#177: A friend of yours has received some money an

[psagarriga]

Hi,

hereafter my last essay. I hope i have not been too boring. [:o)]

Let's me know your comments.

Thank

Pier

 

 

________________________

A friend of yours has received some money and plans to use all of it either to go on vacation, to buy a car. Your friend has asked you for advice. Compare your friend’s two choices and explain which one you think your friend should choose. Use specific reasons and details to support your choice.

 

 

Personally, if I have a friend that would have to spend a lot of money to either to go in vacation, or to buy a car, I would try to convince him to go in vacation rather than to buy a car for several raisons that I will try to detail here in this essay.

 

I would say to him that, if he would have a car, he could stay at work longer because he could arrive at work earlier in the morning and go home later in the evening. This is a great advantage. But, at the same time, I think that he would be more stressed, because using the car he would be in the traffic in the rush hours, both in the morning and in the evening.

 

Furthermore, he would be more independent during the weekend for going anywhere he wants, and during the night, he could go back home without to wait for either a metro or a taxi. But at the same time, I will remember him that, buying a car, he will have to pay the gasoline, an assurance, car reparations, tickets, taxes, and other expenses less or more foreseeable. For example, I have a friend of mine that has included in his estimated car budget a number of tickets per year in order to lower the stress due to the lack of parking in Paris. He prefers to accept the risk to have a ticket more than wait for an hour looking for a parking place.

 

At the contrary, if he would choose to go in vacation, he would be less stressed and at the same time he would have the possibility to visit a wonderful country.

He could choose to very far, in a beautiful country with a warm temperature, nice beach. He could relax, have fun, have a lie in every morning. If he would like, he could go fishing every day, and have a sleep on the beach after lunch.

 

Both possibilities have advantages and disadvantages, but, if I had to give my advice concerning the way to spend money, I would suggest leaving for a vacation in any way. It makes you less stressed, especially if the alternative is buy a car. A vacation permits to visit wonderful countries, having fun, relax and taking advantages of pleasures that life can offer.

 

 

[newlife]

Mary, a friend of mine, was lucky to win a big prize in lottery but didn't know how to spend the money. She was wandering about whether to buy a car or to go for a happy trip, therefore, she asked me for advice. Although a car and a trip are both inviting options, I suggest that she choose to buy a car. Because a car is an important transportation tool and can make life easier.

 

To begin with, a car is a necessity in modern life. However, buying a car needs a great deal of money. Many people have to save for years or make installment to purchase a car. Now that Mary has enough money, she can buy it immediately without cutting down his living costs. On the other hand, if Mary uses up the money for a trip, she will still suffers from saving money for a car.

 

Moreover, a car plays an important role in commuting. With a car, Mary will not have to rush out for a bus or subway to work in the morning, she can carefully plan her time and drive to work and back home easily. Farewell to the crowded public transportation, she can enjoy a private commuting environment from work back home.

 

In addition, a car contributes to a happy trip. Other than driving a car for work, she can also drive everywhere for a trip. With a car, Mary can go anywhere she wants, she can decide when to go, how long to stay and what to take with her. All the details in a trip are in control. I believe Mary will enjoy a more colorful life with a car. Although a trip brings about a lot of fun and entertainment, it is a pure consumption and does no good to future life.

 

In a word, to make good use of the money, it is wise to buy a car, since a car helps to commute faster, contributes to later journeys thus makes life much easier and happier.

 

[ttaann]

Hi psagarriga,

My comments are in red.

Personally, if I have a friend that who would have to spend a lot of money Hmmmm I've never heard that someone has to spend a lot of money to either to go in on vacation, no comma or to buy a car, I would try to convince him to go in vacation rather than to buy a car for several raisons reasons that I will try to detail here in this essayredundancy: here--this.

 

I would say to him that, if he would have a car, he could stay at work longer work longer because he could arrive at work earlier in the morning and go home later in the evening. This is a great advantage. But, at the same time, I think that he would be more stressed, because ofusing the car he would be in the traffic in the rush hours, both in the morning and in the evening.

