plz evalute my essay......my toefl test is on next week......it's very urgent....

[chintu]

plz anyone can comment on my essay......or how to improve it..

topic 103

In your opinion, what is the most important characteristic (for example, honesty, intelligence, a sense of humor) that a person can have to be successful in life? Use specific reasons and examples from your experience to explain your answer. When you write your answer, you are not limited to the examples listed in the question.









This is definitely a controversial topic as success is different for different people. Power, fame, money, self-satisfaction are different synonyms of success for different people. But according to me, the definition of the success is: "Directed progression towards the goal". Different factors affect the achievements of schusses, but I think "Will-power" is the major factor that is necessary for becoming the successful person.



In today's fast and competitive life, becoming a successful person is a very difficult task as there are many obstacles coming in the way. And the man with the strong will-power can remove these obstacles and win the race. Many famous scientists, who devote their whole life for new invention, many times become frustrate, when there is no meaningful output come from their task. But the scientists, who have strong will-power, can overcome to this situation and jump to their invention again with double enthusiasm, and they become the successful persons.



Another famous example of strong will power is the famous bicycle racer "Lance Armstrong". When he took part in the first racing event "Tour-de-france", at that time he suffered from cancer. Most of the doctors foretell about his lifetime of maximum two-three years. But on the basis of his strong will-power, not only he won the race, but he becomes the first racer, who won this "tour-de-france" event six times. Because of his strong will-power, he is the most famous celebrity among the youngsters.





How can one forget to mention "Hellen Caller", when one is talking about will-power. Though she was dumb and blind, on the basis of her strong will power, she learned and could be able to communicate as well. Also she discovered "Brain lipi - the language for the blinds". Even in the Bhagvad Gita lord krishna told that "using a strong will power, a handicapped also able to climb the hill".



In the sum up, I narrate that, there is no definite formula for becoming the successful person. Many qualities such as handwork, knowledge, luck, wisdom, sense of humor etc. are required for becoming a successful person. But i think "Will-power" is the most important factor among all of these. As there is a nice proverb which says: “when there is a will, there is a way."

[anuj]

- grammatical mistakes.
- at times usage of quotes is fine, but in my opinion overusage is equivalent to bad punctuation. Ex.

"Will-power"

- When you use a phrase, make sure you get it correct.

“when there is a will, there is a way."

After the trivialities, a note about the organization/ structure.

- Your essay lacks contents. Try to come up with more points in favor of "Will-power". You have listed only One point. In case you are not able to think of more than one point in favor of "Will-power", choose some other attribute (even if you strongly believe in "Will-power", do not write it if you cannot think of points in its favor).


Also see riz's post on "TOEFL Essay Writing Tips" for general tips on essay structure
<http://www.urch.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12765>


Anuj

[nitinag]

I agree to what Anuj has to say here - over use of quotes is harmful. Also the major flaw in your premise is as follows -

Will power leads to success. Is it? I guess some terrorist might have the willpower to kill the president. Is this success?

So is will-power more important than the "goal" itself? Your essay does not bring out the fact that will power is more important than the goal. So i guess it has a major flaw.

Apart from that you would do well to use some transitional phrases correctly. Like "In sum up" should be "To sum up" or "In the final analysis"
and so on and so forth. On the whole the essay would deserve a 3.5-4 probably because some examples are good and overall the length and the diction is satisfactory.