need comments and corrections

[quachthutrang]

here is my long essay which is more than 1000 words. Please comment and correct it for me. Thanks a lot!

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What a beautiful world should be for children



“ Have your shoes shone, sister”- a young voice asking me with eagerness. He was a little lad of six or seven, a shoeshine boy who owned a brown honey-skin and bright eyes kindling with jets, dressing half- tattered clothes, looking up at me at a loss just as forward to a sweet bless. He turned away when I shook my head, towards his clique of some streetkids of the same age. I saw them, the children of the dust, lingering about the other side of the street, seeking their fortune to earn a poor living, and it happened to my mind an ever ceaseless question which had got not an answer “ What a beautiful world should be?”. That was the very moment I concidently and fortunately found the needed answer: a beautiful world must begin with no alternative elements but children just because “chidren” is “child of renascene”.



Children, this is neither an old nor new subject matter but not have our actions been enough to bring them a world of true peace which every child congenitally owns a certain right to have. Nowadays in an epoch of information and technology developing variously and rapidly, when we, people living in modern society, are indulging ourselves in the luxury of love and redundant comfortabilities, it’s not seldom to behold children of different ages wandering homeless or working in unqualified conditions, what’s more, no schooling and no childhood. Still occuring are children traffickings, sex abuse of children and children ill-treating. Until now is an image of an African girl of 13 with full-of-wonder eyes in white dress when she was about to get married to a husband of double age still haunting on my mind with a sense of inability. And my heart was sorely strangled when echoed to my ear a shrilling lamentation of a boy begging his father’s forgiveness when he punished him with his rod. The war with the US has left its inhumane aftermaths on our Vietnames young generations of which many children were born and grew up abnormally, undergoing not a human life. To-day, many people declare that children should be put ahead with first priorities but not many of them succeed in making the saying possible or in other words, our aids seem to be limited while the number of those children tend to rise up and up along with the development of society. If only each of us were all well-aware of the prior responsibility for children, if only parents all put their children above other necessities and many other “if-onlies” of equal importance, the world to-day would be of more equanimity.



Then many may ask: What are children really in want of? Money? Absolutely we can’t deny the very vital role of money in children raising. Take an example of children who live in a third-world country like Nigeria, poorly lacking food and minimum living conditions and compare to those who live in such an exceedingly well-equipped environment as America. Being unable to bring children a well-off preparation to set forth into life, that is such a fault of their parents. However, it would be a more intolerable defect if we leave our kids money with no accountability. It’s not uncommon for children living in well-to-do families but are the group of being far more vulnerable to be spoilt than the others. Thus, money is not no-thing but part of substantial and essential requirements for children development.



But that’s not a satisfactory answer to what children ardently desire to have. Have you ever been made embarrassed when your children vehemently and severely refuse all the toys you present them? Simply just as they are in need of not the things you suppose they are but merely their parents above all. Every child is born inbredly given a certain right to have their parents, except for those whose parents are dead before their appearance. But there tends to be a lot of people today, one kind of whom are the extremely poor and another kind are those for some sensitive individual reasons, purposeful or purposeless, willing to abandon their “birdie” children for other more worthy aims and hold little or not accountability for their living. That explains mainly for homeless kids and what is the most unbeneficial, the origin of social sins.



Family is the root of society, as we all aware of, and once that root reveals its weakness and decays from the inside, I wonder if the big tree of society could stand on steady and bloom over or whether it is languishing day by day, minute by minute. Many reports have shown that wrongdoings of children mostly originate in their family, in their parents treating them or even in no parents to be educated. I myself sorely beheld a tragedy of a twin both of whom are talented to much of my respect. But they just first met each other after 20 years or so being seperated when one of them was lost from all touch with the other at the age of a few months. This one now remorsefully grieves in prison for his sin to his brother, who loved him the most, at an uncontrollable moment of craving for money. However, that’s not the matter of money he is in want like many accusations but , frankly to say, the lack of family’s warmth and protection since the very young age unfortunately occured to him. And who knows if there are any other unexpected catastrophes caused by the same unwanted reasons in the world. Home-sweet-home, again we realize, a good family, is the most vital need that children of all ages, all generations and all historical eras always wish; and we, who will sooner or later be parents in future time, decide if the world should be a peaceful place or not. Never is it a difficult mission I dare think.



It would never be sastisfying to name out what else children need for all this world belongs to children. A peaceful world, no one can foretell exactly when it is in reality but surely no one bares seeing incessant tears and cries of such children as ones suffering from war in Iraq or those who have been made homeless after the enormous tsunami calamity last December. As for me, I have made my way clear to move straight onto the swear I set, that to give every child a safe home to lean on, to sooth away their pains and bring them cheers instead is what I am aiming at. At this moment, I am thinking of my little adopted son of six and exerting my best to make him the most beloved child with bliss in all.

[Anurodh]

don't you know how your essay is evaluates by ets
2 people will read it for 2 minuets each
do you think this much long essay seem attractive to them?

[quachthutrang]

Ah, this essay is not for Toefl, just my assignment but I need your comments, so I post it here. But it seems not suitable anylonger. Just leave it here.