hi pami and others, plzz check my 2nd essay

[tans]

hi, this is my second essay, i exceeded time by 5 minutes, plzz check it and show my mistaks and rate it thanx in advance

Should governments spend more money on improving roads and highways, or should governments spend more money on improving public transportation (buses, trains, subways)? Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.


I am a citizen of India. In a developing country like India, it is necessary for the Government to spend money both on improving road and highways and public transportation such as buses, trains, subways as nothing is in good shape. But comparing the relative importance, I shall say that govt. should spend more money on public transportation than on roads and highways. In my essay, I shall support the view of spending more money on public transportation.

Let me take an example to illustrate my view point. I am from a city namely Kolkata which is one of the four largest metropoliton cities in India . Here total area of roadways is much less in percentage as compared to the total area of the city. But this city has a history of 350 years. At the time of its birth , the then British rulers did not follow any rule of town planning. So, though the new Kolkata is developing, but the residents of old Kolkata are the worst sufferers. Due to shortage of roadways, traffic jam is a common feature of this city. It is almost impossible for office goers and school children to reach their destinations in time. At the time of rush hours,and also in rainy season, the condition becomes serious resulting a delay of almost one hour from the time. Now, it is impossible to construct new roads in this old city as there is no place left. Road widening is also not possible, as there are rows of multistoried buildings on both the sides of the roadways. So, the only possible solution is construction of subways and underground railways. And Kolkata has become he first metro city of India with underground railways joining different parts of the city. The Govt. has already sanctioned a large sum of money for this project and still sanctioning for its further expansion. Now this can be exemplary for any city in any country. The underground railways can help in reducing the number of vehicles on roads and also traffic jam. Subways can reduce the number of pedestrians on roads resulting faster movement of people . Moreover, it can also reduce the number of accidents taken place on the city roads every day.

Besides, the govt can spend money on the quality improvemnt program of busses, running on streets. Again taking the example of my hometown, I can say that the buses currently run on the city roads are having age of more than twenty years. So, the old technology is still dominating the city roads causing slow movements of buses and also increasing the chances of accidents. Pollution is another major problem as most of these vehicles are not having advanced technology to control carbon mono oxide. Now, it is high time for the govt to spend money to renovate the whole system. If all these buses are withdrawn from the city streets, and new, high speed buses run by compressed natural gas(CNG) are introduced, then it will increase the speed , reduce pollution, help saving time, people will also be able to reach their destination in time.

Another important part of transportation is trains. Obviously all the points of the city can not be joined by roadways. It is very prominent in case of the unplanned city, Kolakata. So, some points of this city are already connected with above ground railways called Circular rail. Now, here also, the same theory applies. The speed of the trains should be incrased to facilitite journey of passengers and it requirs application of new technology in the trains. And that is only possible from the fund allocated by the government.

So, in a nutshell, I can say that Govt fund is badly needed to imrove the system of public transportation and what I have shown in case of Kolkata, can be true for any city of the world and any govt of any country may need to spend money on these system like the Govt. of India.

[asad100]

both on improving [roads] and highways...

Kolkata has become [the] first metro...

Besides, the govt can spend money on the quality [improvement] program of [buses]...

The speed of the trains should be [increased] to [facilitate] journey...

it [requires] application of new technology...

So, in a nutshell, I can say that Govt fund is badly needed to [improve] the system of public transportation


P.S: Don't you think your essay length is kinda long? I haven't seen a sample of 6.0 as long as this even on the official tip bulletin sent by ETS. I hope other real experts will give their solid opinions on your essay shortly.

[anuj]

I no expert - still here are my views

Tans, you must be having a decent writing speed - typing an essay of 664 words in 35 minutes. Your essay is on the longer side, as asad pointed out, but I guess that should not be problem as long as you

- finish it on time
- have enough spare time to review it
- do not lose control over organisation of the essay.

(fyi - more details of typical essay lengths can be found in "Figure 1. Essay length and human reader score for Prompt C."in the document "Beyond Essay Length: Evaluating e-rater®’sPerformance"at
<ftp.ets.org/pub/toefl/990112.pdf>. Themax length of the sample essay in the Figure was around 600)


Comments about your essay

PROS
-----
- lots and lots of points, many of them relevant, described in good detail.

CONS
------
- In the intro para, you can summarise the reasons of taking the stand you are taking.
- The conclusion is weak - u need to restate the reasons for taking the stand.
- Couple of grammatical errors in the essay.

- About the structure
-- Somehow your essay is organized around examples rather than points. Some of the points are getting overlapped across paras, example - para 3 and 4.
-- Somehow I would have prefered an organization something like this -

Para 1 - Intro (including summary of points for the stand)

Para 2 - No space to improve roads - only way to go under using subway trains - Also not all places connected via roads - so train the only way to go (Basically, pointing to limitation of roads and highways) ...

Para 3 - Reduced pollution by better means of transportation rather then trying to improve infrastructure (pointing to one benefit - this one in comparison to improving roads) ...

Para 4 - Reduced Traffic accidents and congestion by subways and trains - Also improving existing transportation leads to better transit times - thus again reducing congestion (second benefit ) ...

.
.
.

Para Last - Conclusion (summarising the points again)


A concluding note - since you are able to come up with decent number of ideas, do not try to push all of them into the essay. Pick only the best among them, try to delineate paras for each properly, along with supporting examples. Use intro and conclusion para to summarise and strengthen them. I have no doubt with a little bit of brushup, you can easily score a 6.0.


Anuj.

[tans]

hi asad and anuj

thanx a lot for ur details comment on my essay. i dont know whether i shall be able to improve or not as my toefl is tomorrow .but, i shall try my best . anuj, i shall go through the link shortly.thanx again

[Dingus]

Originally Posted by tans

hi asad and anuj

thanx a lot for ur details comment on my essay. i dont know whether i shall be able to improve or not as my toefl is tomorrow .but, i shall try my best . anuj, i shall go through the link shortly.thanx again

Best of luck tans! You will get a 300! \m/

Cheers
Dingus