A Gift of Money to My School

[Yoga Taruna]

:question: :question:

Your school has received a gift of money. What do you think is the best way for your school to spend this money? Use specific reasons and details to support your choice.

 

:idea: :idea:

In my opinion, the best way for my school to spend the gift of money it received is to use the money for the updating or improvement of its learning facilities, such as the library, the computers, the laboratory equipment, the sports equipment, and so on. I see that many of those facilities have been out-of-date so that the learning process won’t yield the maximal result if the facilities are not updated or improved.

 

As known everywhere, we live in the dynamically changing world. Technology changes in an ever-increasing rate. If we can’t keep up with the dynamic changes of technology, we will lag behind in advancement, progress, and development. In the long run, we can’t expect to be able to compete with other societies in order to survive in the modern world. Of course, we don’t want our students to lag behind. Therefore, we have to prepare them to brave, survive, and then win the future. We have to provide them with the best education we can afford.

 

As we can see, our world today has been much influenced and dominated by technology. Almost all aspects of life have been affected or touched by technology. As a consequence, in order to prepare our students to respond well to the demands and challenges of the modern world, technology should be an integral part of our education system.

 

Since technology is usually introduced with the aid of learning facilities (such as computers, laboratory equipment, and sports equipment), the continual updating and improvement of such facilities in my school are really indispensable, in order to enable both the teachers and the students to always keep up with the recent developments of technology. We have learned from experience that continually updated facilities will make learning process not only easier but also more enjoyable and more encouraging.

 

In conclusion, to make the best use of the gift of money it received, my school should first list its top priorities and then use the money to finance the most prioritized ones. In my opinion, one of such priorities is the continual updating and improvement of its learning facilities.

:)

[hosnatul]

here is my version of the essay:Your school has received a gift of money. What do you think is the best way for your school to spend this money? Use specific reasons and details to support your choice.

 

 

School is a place where students spend most of their time, so it should provide a lot of facilities to improve their well-being and broaden knowledge. To reach that goal I would suggest some equipment for my school if I received some money. For improving the well-being of the students, I would buy some gym and sports equipment, and for broaden knowledge, I would provide some new computers with the high speed Internet connection.

 

Physical activities are very important for students to vent out mental stress, cope up with school environment, and concentrate in studies. Some students leave their families and stay by themselves. Some do extra work after school to pay for the tuition. Those are the situation where students get stressed out. By doing physical activities, it is somewhat possible to reduce those stresses. In addition, healthy body means healthy mind. Thus, healthy mind helps students to focus more on studies. My school has a gym. However, it is not well equipped. If I could add some exercise tools to it, more students will get the opportunity to use the gym. For example, in our old gym it has only two trade mills and one elliptical. With the gifted money, I would buy two more trade mills and elliptical.

 

There are only two very old modeled computers in our library without any internet connection. Therefore, the students are not able to connect to the rest of the world. In current situation, where advanced technology is a must have facility, our school is lagging behind. The students are dependent on old paper based information, whereas internet can provide all essential information in a matter of few seconds. Moreover, there are no limitations of acquiring knowledge though the internet. Therefore, new computers with high speed internet connection would be my second choice on spending money.

 

In conclusion, certainly, there must be other areas where the school need money, but it is very important to emphasize on students physical health and facilitate acquired knowledge. Consequently, in my opinion, money should go on those two sectors in my school.

[Yoga Taruna]

:)

Dear Hosnatul,

Thank you for giving me your idea.

Let me give my comments on your essay above.

 

Note that the question being asked begins with “Your school has received a gift of money.” So, the subject is “your school.” However, I find that in your essay, you shifted the subject from “your school” to “I”. For example, look at the first paragraph.

To reach that goal I would suggest some equipment for my school if I received some money. For improving the well-being of the students, I would buy some gym and sports equipment, and for broaden knowledge, I would provide some new computers with the high speed Internet connection.

 

In the second paragraph, you also mentioned

With the gifted money, I would buy two more trade mills and elliptical.

 

In my opinion, this shift of subject is a little confusing though the main idea is still easily understandable.

:hmm:

I also found misspellings, i.e. “trade mills” (in second paragraph, which should be “treadmills”).

 

I don’t think your mistakes will reduce your grade substantially since your idea is good. However, you should be more careful to make your grade perfect.

:)

[hosnatul]

wow yoga! thanks for your comments. i really didn't notice the time i was writing the essay. yes, you are right. i need to change all my "i" and refer to the school. my toefl is coming really soon, so wish me luck.

[Yoga Taruna]

Thank you Hosnatul. I'm glad that my comments help you.

I'm sure that you will get the best from the test since your vocabulary is excellent. Good luck!!

:) :)