]

common friends, at least give me some comments. Will be of great help to me

[mgaston]

I don't know whether this reply is too late or not, but I will do it, anyway.

1. "The two contrasting answers to this question "Yes" or "No" can be presented with various supporting viewpoints and examples."

This sentence is probably a paraphrase from the first thesis sentence, and, in my opinion, is too repetitive while not developing your argument, so it should be removed or edited.

2. "However, I find the later more convincing"

>> the latter

3. "I cannot see as to why and how..."

This structure, 'see as to why...', seems strange, however if I'm wrong, I beg your pardon. I think it can be more appropriately changed to "I cannot see/understand on which basis/ground or how we can blame...".

4. "Hence a meer 2 to 3 mins..."

>> mere?

5. "Hence even if there is a conflict of opinion between the advertisement and the audience, they might want to analyze the negative impact first."

This statement is completely vague, for me - I don't know whose negative impact you're talking about and the following example doesn't make clear the point. The problem here may occur from the word 'analyze' which is not suitable for this context. If you want to state that the audience will first 'beware' of the negative impact emerging from the advertisement, the word 'to consider', 'to mind' are more exact.

6. "For e.g. everybody would have started smoking if the advertisements would have had a negative impact."

'For e.g.', again, seems strange to me - '...,e.g.,...' is more common in academic writing.

But this statement, in my gut, isn't an example for the prior sentence. Rather, it just a further explanation: people indeed beware of the negative impact of the ads and if they didn't really beware of it, they all would helplessly start smoking now. So you may not need an 'e.g.' here.

7. "expurgations and censorships"

To censor is to examine and expurgate, hence these two words are redundant.

8. "it moulds the behavior is a negative way."

>> in a negative way

9. "...on one's behavior may not be worthwhile."

the word 'worthwhile' is used when something is sufficiently important to worth one's effort, time - which is out of this context. Consider using these words instead: correct, accurate, precise.

10. "so many measures in place that it will have minimal to no impact on the people."

'That' substitutes the word 'measures', so there's no need to insert another subject, 'it', in subordinate clause. In doing this, change in words is needed. Consider my edit:

so many measures in place that will reduce or eliminate advertisement's negative impacts on people.

[sweetu1995]

Thanks a lot mgaston! Will work on that.

Any pointers on the development of ideas and organization? I think these are more stressed areas