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svbla · 2009 October 17th, 06:09 AM

I really have NO ANY IDEA what my problem is!! I always try to improve my essay, but the score just fair:2.5-3.5. I don't know how am I suppose to improve again. so, I need your help for that, please.
Here's a sample for TOEFL test: Government should pay more attention on health care issues than on environmental issues

Some people think that government should pay attention for health, some think that government should take care about environment. from my perspective, I think government should take care about environment. the reasons support my idea as follow:
First of all, it is obvious that the environment pollution has become a focus of society. The global warming has been warning us to dwindle pollution. For one thing: A news from CNN shows that the glacier has been melting for last 20 years, and the level of sea has been rising 3.5cm. If we do nothing for reduce the pollution for the place where we living, then we will losing home. For another, more and more animals are in severe danger, even extinct from the earth, which means we could never ever find them again if we were not stop preying. like human, animals are another significant part of environment. Here's an example from my hometown, which is economic developing, factories take huge area for warehouses, they cut the trees, turn the hills into bald. The river has been polluted by these factories. As a result, animals are leaving, fish are dying., no birds singing in the sky, everything was damaged, Therefore, we can't protect our homeland as much as we think without government's help.

Secondly, no doubt that the environment is best cyclopaedia for US to learn much more about our earth. All knowledge we learned from books, but, how could we study book without environment? All kinds of experts and college students are get into this huge nature textbook to study something that we still don't know. Or you could turn on TV to watch National Geographic to dig the interesting stuffs that you prefer. A poll from A High school shows that students prefer to choose get into environment themselves for learning. This is all because the environment is best textbook for us to learn, no matter what do you like to like, you will find amazing results from this nature book.

In conclusion, I’m totally convinced that our government should pay more attention for environment. such as dwindling the pollution for the earth, protect the animals, make sure they have place to survive. And stimulate people go to nature environment to enjoy and study these most beautiful things. People without home are like birds without wings, fish without water.

This is essay for my last TOEFL, but the judge shows my problems as follow:
you may not provide enough specific support and development for your
main points; your ideas may be difficult to follow because of how you organize your essay
or because of the language you use to connect your ideas; and/or
grammatical mistakes or vague/incorrect uses of words may make the writing
difficult to understand.

I don't understand about it, and my comments are always like these. why they still think there are many problems ? If I can't find my pro, I can't get a good score for next test. so please, if you know something, tell me, please!
Thanks so much!!

svbla · 2009 October 18th, 04:11 AM

Someone, help me please

sonson2007 · 2009 October 18th, 05:05 AM

I took a quick look into your essay and I can see that the ideas in the essay is not coherant although you have very good information and good vocabulary. Besides each paragraph needs more organization...topic statment , body and a conclusion..try to focus on this pattern.
Hope this help.

Orbit74 · 2009 October 23rd, 12:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by svbla

I really have NO ANY IDEA what my problem is!! I always try to improve my essay, but the score just fair:2.5-3.5. I don't know how am I suppose to improve again. so, I need your help for that, please.

Here's a sample for TOEFL test: Government should pay more attention on health care issues than on environmental issues

Some people think that government should pay attention for health, some think that government should take care about environment. from my perspective, I think government should take care about environment. the reasons support my idea as follow:
First of all, it is obvious that the environment pollution has become a focus of society. The global warming has been warning us to dwindle pollution. For one thing: A news from CNN shows that the glacier has been melting for last 20 years, and the level of sea has been rising 3.5cm. If we do nothing for reduce the pollution for the place where we living, then we will losing home. For another, more and more animals are in severe danger, even extinct from the earth, which means we could never ever find them again if we were not stop preying. like human, animals are another significant part of environment. Here's an example from my hometown, which is economic developing, factories take huge area for warehouses, they cut the trees, turn the hills into bald. The river has been polluted by these factories. As a result, animals are leaving, fish are dying., no birds singing in the sky, everything was damaged, Therefore, we can't protect our homeland as much as we think without government's help.

