Lukas Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. Recently I was informed that a large shopping center may be built in my neighborhood. Personally, I oppose this plan because there are plenty of stores and shopping centers within reasonable distance already. A big shopping center will just bring more traffic and littering into my neighborhood. To begin, I do not support the plan to build that shopping center because there are already other shops and stores in our area that can easily be reached with public transport. There is, for example, the town's bakery where customers are greeted by name and a wide variety of bread is offered. Another great example is the bookstore where you can even sit down and read comfortably for a while. What is more, there is already a big shopping center just in the next town. This center is in an industrial area and can be reached quite easily by bus. Not only will the new shopping center not bring any advantages it will also increase traffic in this area. Right now there is no public transport system planned to reach the new shopping center. Hence, most people will do their shopping by car even if they don't have to carry anything heavy. Fortunately, the neighbourhood I live in is still rather quiet and clean. The new center would completely change that. People coming to a big shopping center will not care about our neighborhood and cause considerable littering. The wind will carry the lighter items from the shopping center right into the gardens of the neighborhood. Wouldn't you hate having to clean up other people's trash on YOUR property? I really oppose the plan to build this shopping center because there is no need for it. It would increase traffic and probably there would be considerable littering. There is no demand for this center because there are a lot of small stores in my town already, where you can count on a personal service and buy almost anything. I now live in a safe neighborhood where children can play on the streets; this would certainly change, should the shopping center be built. I absolutely despise having to pick up bits of paper, bags and other trash that has been carried into my backyard by the wind. I am convinced this kind of littering would increase substantially. I strongly disbelieve this shopping center will contribute to any improvement whatsoever. [if you rate/comment this essay, i would appreciate if you could tell me how likely you think I am to get a 5 for it. If you are sure it will get less than a 5, it would be nice to know what exactly was wrong/missing. Thank you for your time.] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ish Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 I liked your work:) I just have one point to make. Your english seems pretty good, but you tend to repeat your statements. The ones about littering and traffic are strong points, but they do not become more powerful on repeating them. you should work on that, i think. all the best to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vaya Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 Hi, ok, this one is not that great as the other one about Hitchhiker's Guide :) 1. Just by looking at your essay I can tell you that your conclusion is overdeveloped (too long) and body paras underdeveloped (too short). 2. I am not sure if emotional content is appropriate for TOEFL. I mean, you wrote with real feelings and it looked almost like a real petition to the major :) That's great that you get involved with the essay, but I think this sentence "Wouldn't you hate having to clean up other people's trash on YOUR property?" was over the top (esp. capital letters). 3. Organization of ideas is pretty good, maybe you sounded a bit repetative at times, but I clearly got your points. 4. There are some grammar mistakes as indicated below. 5. Your ideas are expressed fluently and your sentences flow almost naturally (you don't stuble over complicated grammar structures). But you could always use even simplier sentences. Don't make things complicated if they don't have to be. 6. Try to avoid repeating the same phrases over and over again (this time it was shopping center). As for score I say 5.0, maybe 5.5 if the grader has a good mood :); you have lots of potential to get 6.0 - so better use it :) You have grammar, you have ideas, you have vocabularly: just mix everything into a 6.0 essay! It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. Recently I was informed that a large shopping center may be built in my neighborhood. Personally, I oppose this plan because already there are plenty of stores and shopping centers within a reasonable distance. A big shopping center will just bring more traffic and littering into my neighborhood. To begin with, I do not support the plan to build this shopping center because already there are other shops and stores in our area that can be easily reached with means of public transportion. There is, for example, the town's bakery where customers are greeted by name and a wide variety of bread is offered. Another great example is a bookstore where you can sit down and read comfortably for a while. What is more, already there is a big shopping center just in the next town. This center is in an industrial area and can be reached quite easily by bus. Not only will the new shopping center not bring any advantages (rephrase - complicated structure that disrupts the flow of your sentences) it will also increase traffic in this area. Right now there is no public transportion system planned to accomodate visitors of the new shopping center. Hence, most people will drive a car to the shop even if they don't have to carry anything heavy. Fortunately, the neighbourhood I live in is still rather quiet and clean. The new center would completely change that. People coming to the shopping center will not care about our neighborhood and will cause considerable littering. The wind will carry lighter items right into the gardens of the neighborhood. I really oppose the plan to build the shopping center because there is no need for it. It would increase traffic and probably there would be considerable littering. There is no demand for this center because already there are a lot of small stores in my town, where one can count on personalized service and buy almost anything. I now live in a safe neighborhood where children can play on the streets; this would certainly change**, should the shopping center be built. I absolutely despise having to pick up bits of paper, bags and other trash that has been carried into my backyard by the wind. I am convinced this kind of littering would increase substantially. I strongly disbelieve this shopping center will contribute to any improvements whatsoever. ** indicates that I don't know... It's a condition and you are allowed to use should (that's more formal and advanced way of saying), but I am not sure if you should use "would change" or "will change" or "is going to change" in the other part of condition. Good luck! Renata Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
