Could anyone please score my essay and give me comment ?

[Seth]

Topic 88

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Telephone and email have made communication between people less personal. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

As we all know that one important thing in everyone’s life excepting from the four basic needs is communication. People can not live in this world lonely. Nowadays, direct conversation which is face to face conversation is not enough to run business or making relation or whatever. That is why there are many types of equipment invented for supporting to communicate to each others. Telephone and email are two of the usual equipments that are not only let the people can speak whenever they want without facing but also let people can communicate to the one who is in another side of the world. With many reasons which I would raise some of them below this, I totally disagree that telephone and email have made communication between people less personal.

First, using phone can support people to have conversations whenever they miss or even have something to talk with others. Many of my friends have told me if you want to keep in touch or even make closer relationship with someone, you have to communicate with them as much as you can. In addition, I believe that the more you communicate with others, the closer and deeper relationship you are. As a result, the equipments such as phone or email can help you to have closer relationship with friends or anyone.

Not only that, what would you do if the one you demand to speak with is in abroad. Without the inventions, there is only one way that you can speak to that one which is flying to meet at her place. However, how often can you do like this? Is the airplane ticket cheap enough to let you fly whenever you want? It is absolutely not. In contrast, if you do not try to go on your communication continuously, your relationship may be not only personal but it might collapse. As I have told above, not only does telephone or even email could let you make communication but it will also give you opportunities to make more frequent in communicating which I believe that it will not obstruct your personal at all. Conversely, it will let you have more personal to your partners.

Furthermore, communicating by writing via email or speaking by phone can save your money. Especially, writing via email, you have just connected to the internet and then signed in to your email account. After that you can communicate to anyone no matter where they live in only cheap price or even free of charge.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that telephone or email would not make communication between people less personal. Moreover, it would help the communicators have more close relationship between their groups by using these kinds of equipments.

[Jean & Walter]

No.8 6/11//2005


Topic 88

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Telephone and email have made communication between people less personal. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.


As we all know that one important thing in everyone’s life excepting from the four basic needs is communication. People can not live in this world lonely. Nowadays, direct conversation which is face to face conversation is not enough to run business or making relation or whatever. That is why there are many types of equipment invented for supporting to communicate to each others. Telephone and email are two of the usual equipments that are not only let the people can speak whenever they want without facing but also let people can communicate to the one who is in another side of the world. With many reasons which I would raise some of them below this, I totally disagree that telephone and email have made communication between people less personal.

What I think is this paragraph is too long. You just need to make it more concise to state which one is your agreement.

First, using phone can support people to have conversations whenever they miss or even have something to talk with others. Many of my friends have told me if you want to keep in touch or even make closer relationship with someone, you have to communicate with them as much as you can. In addition, I believe that the more you communicate with others, the closer and deeper relationship you are. As a result, the equipments such as phone or email can help you (to, omit to) have closer relationship with friends or anyone.(family)

Not only that, what would you do if the one you demand to speak with is in abroad. Without the inventions, there is only one way that you can speak to that one which is flying to meet at her place.(I think this sentance can be made shorter, like this "there is only way to touch with her by flying" ) However, how often can you do like this? Is the airplane ticket cheap enough to let you fly whenever you want? It is absolutely not. In contrast, if you do not try to go on your communication continuously, your relationship may be not only personal but it might collapse.(I think this meaning here is...not very important, I mean a little excursion.) As I have told above, not only does telephone or even email could let you make communication but it also will give you opportunities to make more frequently in communication which(this is wrong to put "which" here, I suggest you can split two sentences here). I believe that it(the tool of communication is not the things which obstruct your private space at all....something like that.) will not obstruct your personal at all. Conversely, (it will give you and your partners many direct ways to communicate.)let you have more personal to your partners.

Furthermore,(Finally is better, if you know you will write the last one.) communicating by writing via email or speaking by phone can save your money (and time, maybe).Especially,(use "for example" here maybe more clearly.) writing via email, you have just connected to the internet and then signed in to your email account. After that you can communicate to anyone no matter where they live in only cheap price or even free of charge.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that telephone or email would not make communication between people less personal. Moreover, it would help the communicators have more close relationship between their groups by using these kinds of equipments.

I think the communication and conversation are the main ideas of your writing, so I think both ideas are not enough to support your statement.
Maybe you can expand it on...for example, you can manage the telephone and email well so that you don't need to fear of losing personal space, something like that.
My comments are not the best one to revise your essay, so...hope that will help you.

[Seth]

Thanks for your comments. I think that every comment that everyone waste their time for suggesting me is valuable.

Thanks again Jean.

by the way, I'm waiting for other comments.

[Seth]

Why do the text of my first post is very small?

How can I solve it?

[shounak1982]

Hello, I found following points would make it perfect:
1)I think the point u made about price does not justify with thy view afterall making an I.S.D. call to talk with thy friend is also not cheap.
Also
2) u'll never have feel of proper talk unless n untill u talk face 2 face

[hangptt]

Since the topic wants you to argue whether email & telephone have made communication less personal, I think your said premises are not really irrelevant. Let's try another way??!

Best wishes!