Please rate again, is this called developed essay?

[piyawoot]

A gift (such as a camera, a soccer ball, or an animal) can contribute to a child’s development. What gift would you give to help a child develop? Why? Use reasons and specific examples to support your choice.



Although some people believe that those moderns sophisticated toys, such as Playstations and Computers, are better for their sons’ and daughters’ developments, I think soccer balls, a more economical choice, have more benefits. Perhaps, there are several reasons involved.



To begin with, children are in growing age. In order to grow up well, they need supports in many aspects, for instance, education, emotion, and physical strength. Most parents are focusing on only education and neglect the others. Therefore, soccer balls are regarded as a good solution to fulfill the children’s needs. By playing soccer, they have to run fast, to jump, to head, and to kick the ball, this allow them getting stronger. Together with, the more strength they gain; the less chance they get sick. This is an indirect effect but also help they study more well.



Moreover, since soccer is a game, there are chances to win, to lose, or to draw. The kids are able to learn the athletic heart that is whenever the competition results are, they have to accept and will not give up. In addition, they can learn to deal with the situations when they are lost. These effects improve their ability to cope with hard situations in the future. This is one more reason that explains why soccer balls are quite intriguing gifts.



Furthermore, as children play soccer, they are able to socialize. Soccer is a game of socialization. They players have to communicate and work as teams in order to compete with the oppositions. Obviously, collaboration skill is also concerned as another advantage. Both social and collaborating skills are essential for children when they become adults.



In summary, I select soccer balls. They are one of the best presents that can be given to the children. I suggest that it is a good idea for parents to consider this as gifts for their kids on Christmas day next year.

[awhig]

Rating: 5.0 - 5.5
Yes piyawoot, this is a good essay.
Congratulations, finally you are on track :-)

[piyawoot]

That's it.
Thank you very much awhig, finally i know what is to do.
I will continue practicing more and more as I'll take the test in next 2 weeks.