awhig Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 As for score I say 5.0, maybe 5.5 if the grader has a good mood :-) . Agree to your rating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lukas Posted April 10, 2005 Author Share Posted April 10, 2005 Ish, Vaya and awhig, thank you all for your feedback and suggestions. I really appreciate your input! Thank you also for the compliments. Let me describe how I go about writing an essay, maybe you can point out some mistakes in my strategy. Especially the issue of repeating comes from the way I structure my essay. First of all I identify the question type: 1. Point of view/ Agree or disagree / Support or oppose I've read that on that kind of topic you HAVE (sorry about the capitals) to be personal. You have to pick one side and stick with it. 2. Explain with reasons and examples With these I try to stay more general and not mention my opinion but rather use general phrases (Apparently, [some fact]. Most people would agree that [some fact] ....). Explain how and why. 3. Compare Support both sides first, then contrast/compare them and then pick your preference. 4. Describe with details Those tend to be the most difficult essays, because you usually have to come up with a topic yourself (i.e. What custom would you like people from other countries to adopt). Here I think you can be personal. Explain why you pick a certain topic. Then I start writing right away using the following structure: Introduction: Restate the question. Pick your side and give 3 reasons why. Body: reason #1 because [support #1]. [One or several examples for support #1] reason #2 because [support #2]. [One or several examples for support #2] reason #3 because [support #3]. [One or several examples for support #3] Conclusion: Summarize all reasons (similar sentence as the last sentence of the introduction. Conclusion #1 because of reason #1 Conclusion #2 because of reason #2 Conclusion #3 because of reason #3 Final statement. Usually I don't write all this in sync. First I write the introduction, then the body paragraph without giving examples. Then the conclusion. That way I have the most important parts of the essay together when I have to start looking for ideas for good examples. I think it will be worse if your conclusion is unfinished than if you don't give examples for a reason. A drawback (or is it?) of this strategy is that the conclusion tends to become quite long. Should I change something about the basic structure? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
awhig Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 Yes, either approach is right according to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lukas Posted April 10, 2005 Author Share Posted April 10, 2005 I just did an analysis of the topic list (since I'm intending to build in some "type of topic" choice into the essay simulator. I grouped the topics into 4 groups: There are 184 topics. 115 (63%) Agree or Disagree / Support Oppose / Choose a point of view 38 (21%) Describe (usually ones where you have to be creative and come up with your own topic) 16 (9%) Explain (usually ones where you have to explain how something should be done) 15 (8%) Comparison (I wasn't sure for some of them whether they should go into the "Describe" or into the "Explain" group) The conclusion of this is that you have a fairly high chance to get one of the harder topics (Explain/Describe ~30%). I think I'll try focusing on some of these until my exam. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vaya Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 A drawback (or is it?) of this strategy is that the conclusion tends to become quite long. Yap, it's a drawback. Usually a conclusion is 2 sentences. Maybe 3 if short. Basically conclusion just have to exist. Alll your work should be done in the body. Your technique is good, but you really need to shift importance from a conclusion to body paras. Those are far more important. Good luck! Renata Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lukas Posted April 13, 2005 Author Share Posted April 13, 2005 Hi Vaya, I'm not quite sure what to believe concerning the length of the conclusion. This is what my tutor wrote concerning conclusions: "RESTATE YOUR REASONS AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS CLOSING PARAGRAPH AND THEN YOU CAN EXPAND A LITTLE ON THEM. THE CONCLUSION IS TO WRAP UP THE ESSAY TO SHOW THE READER WHAT HE/SHE HAS JUST READ" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shrivipha Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 Hi Lukas, When is your exam? Mine is on 21st April. A week from now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lukas Posted April 14, 2005 Author Share Posted April 14, 2005 hi shrivipa, my exam is on Monday 18-April. I'll have the weekend to practise still : ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vaya Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 "RESTATE YOUR REASONS AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS CLOSING PARAGRAPH AND THEN YOU CAN EXPAND A LITTLE ON THEM. THE CONCLUSION IS TO WRAP UP THE ESSAY TO SHOW THE READER WHAT HE/SHE HAS JUST READ" I totally agree on what she said, but still your conclusion must be short. All the work, examples, etc. must be reserved to the body. So, a conclusion is ~3 sentences and the content of those sentences are very nicely described by your tutor. Renata Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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