Secondly, no doubt that the environment is best cyclopaedia for US to learn much more about our earth. All knowledge we learned from books, but, how could we study book without environment? All kinds of experts and college students are get into this huge nature textbook to study something that we still don't know. Or you could turn on TV to watch National Geographic to dig the interesting stuffs that you prefer. A poll from A High school shows that students prefer to choose get into environment themselves for learning. This is all because the environment is best textbook for us to learn, no matter what do you like to like, you will find amazing results from this nature book.

In conclusion, I’m totally convinced that our government should pay more attention for environment. such as dwindling the pollution for the earth, protect the animals, make sure they have place to survive. And stimulate people go to nature environment to enjoy and study these most beautiful things. People without home are like birds without wings, fish without water.

This is essay for my last TOEFL, but the judge shows my problems as follow:
you may not provide enough specific support and development for yourmain points; your ideas may be difficult to follow because of how you organize your essay
or because of the language you use to connect your ideas; and/or
grammatical mistakes or vague/incorrect uses of words may make the writing
difficult to understand.

I don't understand about it, and my comments are always like these. why they still think there are many problems ? If I can't find my pro, I can't get a good score for next test. so please, if you know something, tell me, please!
Thanks so much!!

I am really sorry about your misfortune .
I have a question where did your get your essay ?

2009 October 17th, 06:09 AM	#1 (permalink)
svbla I JUST got here. Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 7	I already did my best for writing, but I still just got fair score. I really have NO ANY IDEA what my problem is!! I always try to improve my essay, but the score just fair:2.5-3.5. I don't know how am I suppose to improve again. so, I need your help for that, please. Here's a sample for TOEFL test: Government should pay more attention on health care issues than on environmental issues Some people think that government should pay attention for health, some think that government should take care about environment. from my perspective, I think government should take care about environment. the reasons support my idea as follow: First of all, it is obvious that the environment pollution has become a focus of society. The global warming has been warning us to dwindle pollution. For one thing: A news from CNN shows that the glacier has been melting for last 20 years, and the level of sea has been rising 3.5cm. If we do nothing for reduce the pollution for the place where we living, then we will losing home. For another, more and more animals are in severe danger, even extinct from the earth, which means we could never ever find them again if we were not stop preying. like human, animals are another significant part of environment. Here's an example from my hometown, which is economic developing, factories take huge area for warehouses, they cut the trees, turn the hills into bald. The river has been polluted by these factories. As a result, animals are leaving, fish are dying., no birds singing in the sky, everything was damaged, Therefore, we can't protect our homeland as much as we think without government's help. Secondly, no doubt that the environment is best cyclopaedia for US to learn much more about our earth. All knowledge we learned from books, but, how could we study book without environment? All kinds of experts and college students are get into this huge nature textbook to study something that we still don't know. Or you could turn on TV to watch National Geographic to dig the interesting stuffs that you prefer. A poll from A High school shows that students prefer to choose get into environment themselves for learning. This is all because the environment is best textbook for us to learn, no matter what do you like to like, you will find amazing results from this nature book. In conclusion, I’m totally convinced that our government should pay more attention for environment. such as dwindling the pollution for the earth, protect the animals, make sure they have place to survive. And stimulate people go to nature environment to enjoy and study these most beautiful things. People without home are like birds without wings, fish without water. This is essay for my last TOEFL, but the judge shows my problems as follow: you may not provide enough specific support and development for your main points; your ideas may be difficult to follow because of how you organize your essay or because of the language you use to connect your ideas; and/or grammatical mistakes or vague/incorrect uses of words may make the writing difficult to understand. I don't understand about it, and my comments are always like these. why they still think there are many problems ? If I can't find my pro, I can't get a good score for next test. so please, if you know something, tell me, please! Thanks so much!!

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2009 October 18th, 04:11 AM	#2 (permalink)
svbla I JUST got here. Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 7	Someone, help me please

2009 October 18th, 05:05 AM	#3 (permalink)
sonson2007 Eager! Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 88	I took a quick look into your essay and I can see that the ideas in the essay is not coherant although you have very good information and good vocabulary. Besides each paragraph needs more organization...topic statment , body and a conclusion..try to focus on this pattern. Hope this help.

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