 

Furthermore, he would be more independent during the weekend for goingto go anywhere he wants, and during the night, he could to(parallel structure) go back home without to wait having to waitfor either a metro or a taxi. But at the same time, I will remember remind him that, buying a car, he will have to pay for the gasoline, an assuranceinsurance, car reparationsrepairs, tickets, taxes, and other expenses less or more foreseeable. For example, I have a friend of mine that has included in his estimated car budget a number of tickets included a number of tickets in his estimated car budget per year in order to lower the stress due to the lack of parking lots in Paris. He prefers to accept the risk to have a ticket more than to wait for an hour looking for a parking place.

 

AtOn the contrary, if he would choose to go in on vacation, he would be less stressed and at the same time he would have the possibility to visit a wonderful country.

He could choose to go very far, in to a beautiful country with a warm temperature, and nice beachs . He could relax, have fun, have a lie in every morning. If he would like, he could go fishing every day, and have a sleep on the beach after lunch.

 

Both possibilities have advantages and disadvantages, but, if I had to give my advice concerning the way to spend money, I would suggest leaving for a vacation in any waywhat you mean? . It makes you less stressed, especially if the alternative is buying a car. A vacation permits you to visit wonderful countries, having to have fun, to relax and taking take advantages of pleasures that life can offer.

 

Psagarriga,

I hate to tell you that your essay has a lot of mistakes, and lacks strong arguments.

But don't worry. :)

Try hard next time, keep practicing :)

ttaann.

[shabnam]

Hi dear friends,

 

I have written the following essay. I would be grateful if you please comment on that. Thanks, Shabnam.

 

My friend has tow choice and both of them, quite naturally, have either advantage or disadvantage and he/she should choose the best choice.

If she goes to vacation, it will give him/her peace of mind with changing his/her environment. when any person changes his/her environment, even for a short time, it affects his/her morale and, moreover, gives her/him more energy for working. And another advantage, she/he can see a new place and find new friends. If people go to new place, it may have historical cites and new persons with defferent cultures. Their every single time is spent with new friends who may have interesting character and attractive personalitiy. On the contrary, if a person, who deos not have a car, goes to vacation, he/she will have some problems. She/he can not do anything that he/she wants because he/she ahs to travel with the tour, so my friend should conform himself/herself to the situation, including all of behaviores of passengers who acompany her/him during the trip and sometimes he/she should tolerate some behaviores and, in addition, he/she can not keep track his/her own trip plan. For example, he/she desires to stop for a moment and take a look a round and take a breath but she/he can not because she/he should comply with the regulations of the group as a member of group.

On the other hand, if she/he buys a car, it has some advantages. A car will bring a person comfort and provide more time efficiency_schedual. If a person has a car, it helps her/him to go every where at any time. You are comfortable with having a car because it helps that you can have access to shopping center and even more, you can live any where that you wish and you do not have to live in downtown, so a car makes convenient every thing for you. Furthermore, when a person has a car, he/she can have a efficient time about his/her programs. He/she does not waste the time in metro or bus lines. If he/she decides to go different places during a day, he/she can relay on the car and arrive on time. But the problems that a car creats for a person are the expenses and the prinsipals of safety. A car has some expenses including gass, repairment and parking. A person should notice about these affairs because one of them may produce a problem that prevents to use of a car. For example, I had a car and one day I went out and I was not be able to find a place for parking, so I parked my car two kilometers faraway from the place that I wanted to go. And also he/she should put aside money every month for these expenses. The second problem is safety. During driving, he/she should be very careful and conservative about the raod. He/she can not do any thing and look a round and enjoy the nature that exists besides the raod.

AS you can see, both a car and vacation have some advantages and disadvantages but if you have a car, you can go on vacation by yourself and be very comfortable during the trip and go anywhere that you wish and stop the car at any time and everything is convenient. Consequently, you can have much more time and mauch more fun and enjoy much more on the trip.

