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There we go again : a second essay to rate (thanks)


delphaeus

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Hello Awhig !

 

I must thank you for your input, I tried to shorter my sentences and to make the ideas more apparent than before. And also use more link words in the essay.

 

Tell me what you think,

 

Thank you :)

 

___________________

Which would you choose: a high-paying job with long hours that would

give you little time with family and friends or a lower-paying job with

shorter hours that would give you more time with family and friends?

Explain your choice, using specific reasons and details.

 

Maslow has been able to distinguish several needs from the natural ones such as eating, drinking to the social ones such as self-satisfaction or the fact of being important to others. I totally agree with him because in my point of view : collecting an enormous amount of money is useless if you can not share it with family and friends. That is why I'd be more preferable to a lower-paying job with shorter hours hence giving more time with my relatives.

 

Numerous disadvantages exist for a high-paying job with long hours. For instance, working for long hours is a known cause for stress which causes depression today. Moreoever, people suffering from stress are tensed, unrelaxed and will surely not have the ability to enjoy life. Indeed, since the length of time at work is taking the most hours a day has, time left for social life is almost non-existant. As a result, time to enjoy one's labor fruits is not possible. For example, my parents were working in a restaurant. Rarely have I seen them during weekdays and even if I had the chance to do so, they were tired and unable to deal with a family's normal routine. In addition to that, they lost most of their friends as time passes by.

 

In contrast, one can see the benefits of a lower-paying job with shorter hours with more time. Clearly, money is not everything in life especially when you can not enjoy it with the ones you love. Therefore, most people can manage a lot with little or less income. Not everyone need to spend holidays to the lastest trendy beach in the middle of the Pacific ocean. As a result, people just need to have a good time with friends and family in a simple humble place rather than go to an expensive one. Furthermore, as previously stated, time is needed to enjoy even the tiniest of all activities with relatives. This is why a lower-paying job with shorter hours will win my preference over the high-paid one.

 

Spending time with family and friends is the most important thing one can do. So that, money is not everything even more when it is accompagnied with no time to enjoy the good simple things in life. That is why I really think that less money but more time for our life is far more enjoyable than no time with lots of money since it will not permit to enjoy it anyway.

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Hello Awhig !

 

I must thank you for your input, I tried to shorter my sentences and to make the ideas more apparent than before. And also use more link words in the essay.

 

Tell me what you think,

 

Thank you :)

 

___________________

Which would you choose: a high-paying job with long hours that would

give you little time with family and friends or a lower-paying job with

shorter hours that would give you more time with family and friends?

Explain your choice, using specific reasons and details.

 

Maslow has been able to distinguish several needs from the natural ones such as eating, drinking to the social ones such as self-satisfaction or the fact of being important to others.[I had to read this para twice to interpret who Maslow is.Dear delphaeus, do not start like this.Now it looks like you are writing an news paper article or a story.Be direct and write in general.For instance put it like this:"In today's fast moving and demanding world, one has to keep balance between social needs such as : party, family ..and professional needs such as : money,job satisfaction". You can see the difference. This is more direct and fits in well. This has more effect and fits to the definition of what an essay is.

Had you to write an article , I would have given you best rating.:) Yeah, you have potential to be a good journalist.:D. ] I totally agree with him because in my point of view : collecting ["earning"...."collecting" means imposing tax.It implies Maslow is some Warload:). I am stressing on this word because one word can mean different. Maslow is a normal working guy and so he earns money not collects money. Use words judiciously.] an enormous amount of money is useless if you can not share it with family and friends. That is why I'd be more preferable [wrong.Just write "prefer"] to a lower-paying job with shorter hours hence giving more time with [to spend with] my relatives.

