Please score this essay

[shrivipha]

Topic no. 21

In general, people are living longer now. Discus the causes of this phenomenon. Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.

 

Now a days people are definitely living longer than a few decades back. There are various reasons for this phenomenon. But the most important reasons are improvised healthcare, vaccination, good transportation, healthy diet and improved quality of life.

According to me, the most important reason for this cause is developments of medicine. Even a hundred years ago, people were struggling with various diseases, say for example, plague. The epidemic of plague in 1890-1900 killed almost 100 million people worldwide, mostly in India. Even the destructive Second World War didn't do such damage. But the things have changed now. Due to the discovery of antibiotics, we are better armed against bacterial infections. Many diseases which were previously considered as fatal are now no more than common illness. Say, hepatitis is now not as deadly as it was used to be. Thanks to the medicine.

Various vaccines are also responsible for increase in life expectancy. It is said that, 'Prevention is better than cure'. And this is implemented by the use of vaccines. Hence small pox became extinct from the world. Furthermore, tuberculosis, cholera can now be easily prevented, treated. Increase in the percentage of doctors per unit number of people has also helped increase life expectancy.

Now a days there is an awareness among the people about their health. Also, importance of regular exercise, especially Yoga has greatly increased. People are becoming health conscious. Good, healthy food is readily available in the market at lesser prices. These factors are also essential in the above discussion. Now, there is a good quality communication and transportation is available. Various appliances such as computers, vacuum cleaners, microwave ovens are available. These have minimized wastage of human energy which is a great cause to the increase in normal human lifespan. In short, overall 'Quality of life' has increased.

To sum up, there was a gradual increase in the normal human lifespan in the 20th century. Hence people now expect to live longer. Let's hope this streak will continue in the 21st century and who knows, a day will come when man will become immortal! END

 

I have written this essay in 35 minutes. Can somebody tell me more points to add? Check for grammer mistakes too.

thanks,

Shrirang

[awhig]

Topic no. 21

In general, people are living longer now. Discus the causes of this phenomenon. Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.

 

Now a days people are definitely living longer than a few decades back. There are various reasons for this phenomenon. But the most important reasons are improvised [improved/or use improvised with healthcare centeres]healthcare, vaccination, good transportation [??], healthy diet and improved quality of life.

According to me, the most important reason for this cause is developments of medicine [repeated]. Even a hundred years ago, people were struggling with [suffereing from] various diseases, say [do not use this] for example, plague. The epidemic of plague in 1890-1900 killed almost 100 million people worldwide, mostly in India. Even the destructive Second World War didn't do such damage. But the things have changed now. Due to the discovery of antibiotics, we are better armed against bacterial infections [use diseases]. Many diseases which were previously considered as fatal are now no more than common illness. Say, hepatitis is now not as deadly as it was used to be. Thanks to the medicine [progress medical field has made].

Various vaccines are also responsible for increase in life expectancy[What? Which one is it,I am gonna take it!!]. It is said that, 'Prevention is better than cure'. And this is implemented [improper word] by the use of vaccines. Hence small pox became extinct [erradicated] from the world. Furthermore, tuberculosis, cholera can now be easily prevented, treated. Increase in the percentage of doctors per unit number of people has also helped increase life expectancy.

Now a days there is an awareness among the people about their health. Also, importance of regular exercise, especially Yoga has greatly increased. People are becoming health conscious. Good, healthy food is readily available in the market at lesser prices. These factors are also essential in the above discussion. Now, there is a good quality communication and transportation is available. Various appliances such as computers, vacuum cleaners, microwave ovens are available. These have minimized wastage of human energy which is a great cause to the increase in normal human lifespan. In short, overall 'Quality of life' has increased.

To sum up, there was a gradual increase in the normal human lifespan in the 20th century. Hence people now expect to live longer. Let's hope this streak will continue in the 21st century and who knows, a day will come when man will become immortal! END

 

I have written this essay in 35 minutes. Can somebody tell me more points to add? Check for grammer mistakes too.

thanks,

Shrirang

 

Score: 3.0 - 3.5

Comments:

1. Poor format. Your essay is continuous without brakes.

2. Wrong word choices at many places.

3. Points are good but need to be improved.

4. Do not exceed 30 minutes.