 

[TM Staff]

Originally posted by shabnam

 

Hi dear friends,

 

I have written the following essay. I would be grateful if you please comment on that. Thanks, Shabnam.

 

My friend has tow choice and both of them, quite naturally, have either advantage or disadvantage and he/she should choose the best choice.

If she goes to vacation, it will give him/her peace of mind with changing his/her environment. when any person changes his/her environment, even for a short time, it affects his/her morale and, moreover, gives her/him more energy for working. And another advantage, she/he can see a new place and find new friends. If people go to new place, it may have historical cites and new persons with defferent cultures. Their every single time is spent with new friends who may have interesting character and attractive personalitiy. On the contrary, if a person, who deos not have a car, goes to vacation, he/she will have some problems. She/he can not do anything that he/she wants because he/she ahs to travel with the tour, so my friend should conform himself/herself to the situation, including all of behaviores of passengers who acompany her/him during the trip and sometimes he/she should tolerate some behaviores and, in addition, he/she can not keep track his/her own trip plan. For example, he/she desires to stop for a moment and take a look a round and take a breath but she/he can not because she/he should comply with the regulations of the group as a member of group.

On the other hand, if she/he buys a car, it has some advantages. A car will bring a person comfort and provide more time efficiency_schedual. If a person has a car, it helps her/him to go every where at any time. You are comfortable with having a car because it helps that you can have access to shopping center and even more, you can live any where that you wish and you do not have to live in downtown, so a car makes convenient every thing for you. Furthermore, when a person has a car, he/she can have a efficient time about his/her programs. He/she does not waste the time in metro or bus lines. If he/she decides to go different places during a day, he/she can relay on the car and arrive on time. But the problems that a car creats for a person are the expenses and the prinsipals of safety. A car has some expenses including gass, repairment and parking. A person should notice about these affairs because one of them may produce a problem that prevents to use of a car. For example, I had a car and one day I went out and I was not be able to find a place for parking, so I parked my car two kilometers faraway from the place that I wanted to go. And also he/she should put aside money every month for these expenses. The second problem is safety. During driving, he/she should be very careful and conservative about the raod. He/she can not do any thing and look a round and enjoy the nature that exists besides the raod.

AS you can see, both a car and vacation have some advantages and disadvantages but if you have a car, you can go on vacation by yourself and be very comfortable during the trip and go anywhere that you wish and stop the car at any time and everything is convenient. Consequently, you can have much more time and mauch more fun and enjoy much more on the trip.

 

 

Hi, Shabnam.

 

I would have to say that the conclusion is the strongest part of your essay as it currently is.

It was actually only upon reading this part of your essay that I was able to determine what your point of view was on the topic. However, the fact that your point of view is not made clear until the end, will pose a problem for you in future essays and needs to be looked at.

 

The way you can clear this up is by stating your thesis and your main points in the introduction of your essay. Use a separate paragraph at the beginning to do this. It is important that your reader understand your opinion and the reasons for this opinion at the very beginning of the essay.

 

Separate the body into two or three paragraphs with each paragraph dedicated to your main points. As it is, the body is far too full of small examples and details with no separation of points. So, for example, if you feel that it is a good idea for your friend to buy the car because a car provides a sense of freedom to its owner--then make that your main point/your first paragraph and give examples of how it provides freedom. Stick to that point and only that point in the paragraph. Do this with all of your main points. It will provide the essential clarity that the essay above currently lacks.

 

Clarity and concision in the presentation of your ideas are vital. Clarity in structure through clean, complete and separate paragraphs will improve your essay.

 

Also the use of "he/she" throughout the essay is somewhat distracting to the reader. I would pick one pronoun or the other, or consider using the plural "they". It will be less confusing.

 

I hope this will be of help to you.

 

Best of luck,

 

TM Staff