 

Numerous disadvantages exist for a high-paying job with long hours. For instance, working for long hours is a known cause for stress which causes depression today. Moreoever, people suffering from stress are tensed, unrelaxed and will surely not have the ability to enjoy life. Indeed, since the length of time at work is taking the most hours a day has, time left for social life is almost non-existant. As a result, time to enjoy one's labor fruits [not clear] is not possible. For example, my parents were working in a restaurant. Rarely have I seen them during weekdays and even if I had the chance to do so, they were tired and unable to deal with a family's normal routine. In addition to that, they lost most of their friends as time passes by.

[Very Good Point.I like this]

 

{Here I suggest you to explain advantages in sub paras.This will give impression of a big essay and reviewer won't bother to read all.He/She will predict your essay to be good.So your intro need to be strong.This is the case with concluding para too.}

In contrast, one can see the benefits of a lower-paying job with shorter hours with more time. Clearly, money is not everything in life especially when you can not enjoy it with the ones you love. Therefore, most people can manage a lot with little or less income. Not everyone need to spend holidays to the lastest trendy beach in the middle of the Pacific ocean. As a result, people just need to have a good time with friends and family in a simple humble place rather than go to an expensive one. Furthermore, as previously stated, time is needed to enjoy even the tiniest of all activities with relatives. This is why a lower-paying job with shorter hours will win my preference over the high-paid one.

[Good]

 

Spending time with family and friends is the most important thing [do not use it.It shows vaguness.] one can do. So that, money is not everything even more when it is accompagnied with no time to enjoy the good simple things in life. That is why I really think that less money but more time for our life is far more enjoyable than no time with lots of money since it will not permit to enjoy it anyway.

[OK]

 

Score: 4.0

Comments:

1. As stated above.

 

Best of Luck for Tommorow's Exam. Just relax.:)

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{Here I suggest you to explain advantages in sub paras.This will give impression of a big essay and reviewer won't bother to read all.He/She will predict your essay to be good.So your intro need to be strong.This is the case with concluding para too.}

 

You are saying that I should put others examples or arguments in both of my support paragraphs ? But that in order to do that, I must strenghten both intro and conclusion.

 

Did I get it right ? :)

 

Another question, I noted that essays that have a relatively high rating are those that have simple but real example. Is it just an impression or do the raters really prefer those kind of arguments ?

 

And the last question, following what I have written, how do you think I can strenghten my conclusion paragraph ?

 

(Another essay to come in a few, I just realized that TWE is my weak point ...)

 

Thanks :)

 

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{Here I suggest you to explain advantages in sub paras.This will give impression of a big essay and reviewer won't bother to read all.He/She will predict your essay to be good.So your intro need to be strong.This is the case with concluding para too.}

 

You are saying that I should put others examples or arguments in both of my support paragraphs ? But that in order to do that, I must strenghten both intro and conclusion.

 

Did I get it right ? :)

No. I mean the para supporting your viewpoint has many points.I was suggesting for dedicating a mini para to each point along with explaination and illustration. This is when you ar erunning out of words.

 

Another question, I noted that essays that have a relatively high rating are those that have simple but real example. Is it just an impression or do the raters really prefer those kind of arguments ?

No , raters are unbiased about arguments but they expect some points that are valid. For example: Topic : "Death is bad" -> Well 99% people will speak in favour of it.Thus reviewer knows what points are to expect. 1% will write other way round. So he has to write valid points in support of this. that is Death represents end of suffereings etc.

 

And the last question, following what I have written, how do you think I can strenghten my conclusion paragraph ?

Summarize points with solution(if possible)

 

 

(Another essay to come in a few, I just realized that TWE is my weak point ...)

Read previous posts.Some members have written good essays.There is one post by Xan86 who has written wonderful essays. I rated him 6.0.

A good essay not need to be mammoth in length.It needs to be direct,simple,comprehensive and grammatically correct.

At last minute, read topics of all essays and stop where you are forced to think.Give 2 minutes to each.

 

Format of good essay :

1. Intro

2. Body ( 2-3 paras)

3. Conclusion.

Thanks :)

Anytime.

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