Please help me correct it and rate my essay. Thank you very much.

[roro1989]

It has been a while since I wrote an essay in English, so my sense of English is getting a little rusty. But I need to take a TOEFL test next week,(which is quite frustrating ) So anyone who is kind enough to take a look at my essay, please be blunt, tell me what errors that I have made, or anything that can be improved. Thank you very much!

Topic 157: In the future, students may have the choice of studying at home by using technology such as computers or television or of studying at home at traditional schools. Which would you prefer? Use reasons and specific details to explain your choice.

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my essay:

While somebody might think studying through online courses is the wiser choice, I prefer to choose attending the traditional schools, for the personal instruction that teachers can provide, a better studying environment that traditional schools possess, and more social interactions it will bring about.

First of all, as abundant as the information you can obtain on the internet is, there is one thing that you are not able to gain online. That is the personal instruction from the teachers who address directly to students' specific academic problems. What we need to learn in a school is not only the knowledge itself, but also to understand how to use an organized and theorized method to analyze the information you get, thereby constructing a solid knowledge basis of your own. Namely, to acquire the ability of critical thinking. In absence of the teachings from an actual teacher, it is quite difficult to be self-taught about critical thinking via internet.

Secondly, the traditional schools usually have a more suitable environment for education where students are apt to focus on the study tasks they have in the their hands. Personally speaking, I tend to get distracted, when studying alone at home, given an array of temptations online that are easily accessible to everyone, like chatting, video games, etc. But if I stay at school, my attention will be concentrated on my assignments and my study efficiency will also be higher.

Last but not least, attending traditional schools is an excellent way to socialize yourself. In the course of studying at a traditional school, you are bound to meet a considerable number of new classmates, many of whom will eventually become your life-long good friends. If you choose to study on your own via internet, you can never have this kind of valuable human networks. Without the important skill to be bonding with others, your career prospect might be comprised.

All things considered, I think, in consideration of the personal instructions, better studying environments and social experience resulted from studying at traditional schools, it is more desirable than studying at online schools.

[dolojbilana]

Hello) I'm also preparing for the toefl test, so I am not a professional) Nevertheless, I'll try to help you)

While somebody might think studying through online courses is the wiser choice, I prefer to choose attending the traditional schools, for the personal instruction that teachers can provide, a better studying environment that traditional schools possess, and more social interactions it will bring about.(It is your thesis statement. To get a higher score you should have a general topic statement and a statement which narrows the topic)

First of all, as abundant as the information you can obtain on the internet is, there is one thing that you are not able to gain online. That is the personal instruction from the teachers who address directly to students' specific academic problems. What we need to learn in a school is not only the knowledge itself, but also to understand how to use an organized and theorized method to analyze the information you get, thereby constructing a solid knowledge basis of your own. Namely, to acquire the ability of critical thinking. In absence of the teachings from an actual teacher, it is quite difficult to be self-taught about critical thinking via internet.(It's better to start with a clear opening statement. Something like "Firsl of all, in the traditional scools you can acquire personal instruction from blahblahblah" will be much better. Then, mind that you are supposed to give reasons for attending school not against distance learning, so the opening statement should be written in other way)

Secondly, the traditional schools usually have a more suitable environment for education where students are apt to focus on the study tasks they have in the their hands. Personally speaking, I tend to get distracted, when studying alone at home, given an array of temptations online that are easily accessible to everyone, like chatting, video games, etc. But if I stay at school, my attention will be concentrated on my assignments and my study efficiency will also be higher.(it's okay)

Last but not least, attending traditional schools is an excellent way to socialize yourself. In the course of studying at a traditional school, you are bound to meet a considerable number of new classmates, many of whom will eventually become your life-long good friends. If you choose to study on your own via internet, you can never have this kind of valuable human networks. Without the important skill to be bonding with others, your career prospect might be comprised.

All things considered, I think, in consideration of the personal instructions, better studying environments and social experience resulted from studying at traditional schools, it is more desirable than studying at online schools. (It will be useful to use such expressions like "Although there are many good reasons for distant learning....for example....., I prefere...... because" , but your conclusion is quite good as well, I just suggest how you can improve it)))